I folded myself into my chair and leaned forward on my elbows.
“Don’t you need to scan my wife?” Owen asked.
Nope.“Before that, I need to ask you some personal questions.” The pair blinked at me, and I had no idea where this conversation was about to go. “I need you to describe how you sleep together.”
Owen blinked. “Well, Violet runs a little cold.” Hmm. Right. I made a continue motion with my left hand. “So I normally spoon her to keep her warm.”
This was so much worse than I thought. “And the actual act of sleeping together? How long does that last?”
“I’m a solid eight hours kind of guy.”
No, Owen, you really aren’t.“And the sex?”
Violet sucked in a breath like I’d slapped her. Jesus Christ. They couldn’t be virgins, right? After two years? Surely instincts took over, even if she was lacking the motherly love and guidance most of us received.
“I ejaculate inside of her. That’s how babies are made.” Owen said this like he was super proud of his male prowess.
Why me?
“You ejaculate like you did in the pot?”
“That’s right.”
“Miss Roberts,” Violet said, “what’s the problem?”
The problem is that your husband has never come a day in his life, and the fact you haven’t been constantly at the doctor’s with infections is frankly a miracle.I sighed. “During the act of copulation, the man’s penis should be erect.”
They both recoiled at the thought of Owen’s trouser snake. I could sympathize.
“Then, after engaging in foreplay to ensure the woman is lubricated, he inserts his penis inside of her and they engage in sexual intercourse, resulting in ejaculation where sperm releases inside of her, and if the timing is right, that sperm will reach her egg and she conceives.” What in the ever-loving fuck were they teaching kids these days? “Where did you go to school?” I wondered, ready to make a note to call the principal.
“Mama Green homeschooled us,” Violet offered.
Figures.
“Tell me which part of what I described is difficult to understand.”
“Well, I don’t get hard,” Owen muttered.
“We have medications to help with that. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“How do I become lubricated?” Violet asked.
“Owen needs to touch you, kiss you, and learn what you like. Sex should be a pleasurable act.”
“Can you demonstrate?” Violet asked.
Excuse me? It was my turn for my mouth to drop open. “No. I can give you some websites to help inform you. Stay away from porn.”
“It’s the devil’s work,” Owen agreed.
I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed.One battle at a time, Cora. You still haven’t given them the bad news.
“Wait. Owen might not get hard, and clearly we have some work to do, but he manages to put a little inside of me before he comes. You saw the evidence.”
My hand dropped to my lap, and I stared at Owen. “The sample you gave me, the ‘release’ you put inside your wife? It’s urine.”
Sixty seconds later, I had an empty office.
