“I’ll be right back.” He rushes back to his car and shuts it off, the bottle of wine in his hand telling me he was prepared to talk through this, but he kept the car running in case I meant what I supposedly said in that text.
Once we’re seated in the living room, he sets the bottle aside and releases a chuckle. “That guy is something else.”
"You can say that again. He’s in a rough place right now,” I say gently. “And I think he’s a little upset that I punched him in the face.”
“Did you actually punch him, though? I think you took it easy on him — and fuck his rough place, that’s no reason to screw you over. Your friend is a coward.”
“I’m sorry that I don’t have the upper body strength you do,” I mutter. I’m mad as hell at Levi, but I can’t stop the squirming in my stomach when I hear anyone say anything bad about him. “And I don’t think I’d call him a coward. An asshole, maybe. But not a coward.”
“Then he’s an asshole and a coward. He’s obviously in love with you and he’s too much of a pussy to act on it, but he won’t let you be happy without him. I know we aren’t legitimate, and I don’t care that you need to imagine him to get off with me, I’m happy to help you out there. We both come, we both win. But if he says another immature thing to me, he’s not going to be happy with how I respond.”
Note to self: Keep Leo and Levi away from each other for the rest of my life. That’ll be easy.
“Oh, he acted on it. Twice.”
“He did? When?” I numbly explain what happened the last few times Levi and I have been alone together, and Leo huffs. “So that’s why he disappeared for two months? Poor baby got rejected. Really though... why didn’t you do it?”
This is where it gets complicated and why I desperately wish he wouldn’t have asked. “Because I’m sleeping with you,” I admit. “You’ve made it very clear we’re not exclusive and will never be, but I... just can’t. It still feels like cheating to me. And if your next question is going to be why I didn’t just end things with you and jump into things with him, it’s pretty simple. I don’t believe him.”
Nodding, he slides his hand along his knees as he contemplates everything. “So, you think he’s only doing it because you’re with me? To what end?”
I’ve asked myself that question a hundred times in the last couple of weeks, and I always come back to the same explanation. “The one thing Levi Cross loves more than anything is a rush. That’s why he’s in a band, that’s why he gets fucked up so often. He loves the rush. Chasing a man who won’t compromise his principles is just another way of getting there. He had plenty of chances to get me when I was single and he didn’t bother.”
“I hope I don’t upset you when I ask this, but why do you still love him? Why not let it go?”
If it was that simple, there wouldn’t be art. There would be no songs about heartbreak, paintings filled with torment. We’d all just... move on. I didn’t tattoo most of my body with roses because this is some passing infatuation.
“For the same reason I stay with you even knowing you’ll never willingly give me what I need,” I say gently. “Because feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all.”
“I guess I can understand that. Okay... just to set it all straight. Do you want to continue this?”
He waves a hand between us both, and that’s the best confirmation I’ll ever get that Leo doesn’t care to take this further. He’ll keep letting me call him Levi because he’s probably picturing someone else, I’ll continue having to get STD panels done because condoms aren’t always enough, and I’m about to go on tour for four months with a man who keeps repeatedly testing my morals.
Maybe it’s best we call it off... I just won’t tell anyone else.
“I... did,” I start. “But with me going on tour and this not exactly being a real relationship, maybe it’s time to call it.”
Frowning softly, he nods as he gets to his feet. “Alright. But for the record, he’s a fool for letting you slip through his fingers. I know that’s rich coming from me, but I knew better than to get attached. I knew I’d never have your heart, so I didn’t give you mine. I’m sorry if that ever hurt you or made you feel not good enough.”
What?
I assumed from the beginning that a true monogamous relationship was never on the table which was why I told him about Levi in the first place. This whole time I could’ve — fuck.
It’s too late now, because he’s right. He can’t have my heart whether or not Levi ever truly gets it because I’ll never trust him.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for. You never acted like this was something it wasn’t and as far as I know, you never lied to me. So we’re good, and who knows? Maybe when the tour is over, I’ll call you.”
“Maybe.” He walks over and kisses my forehead before backing away. “It’s hard to know if I’m rooting for you two or not,” he admits with a chuckle. “You deserve to be happy. Him, on the other hand... I don’t know if he deserves someone like you. Anyway, blowjob for the road?”
I can’t tell if he’s joking or not, and whether he is probably depends on my response.
He doesn’t seem upset at all that this is ending, so I can’t exactly say I’m in the mood. I wish I was though, I’d fucking love to send Levi a picture of it to prove he didn’t get his way. “Sorry,” I mumble. “I’m about five seconds away from crying and no one wants a blowjob using tears as lube, so I think it’s best I say no. I’d appreciate it if you left the wine, though. I can pay you for it.”
“I mean,someonelikes tears for lube,” he jokes. “Not me though. Do you... cry often for him?”
“Look at me, Leo. I cry when my socks get wet.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s something. You don’t have to pay me for the wine, you need it more than me. I can still be a friend if you want,” he adds as he reaches for the door. “If you unblock me of course.”
