“If I am to understand you correctly,” Thomas began, his voice careful, the words deliberate, “you’ve been using laudanum since your illness, and opium before that, and now you wish to stop?”
It was not the right term.Wishingimplied more volition than Micha truly possessed. But still he nodded.
“And stopping is difficult?”
Another nod.
“I hate the thought of you suffering more than you already have.” Thomas’s gaze was stricken. “Must this truly be done?”
“It must be done.” It was not until he’d said the words aloud that Micha discovered something perilously close to conviction. “It comes between us. It stops me feeling and I want to feel. And, with you, I want to feel everything.”
There was a long silence.
“Then what do we do?” asked Thomas.
“There’s no ‘we’ for this. It’s simply something for me to endure.” For Thomas’s sake, he mustered what boldness was left to him. Micha had experienced a little for himself, and witnessed in others, the ravages of opium withdrawal, and he was not so lost to dreams of love that he did not fear them. He doubted his own strength, but he did not doubt Thomas. If this was to be the price, he would somehow find a way to pay it. If it was punishment, for old sins or newer ones, or for all those he wished to commit, he would bear it. He would fight this dragon of his own making, cut it from his flesh, and vanquish it. He would prove himself worthy. Gods be damned. He would have Thomas. They would have each other.
Micha was shaking slightly with the knowledge of what lay ahead, and Thomas held him tightly, body to body, heart to heart. “There must be something I can do to help you.”
“No,” Micha snapped. “No.” And, gentling his tone with difficulty, “I don’t want you to see. It’s miserable, Thomas. And repulsive. I still don’t know if I’ll even be able to do it.”
“I believe you can, if that’s what you want.”
Micha shrugged. “Maybe not for myself, but for us, I can try.”
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay away from you.”
“You have to promise me. Please.”
But Thomas shook his head. “I can’t give you that promise, but I’ll try to honour your preference.”
“You’re a stubborn fucker.”
Thomas smiled. “Yes.”
Micha groaned, love, despair, and surrender tangled up inside him, almost indistinguishable from each other. “It’ll take a while. Maybe a month or two.”
“A month?” repeated Thomas, so dismayed it was almost comical.
And suddenly a month felt like an unbearably long time to Micha too. He pressed himself against, or perhaps into, Thomas’s grasp. “Just kiss me. Like you did in the wood.”
Thomas’s lips twitched into a smile. “You mean, without any idea what I was doing?”
“Like you knew me.”
Thomas leaned over him and took Micha’s mouth in a deep, sure kiss. And Micha arched up into it, breathlessly moaning, his abruptly uncertain hands clutching at nothing. “Will you ... I want ...” It was ridiculous, but heat rushed suddenly to his face, and he was blushing like a virgin. “I want to be with you. I want to feel you.”
Thomas’s sharp hips were pressed into Micha’s, but it was a welcome ache. “Whatever you want is yours.”
“Oh.” Micha twisted a little, tormented by a longing so rare and unexpected it felt almost sweet. “I wish I could fuck you, but I don’t think I can.”
“We could try?” Thomas ducked his head shyly. “Or I could find some other way to please you.” His free hand traced a somewhat hesitant path between their bodies.
Micha’s breath quickened, sheer hope and instinct, and then he reached his arms above his head, offering ... yielding himself to Thomas. “Fuck me. I’ll show you how.”
Thomas was silent a moment. “Is this something we share or something you give?”
“Both, and something I take.” Micha curled a leg around Thomas, drawing him closer, feeling the hot, hard pressure of the man’s cock against his own, even through two layers of clothing. Thomas’s body jerked, a deep tremor running through him, like he was a bow Micha had drawn tight with a single, simple action. Micha made a mindless, needy noise, his fingers curling over his exposed palms. “Tonight,” he panted. “Whatever happens, give me tonight.”
