She knows about Gina and she still wants to ask me something like this? My thoughts tumble together, searching for a lie that could explain her mistake while hiding my feelings, but she’s right. It’s hard to put that together fifteen minutes after waking up with painkillers keeping the world fuzzy.
“Aerin…”
“Don’t lie to me either. Not after everything that’s happened. Please.”
“We can’t,” I say softly. “You know that.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“I’m far, far too old for you.”
“Falco.”
“I swore an oath to your father?—”
“Stop!” Suddenly she’s on top of me, one leg swinging over my hips and resting on the other side of the bed. Her palm covers my mouth and she glares down at me, then very,veryslowly settles back until she’s resting in my lap.
Maybe I did die. Maybe I’ve found my heaven.
“Don’t say those things. I don’t care about those things. I want an answer, Falco. I need to know that I’m not the only one who feels this, that I’m not crazy. But…” She hesitates, unable to maintain eye contact with me. “But if you tell me it’s all in my head, then this will be the last time I ask. I just…I was so scared and I need to know, okay? I need to know if I’m pathetic and making this all up.”
My heart breaks. If it’s the painkillers or the trauma of the situation, I’m not sure, but for the first time since I met her, lying to her seems like the worst possible thing I could do. I can’t hurt her like that. Not after everything.
I remain silent as her palm covers my mouth until she realizes what she’s doing and quickly removes it.
“You’re not pathetic,” I say finally. “But everything I’ve listed is…is valid and exactly why my feelings for you don’t matter, Aerin. Because this can’t happen.”
“Are you saying that because you don’t want something to happen or because of Gina?”
“I’m saying it because you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, because the way you push my buttons makes me feel alive, because you’re reckless and at the same time you’re smart and calculated, because you saved yourself and you saved my life and you’re an incredible woman and one wrong move from me takes you away from me forever. I’m restraining myself as much as I can so I can stay by your side.”
Her eyes widen as I speak, as the truth pours out of me until I’m panting slightly. “So you’d rather haunt my steps instead?”
“Your father would kill me.”
“He’d kill us both.”
“And I won’t let that happen.”
“I knew it. I see you watching me all the time, even when you think I’m not looking. You’re like a warm shadow. I don’t care that you think you’re too old for me because you’re not, okay? You’re the only person who sees me, the only one who treats me like a person, and I can’t tell you what that means. I need someone by my side, someone who sees me for who I am and has my back. I need that and I need you, Falco. What happened here…it can’t happen again. I can’t risk you dying on me without knowing how I feel. And you feel the same.”
She has no idea how deep these feelings go. She’s talking about a crush and I am deeply, painfully in love with her. It’s right there on the tip of my tongue but I can’t say it. That revelation will destroy us both.
But a crush? I can entertain that.
“Aerin. We can’t happen. I need you to understand that.”
She leans forward and places her hand on the pillows next to me. “If you weren’t you and I weren’t me, would we happen? If you forgot about my father and my family, the business and your oath andeverything, would we happen?”
I gaze up into her eyes, knowing I should lie, knowing I should stamp this out before I reach the point of no return.
But she’s right.
Dying with her knowing how deeply I care for her is definitely preferable to dying in silence.
“Ferocious wolves couldn’t keep me away,” I whisper hoarsely.
Then her lips cover mine and the world stops spinning.
