“I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just an example. When you love someone you’d do anything for them.”
Even stay away.
“If you love someone, you’ll accept that it’s unrealistic and unfair to expect them to fulfill your every need. And he spits on it for me, it’s close enough.”
I can’t fight the grunt. “Yeah, okay, Sid. Marry him then. Show me a real punch and I’ll fuck off. Aim for my nose again, I want you to see the difference.”
Fucking please. Hurt me.
His brows narrow like he’s gearing up to do it, but he shakes his head. “No, Levi. I told you I won’t fight you.”
“I didn’t ask you to fight me,” I reply through gritted teeth. “I have no intentions of hitting you back. Do it.”
“No. I don’t want to hurt you.”
It could never hurt more than what I’m doing to myself. “So what? You need alcohol to tell me how you really feel?” I shove him softly enough it won’t hurt, but hard enough to annoy him. “Should I go find some wine?”
Shock fades to anger quickly as he shoves me once, then again a lot harder. “What did you break in there after I ruined your high, Levi? A mirror?”
There he is. Treat me like the piece of shit I am. “What does it matter? I paid for all of it.”
I step in again with my heart pounding in my chest.
“Why can’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?” he yells, pushing me so hard I fall to my ass.
Pride and frustration war inside of me as I leap to my feet and crowd his space. “Why can’t you see that it doesn’t matter?”
“Because it does!” He steps forward, squaring up like he’s actually ready to fight me. “People care about you. People need you.”
Literally no one does. I don’t even have a pet that needs me. I could disappear tomorrow and they’d have another drummer for the tour before the week ends. Sure, I help with lyrics sometimes, but no one knows that but my bandmates. I’m entirely replaceable. “Bullshit.”
I shove him back a step, and that does it. He tackles me to the ground, using his twinky little body to pin me.“Icare about you,” he snaps. “Idiot.”
“You care about everyone, Sid. You care about people you don’t even know because you have a big heart. I’m not special.”
And yet... he makes me feel special. He’s someone who cares about everyone, yes, but he’s always cared about me in a way that’s different. I was just too stupid to realize it until it was too late. Why can’t I say that out loud? His body on top of mine has my mind fuzzy and cock swelling in my jeans, but I control my urges and grab both of his wrists to keep him there. I don’t flip us yet though.
“Who gives a fuck if you’re special?” he argues. “If everyone on earth was special, no one would be. We’d all just be fucking normal, and yet you’re still surrounded by people who think you’re pretty fucking special and you’re throwing it away.”
“Throwing it away?” I roll us over so I’m on top of him and stare into his beautiful, sky blue eyes. “How? I’m still here! Bash is getting married, Yas is getting serious with that producer whether she wants to admit it or not, and Jonah started his clothing line. I’m the only one here who has the band at number one anymore. I haven’t thrown shit away.”
“I’m not talking about the band,” he mumbles, squirming under me. “I’m talking about the rest of your life. You’re either high enough to see a god who doesn’t exist or so drunk you don’teven know your own name. You’re killing yourself and pulling away from the only people trying to stop you.”
Fuck this.
I shove off of him and fall back on my ass, a scowl planted firmly on my face as I fight the adrenaline pumping through my body. “You’re not trying anymore, remember? I’m on my own now.”
“You disappeared! What did you expect me to do, Lee? Put up a tent outside your front door and hope you opened it someday?”
“Of course not,” I hiss, but to be honest I don’t know what the fuck I wanted — what I want. All I do know is I want him in my life and I can’t stop fucking it up. “I — what do you want from me, Sid? Yeah, I get fucked up sometimes, but I’m not an addict.”
“How would you even know? You’re never sober long enough to find out.” He finally gets to his feet and fixes his clothes. “If you came over to apologize, you’re doing a great job.”
“I’m sorry, alright? That is why I came.”
I collapse back to lay on his floor and stare at the ceiling, the desire to get high inching its way up my spine. I know how that makes me look, but it feels better than this. I have nothing outside of beating drums louder than my thoughts, no other skills — I can’t even fucking read music. I don’t know how to talk to people, I don’t know how to love. What’s the point of being sober?
With a sigh, I get to my feet and start walking toward the door. “I also wanted to show you how to punch, and you did great. Just remember what I taught you and you’ll do some damage next time.”
