“Cash already punched someone in the mouth over a girl here,” Tallulah is saying. “Can we not have a repeat tonight, pretty please?”
Duke nods, raising his beer over his head. “You got it, Tallulah.” Then, lowering his voice, he says to me, “Dude, you’re gonna give yourself away if you keep staring at her like that.”
“I’m not ready.” I drain my beer. “For her, I mean. With her, it would be real, and I can’t—I’m just not ready for that.”
I can tell Duke is trying very hard not to roll his eyes. “You would be if you got your head out of your ass.”
“Great advice. Thanks.”
“Either get your girl, or get gone. You know I’m right, Ryder. Otherwise, you’re gonna cause a whole world of trouble for dumbass reasons.”
I cut him the nastiest glare I can manage. “You think protecting a friend who’s like another brother to me is a dumbass reason?”
“Colt doesn’t need you to protect him. He needs you to be honest. With him and with yourself. And you want Billie. So do the right thing, man: Tell Colt, then stake your claim before somebody else does.” He nods in Zayne’s direction.
I motion for another beer. “What if I can’t, though? Be good to her?”
“You won’t know until you try.”
Yeah, but what if I fuck it up and I end up losing herandColtandthe respect of my family?
What if I can’t open up the way she needs me to? No one can fall in love with half a person. And that’s what I’ve been for over a decade now, a human being who shut down his pain and, without knowing it, his joy too.
Joy I only felt with Billie, singing stupid songs like the stupid idiots we are.
Fuck, she was cute doing that awkward little dance of hers. And the way she laughedwithme, felt shitwithme—that was everything.
My dick is sore from tugging one out too many times this week thinking about her. The sounds she’d make, the way she’d taste, how hot her mouth would feel as my length slid home down the back of her throat.
Bet she’d givegoodhead.
Bet I give better.
Even so, I’d only end up letting her down. That, more than anything, is why I gotta stay away.
“You and Wheeler end up hanging those new curtains today?” I tip back the fresh Shiner Tallulah hands me. Why the hell can’t I seem to catch a buzz tonight?
When Wheeler moved in with Duke, I helped hang some curtains in their guest room. The two of them had some sweet trim added to the curtains now that the guest room has become their future nursery.
Duke looks at me for a long, hard beat. “We did. They look fucking great. Why are you changing the subject?”
“You know why. Nursery is turning out awful cute. Still can’t believe y’all are having twins.”
“I can’t either. We’re all going through it, you know. The grief. It doesn’t end. But if you let yourself feel it, share it, it doesget…less intense. Less heavy.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “You’re gonna be all right, Ryder. But that’s only if you do shit like go after the girl you really want.”
“I don’t… Billie’s always been off limits. You know that about—” My voice catches. It hits me that I’m the one being a punk now, antagonizing my brother like this. He’s just trying to give me good advice, and here I am, egging him on. Arguing just for the sake of pissing him off becauseI’mpissed off.
Really fucking pissed off that I can’t seem to figure out a workaround for this deep-seated fear that I’m never gonna be enough for someone.
Being safe is better than risking destruction.
I’m so fucked up I don’t even know where to begin to fix it. Me. Whatever.
“I’m fine,” I say at last. “Go dance withyourgirl. I give her credit for coming out. I know she’s tired.”
Duke sighs, giving me one last hard look. “This is gonna sound harsh, but it’s my job as your older brother?—”
“By four minutes!”
