“I’m not crying. I’m just ... I’m not crying.”
Micha stood, and Esther enfolded him in an embrace that was far warmer than he would have expected.
“I’m sorry I imposed on you,” he muttered. “And made you listen to that.”
“Don’t talk nonsense, Michael.”
“Sorry.”
“And stop apologising.”
“Sorry.”
When they stepped away from each other, Micha was almost composed.
“Come.” Esther shook out her skirts briskly. “We must be getting back. It gets dark quickly these days.”
“I can find my own way. You don’t have—”
“For heaven’s sake. I will not have an apoplexy. You have given me something of a shock, I cannot deny it. I had no idea such things were even possible. But I have always been a strong-minded woman, and I fully intend to come to terms with this.” She put two fingers into her mouth and gave a short, sharp whistle, and Ruff came bounding out from between the trees. “And I will expect to see you at book group next week.”
He gave her a sharp look. “You will, will you?”
“Yes. You and Thomas both.”
“This sounds like blackmail.”
If he had been attempting to discourage her, the attempt was not sincere, and doomed to failure regardless. “Precisely,” she said. “Really, my dear, you have no idea how dangerous it is to share your secrets with me. I will be quite merciless. Before you know it, you’ll be holding my yarn and carrying my shopping.”
“Don’t count on it.”
She smirked at him.
“But I might consider it if you ask me nicely.”
She slipped her arm into the crook of his. “Whatever others may think, or you may believe, you’re a fine young man, Michael. Now, let me fill you in on what you missed inThe Woman in White...”
They walked at Esther’s pace back towards Nettlefield as the temperature dropped and the sky darkened. The conversation was mostly dominated by Wilkie Collins, which Micha appreciated because it meant he did not have to concentrate. He felt as though his footsteps barely landed on the ground. As if he had stepped off a cliff and not fallen.
“Michael,” said Esther, as the first thatched rooftops appeared in the distance, “may I ask a question?”
Micha eyed her warily. “You can ask.”
“Does Thomas reciprocate your feelings?”
Yes. Yes. He loves me. And it is the only worthwhile thing in my worthless, wasted life.“No.”
Esther nodded. “Forgive me. I should not have pried. I was wondering if it was a common thing.”
“Not uncommon. But he does not know, and he is not like me.”
“It seems to me a difficult thing to love as you love and even more so to love unrequitedly.”
“My love may not always be unrequited.” He gave a half-smile, half-lost in the shadows of dusk. “And I used to dream it would not always be difficult.”
He walked Esther to her door and then hurried up the hill to the rectory. Thomas was not there. Micha wandered restlessly through the empty rooms. A faint itching buzzed beneath his skin. The world was starting to grate against his eyes. A little laudanum would help. He could reduce the dosage tomorrow.
No. Now. He would reduce the dosage now.
