I don’t know if he realizes he just told me he tried to jack off to it, but it has me instantly hardening in my sweats and getting up off the floor to close the distance. “How close were you?”
Standing behind him, it takes everything not to reach around and touch him through his jeans. I have to be careful here. He’s still shaking.
“Close enough.”
“Do you want to know why I was in there?”
Fuck, he smells so good I want to bury my face in his neck as I fuck him so slowly, I torture us both. But he isn’t ready for that, and I don’t deserve it.
“Because ruining my relationship wasn’t enough?” he asks sarcastically, and again I have to wonder if that was a slip.
I thought he made up with Leo after that?
I’m such an asshole. I should walk away and leave him alone, but I’m not strong enough. It takes everything I have to take a step away and move on like I don’t want to pry into his relationship, because I want to know everything. I want to know they’re done and never looking back, but I fall back onto my bed with a sigh and keep talking. “No. I went there because you were right. I’m fucking dying without human connection, and I go to the only place I want to find it. It’s your fault, really. You told me I could come to you, but sometimes I need a little more than your hand. So unless you’re willing to lower said hand into my lap, I thought this was the only way I could trick myself into believing I was getting what I need.”
“So what then, for the rest of the tour you want me to be your personal little fuck doll?” he asks, and my only regret is that I can’t see his face. “Didn’t you bring one of those with you?”
“Yes,” I admit a little more growly than intended. I want what he just said so badly my balls ache, but I can’t get a read on him. It’s driving me mad. “But that doll is cold. You’re warm. I’m not going to ask you to be my fuck doll, Sid. I’m not that much of an asshole, but I am fucked up enough to ask what you’re willing to offer. What if we...” Fuck, this won’t be enough. “Cuddle.”
He’s silent for so long I think he’s about to turn me down. “Leo was fucking other people the whole time we were together,” he says softly. “I knew about it, I even agreed to it. We were never exclusive, I just never strayed elsewhere like he did because I’m not built to be shared. Even looking at someone else felt like cheating even though I knew it wasn’t. Turns out I’m pretty good at being what other people need, so if what you need is human connection, then... fine. Cuddling, fuck doll, whatever. I’m tired of the dance we’re doing right now anyway.”
Don’t fucking smile.
God, I’m a dick.
I shouldn’t be happy they were never serious because Sidney deserves to be someone’s everything, but I can’t help the relief that spreads from my heart all the way to the tip of my dick. “Sidney, look at me.”
Ihatethat I can’t read his expression. There’s that familiar tint of sadness to his baby blue eyes that seems to live there, but that isn’t all I see. I just can’t put my finger on it. “And what do you need, pretty boy? Tell me what I can give you in return.”
“Just promise me that for however long we do this, it’s only me. I could handle it when it was Leo fucking other people because I never had to see it or hear about it unless I asked. I know we’re not in a relationship or anything but... if you wannafuck other people, just fuck other people. If you wanna fuck me, it has to just be me.”
I’m not sure I’ve ever heard Sidney stand up for himself before so I know that had to be hard, but for me? This decision is the easiest one I’ve ever made. “I don’t want to fuck other people. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve fucked anyone? Since I’ve even considered touching someone that wasn’t you? Six months.”
Finally, his shoulders relax a little. “Have you been tested since then?”
That question means he’s willing to have my cum inside that beautiful little body, and I swear my vision blurs. “I’m good. I test before and after every tour. Have you?”
I don’t think I care, and that’s probably a problem.
His cheeks heat up in the way I love. “I started testing monthly when I got with Leo. We always used condoms but accidents happen, and sometimes my mouth got ahead of the condom. But yeah, I’m good.”
“Then come here.”
It about kills me to sit here and let him come to me, but I have to.
This has to come from him.
His eyes darken as he stares at me, and then all of a sudden, the Sidney I know and love disappears. He’s not awkward or shy anymore, he climbs into my lap like he was always meant to be there and grabs a fistful of my hair. “I have one more rule. Just one.”
Bitting my lip, I try to lean in and kiss the rules off his pouty little lips, but his hold is firm. “Tug any harder and I’ll have to spank you,” I joke, trying one more time before I accept he’s serious and my cock jumps under his ass as I relent. “You’re killing me. What’s the rule?”
His eyes drop to my lips as his demeanor falters. “Don’t kiss me. I know it’s stupid, but I told Leo the same thing. I... just want to save something I love doing for the person I actually end up with.”
I love that Leo didn’t get the honor of kissing Sidney, but I hate the fact that I don’t either. I hate being lumped into the same category as that dickhole, but who can I blame but myself?
My eyes are glued to the lips that will never be mine, and I realize with a jolt that won’t do. I can’t leave this world never knowing how they feel against mine, and one day I will deserve it. That day just isn’t today, and I can respect that. So I nod.
“Anywhere? Or just here?”
