Surprise rose, and then so did guilt.
“You didn’t think we were looking for you? I can’t blame you for that. Not after what happened before…before you disappeared, and with how long Aric had you. But we were. Every day, we were. Every night. I knew in my bones that he had you, but we couldn’t find him or Neal.” Caden’s voice hardened. “We captured and questioned every Winter fae we came across. Either they knew nothing, or they refused to talk. We never gave up. I never gave up hope that we’d find you, but…”
“But you didn’t expect to find me alive,” I finished for him.
Caden tilted his head away from me, his lips pressed into a firm line. “The more time that passed, the more I knew the chances were unlikely or that if you were still alive…” He tipped his head back, his throat working on a swallow. “I feel I need to be honest. After a certain point, I was no longer sure what would be worse. That you were alive and with him, or that you were gone.”
My grip tightened on the glass.
“You being…you being gone would be far worse. It would be like losing the sun.”
Chapter 40
I opened my mouth, but I had no words. That was incredibly—well, it was just an incredible thing to say.
“I haven’t thought of anything else but finding you. I don’t think any of us has,” Caden continued, facing me once more. “But I know that no matter what we felt or feared, it’s nothing compared to what you’ve gone through.”
Yet again, I had no idea how to respond to any of that or what to think. So I pretty much ignored it. “And the Order? Miles? Did they…look for me?”
“They did in the beginning.”
I knew what was left unsaid. “But they stopped? Assumed I was dead and cut their losses.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I smiled, and it felt weird and wrong. Probably because I hadn’t done so in…well, a long time. “It’s the way it is, and I was not an essential member of the Order.”
Caden’s gaze flew to mine. “That was their mistake. And ours.”
I looked away as conversations from the past resurfaced. Caden. Ivy. Ren. Both of whom I now remembered. All of them telling me that I needed to stay out of it.
“Aric sent a message. He wanted a meeting with me, said he had something that I was looking for. I knew immediately that it was you. He was right.” Caden exhaled heavily, and something stirred on the fringes of my memory. “I had no idea if you weregoing to be alive or not, but I went. He never showed. Two of his Knights did. Both claimed that they assumed Aric would meet them there.”
Dumb and Dumber, I thought. The ones who’d carried the copper tub.
“One of them didn’t crack. The other did, told us where you were being held. Unfortunately, it took a while to get that information from them.”
I had a feeling I should know this. “How long did it take?”
“Four days,” Caden said.
Flashes of those days danced in front of me. The hunger. The exhaustion. The hallucinations. “Are they dead? The two Knights?”
“Yes.”
“Good,” I murmured.
“How did you kill him?” Caden asked after a moment.
“He left a…dagger behind. I can’t remember why he forgot it.” I frowned. “I think he was surprised by something and left it, but I remembered when I…. When I woke up.” I glanced over at him. “I remembered it, and I knew to wait until it was only him. Those two Knights carried the tub into the chamber so I could bathe. There was also a female fae.”
Caden’s head tilted slightly. “He made you bathe in that chamber?”
Returning to staring at the glass, I nodded. “Yeah. Anyway, I used the dagger the first time he was alone. I cut off his head with it.” I thought of the dress. He’d called it a gift. “I think he was coming down to take me…” Holy crap, something occurred to me, and my chin jerked up. “I think he was coming down to take me to you. That’s why he put me in that dress.”
Caden’s jaw tightened.
“He was going to release me and take me out of the chamber. I could’ve killed him then, and I would’ve had a chance toescape.” My eyes widened. “Then I…I wouldn’t have been in there.”
