She closes her eyes, and I see a single tear roll down her cheek.“I feel… empty and full at the same time, destroyed, yet replenished,” she whispers, her words barely audible.“I feel like you shredded me into pieces and then remade those pieces into something else, something that’s no longer me… something that belongs to you…”
“Yes.”I absorb her words hungrily.“And what else?”
She opens her eyes, meeting my gaze, and I see a strange sort of hopelessness etched into her face.“And I love you,” she says quietly.“I love you even though I see you for what you are—even though I know what you’re doing to me.I love you because I’m no longer capable ofnotloving you… because you’re now part of me, for better or for worse.”
I hold her gaze, the dark empty corners of my soul sucking in her words like a desert plant takes in water.Her love may not be freely given, but it’s mine.It will always be mine.“And you are part ofme, Nora,” I admit, my voice low and unusually hoarse.This is the closest I can come to telling her how much she means to me, how deep my longing for her runs.“I hope you know that, my pet.”
And before she can respond, I kiss her again, then slide my arms under her body, pick her up, and carry her to the bathroom to wash up.
19
Nora
The weekbefore Julian’s departure is bittersweet.I still have not entirely forgiven him for the forced tracker implants—or for the bracelet embedded with yet another tracker he made me start wearing a couple of days later.Nevertheless, ever since Julian’s words that evening, I’ve been feeling infinitely better.
I know what he said is not exactly a declaration of undying love, but from a man like Julian, it might as well be.Ana is right: Julian lost everyone who has ever mattered to him.Everyone except me, that is.The fact that he clings to me with such brutal possessiveness may be overwhelming at times, but it’s also an indication of his feelings.
His love for me is wrong and perverse in many ways, but it’s no less real because of that.
Of course, knowing this makes my fear for Julian’s safety on the upcoming trip even more intense.As his departure time approaches, my joy over his confession fades, and anxiety takes its place.
I don’t want Julian to leave.Every time I think of him going on this mission, I’m gripped by a suffocating sense of dread.I know there is an irrational component to my fear, but that doesn’t lessen it in any way.Aside from the very real danger Julian will face, I’m simply afraid to be alone.We’ve spent so little time apart in the past couple of months that the thought of being without him for even a few days makes me feel deeply stressed and uneasy.
It doesn’t help that I have exams and papers galore, or that my parents have been steadily pressuring me to come for a visit—something that Julian won’t allow until the Al-Quadar threat is fully contained.
“You can’t leave the estate, but they can come visit us here if you’d like,” he tells me during shooting practice one afternoon.“I would advise against it, though.Right now your parents are more or less off the radar, but the more contact I appear to have with your family, the more danger they’ll be in.It’s up to you, though.Just say the word, and I’ll send a plane for them.”
“No, that’s okay,” I say hastily.“I don’t want to draw any unnecessary attention to them.”And raising my gun, I start shooting at the beer cans on the far edge of the field, letting the now-familiar jolt of the weapon take away some of my frustration.
I realized that my parents are in danger a couple of days after we came to the estate.To my relief, Julian told me that he’d already put a discreet security detail on them—highly trained bodyguards whose job is to protect my family while letting them go about their lives.The alternative, he explained, is to bring them to the estate with us—a solution that my parents rejected as soon as I brought it up.
“What?We’re not moving to Colombia to live with an illegal arms dealer!”my dad exclaimed when I told him about the potential danger.“Who does that bastard think he is?I just got a new job—not to mention, we can’t leave all of our friends and relatives!”
And that was as far as that got.I can’t say I blame my parents for not wanting to move halfway across the world to be with me in my abductor’s compound.They’re still young, both in their early forties, and they’ve always led active, busy lives.My dad plays lacrosse nearly every weekend, and my mom has a group of girlfriends who get together for wine and gossip on a regular basis.My parents are also still very much in love with each other, with my dad constantly surprising my mom with little gifts of flowers, chocolate, or a dinner out.Growing up, I had no doubt that they both loved me, but I also knew that I wasn’t the absolute epicenter of their lives.
No, if what Julian says is true—and I’m inclined to trust him on this—it’s best if my parents don’t appear to have too close of a connection to the Esguerra organization.
Their ability to lead a normal life depends on it.
On the nightbefore Julian is scheduled to leave, I ask Ana to prepare a special dinner for us.I recently discovered that Julian has a weakness for tiramisu, so that is our dessert for tonight.For the main course, Ana makes lasagna the same way that Julian’s mother used to make it.The housekeeper told me it was his favorite dish when he was a boy.
I don’t know why I’m doing this.It’s not like a good meal will suddenly convince Julian to forego the cruel pleasure of getting his hands on Majid.I know my husband well enough to understand that nothing can dissuade him from that.Julian is used to danger.I think he even craves it to some extent.I’m not foolish enough to think that I can domesticate him with one dinner.
Still, I want this evening to be special.I need it to be special.I don’t want to think about terrorists and torture, abduction and mind fuckery.For just one night, I want to pretend that we’re a regular couple, that I’m simply a wife who wants to do something nice for her husband.
Before dinner, I take a shower and blow-dry my long brown hair until it’s smooth and shiny.I even apply a little eyeshadow and lipgloss.I don’t normally put this much effort into my appearance, since Julian is already insatiable as is, but tonight I want to look extra pretty for him.My dress for the evening is a strapless little number, ivory with a black trim at the waist, and my shoes are sexy black peep-toe pumps.Underneath, I’m wearing a black strapless pushup bra and a matching thong, the most wicked lingerie set I have in my wardrobe.
I’m going to seduce Julian tonight, for no other reason other than because I want to.
He gets delayed by some last-minute logistics, so I end up waiting for him at the candle-lit dinner table for a few minutes, anxiety and excitement battling for supremacy in my chest.Anxiety because I feel sick thinking about tomorrow, and excitement because I can’t wait to spend time with Julian.
When he finally walks into the room, I stand up to greet him, and his gaze fastens on me with breathtaking intensity.Stopping a few feet away, he runs his eyes over my body.When he lifts his eyes back to my face, the fire that burns in the blue depths sends an electric tingle straight to my core.A slow, sensual smile curls his lips as he says softly, “You look gorgeous, my pet… Absolutely gorgeous.”
A flush of pleasure warms my skin at the compliment.“Thank you,” I whisper, my eyes glued to his face.He changed for dinner as well, putting on a light blue polo shirt and a pair of gray khaki pants that fit his tall, broad-shouldered body like they were made for him.With his dark, lustrous hair back to its former length, Julian can easily pass for a model or a movie star vacationing on a golf resort.My voice sounds breathless as I say, “You look pretty amazing yourself.”
His smile widens as he approaches the table and stops in front of me.“Thank you, baby,” he murmurs, his strong fingers curving around my bare shoulders as he lowers his head and captures my mouth in a deep, yet incredibly tender kiss.I melt on the spot, my neck arching back under the hungry pressure of his lips, and it’s not until Ana pointedly clears her throat behind us that I regain my senses enough to realize that we’re not in our own bedroom.Embarrassed, I push him away, and Julian lets me, releasing me and stepping back with a smile.
“Dinner first, I guess,” he says wryly and, walking around the table, takes a seat across from me.
