No, the problem was that they weren’tmyheroes.
Because I was beyond saving.
I’d wanted out of that mental hospital, but the truth was, I hadn’t really wanted out of my old life. Not the way I should have.
I’d wanted my father to stop hurting me, but I hadn’t wanted to give him up, either. I hadn’t wanted him to pay for the things he’d done to me… or my brothers.
I’d just wantedhim… I’d wanted to go back to him just being my father and me just being his kid. I’d have gladly given up seeing him punished to get that back.
That was why I didn’t deserve to be saved.
That was why Jace and Eli and Mav had been wasting their time.
And why it had been a fool’s errand to come down here. That peskyfeelingshit had reared its ugly head for a while as I’d contemplated my father coming back into my life, but only because I’dknown when he did, it wouldn’t be so he and I could go back to the way things had been.
No, he was going to kill me like he’d killed Nick, and despite hating every part of my current life, for some reason, my instinct to survive didn’t seem to care about that fact.
It was just another sign of my cowardice.
I didn’t want to live, but I was too afraid to die.
I heard the sound of something heavy being placed on the nightstand. I was surprised Jace had brought his prize into the room with him, but I guessed he figured knowing where the box cutter was would ensure I didn’t use it.
I didn’t bother telling him that I was too numb to need it.
“Why?” I heard Jace ask.
I hated that the despair in his voice sparked something inside of me. I’d never heard him sound like that. I also hated the little sliver of guilt that began to gnaw at my insides.
I shouldn’t have gone to that motel. I shouldn’t have allowed the need to feel Jace’s arms around me to dictate my actions and pull him into my stupid plan. And I definitely shouldn’t have believed that Richard Jennings would somehow suddenly grow a conscience and follow through on the promise he’d made to me so long ago.
“It’s not your fault, Jace,” I said softly, hoping that would mollify him.
But, of course, it didn’t.
The bed shifted and then suddenly he was rolling me on my back. As he leaned over me, I couldn’t help the spark of awareness that went through me. Jace’s dark brown hair had come free of the rubber band he usually tied it back with. It wasn’t long enough to actually touch me, but it fell in loose curls to just above his shoulders. I’d always secretly wished I could touch his hair, just so I could test how the strands would look and feel sliding between my fingers, but I hadn’t ever been brave enough to be that forward.
The things I’d felt for Jace had gone beyond hero worship pretty much the very day I’d met him, but I hadn’t known what to do about it. Despite the fact that I’d become adept at sucking a guy’s cock and had been fucked more times than I could count, I wascompletely clueless when it came to things like interacting with a guy I was attracted to.
In truth, Jace was the first guy I’d ever really wanted. I hadn’t even really been sure I was gay until I’d met the older man. And I’d been certain that the idea of any man ever touching me again would be akin to the worst kind of torture, but I’d found that Jace was most definitely the exception to that rule. Yes, the idea of him fucking me absolutely terrified me, but a part of me also wanted to feel the full weight of his body on mine. I wanted to know what his lips felt like on my skin… and more importantly, on my mouth.
Jace wasn’t a huge guy, but he was well-built. His chest was broad and the collar of his T-shirt rode low enough to give me a tantalizing peek at the tattoo just above his left pectoral muscle. His body was long and rangy, and he always smelled like the outdoors with just a hint of spiciness. His skin tone was several shades darker than my own pale hue, and he had brown eyes that bordered on black. His beautifully shaped lips were framed by a sexy bit of stubble.
Jace settled some of his weight on my lower body as he braced his left arm on the bed next to my head. My body reacted to his groin brushing mine. I had no idea how I managed not to whimper as a powerful wave of sensation rolled through me.
“I left to protect you,” Jace whispered, his voice cracking a bit. It almost seemed like he’d made the comment to convince himself of that fact, not me. “I stayed away because it was for the best,” he practically growled.
I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say to that. Part of me wanted to rail at him that he was the biggest fool on the planet if he actually believed what he was saying, but another part of me wanted to comfort him. To let him continue to believe that what had happened hadn’t had anything to do with him.
I settled for saying, “I know.”
But of course, that only frustrated him more, because his mouth pulled into an even deeper frown.
“Tell me how to fix this,” he murmured.
I held his gaze for a long time before saying, “Not everythingcan be fixed, Jace.” I paused as I took in his hard expression, because the answer clearly didn’t satisfy him. “You know how if something shatters when it breaks, there’s no way to find all the pieces to put it back like it once was? Maybe sometimes it’s better not to even try…”
I let my words hang and watched as his eyes went impossibly dark. He held me for a moment longer and then released me. Then he stared down at me like he was seeing me for the first time.
