I pressed a kiss against his cheek and then pulled his mouth down to mine. “I love you, Jace.”
He sighed. “Love you, baby. So much,” he whispered, then he kissed me deeply. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
I kissed him to shut him up.
I welcomed his weight as he settled completely on top of me and buried his hands in my hair. The kiss turned raw and needy fast, which I was completely on board with. Jace was the one who pulled back, and when I tried to follow, he accepted my kisses, but refused to deepen them.
“Caleb, wait,” he insisted, then he was pulling me to a sitting position. “I need to move the boat out to open water. It’s not safe to spend the night in the marina.”
I sucked in a breath and nodded. I tried to get control of my raging lust while he went above deck to start the boat up. I busied myself with putting the burner phone away, but my mind was reeling too much to make it possible to sit still. I ended up going above deck. The cool air helped calm my libido, but I kept looking over my shoulder at Jace as he focused on getting us out of the inlet.
He loved me.
I couldn’t believe it.
As much as I’d loved hearing the words, everything seemed even more insurmountable now. Knowing that my happiness and well-being would have such a strong impact on another person was overwhelming. I glanced down at my arm. I couldn’t see the scars but I could feel them. They’d been so many things to me for so long.
My friend.
My confidant.
My escape.
I knew Jace would want me to stop hurting myself for good, and I wouldn’t have expected anything different. But saying I’d give up the one thing that had kept me from losing myself completely, and actually doing it, were two very different things. Even now, the emotion I was feeling was overwhelming. Most of it was good, but the doubt and fear were there too.
What if Jace hadn’t meant what he’d said? What if he decided I wasn’t worth the effort when he realized I couldn’t just fix myself and be everything he needed me to be? What if he got tired of being with someone who couldn’t separate the monster from the father long enough to completely let go of the past?
Would I survive losing Jace?
I hadn’t even noticed that the boat had come to a stop until Jace’s arms wrapped around me from behind. He kissed my neck. “Don’t overthink this,” he murmured.
“How can I not?” I asked. “I have so much more to lose now than I ever did.”
“You’re not going to lose me.”
“You can really do it, Jace?” I asked.
“Do what?”
“Love me even if I never find some of the pieces?”
He hugged me tighter. “I love you in this moment as much as I will ten years from now. Twenty, thirty, a hundred… doesn’t matter. No matter how many times you fall and shatter into a million pieces, I’ll spend every day of the rest of our lives helping you find any pieces that remain. The things I love about you can’t ever truly be lost, Caleb.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I didn’t say anything. Any words I might have spoken would have seemed inadequate to describe what he’d just done for me. With that one statement, he’d given me permission for so many things.
“Let’s go to bed,” Jace urged.
I held his words close to my heart as I turned to face him and said, “Jace, I’ve loved what we’ve done so far, but I don’t think I’m ready for anything more. I know you said I could, um, take you, but I don’t think I’m ready for that, either. The stuff I’m feeling, it’s already too much and I don’t know how to deal with it…”
As badly as I wanted to look at him, I couldn’t. The embarrassment was just too great.
But of course, Jace wasn’t satisfied, and he tipped my chin up. “We can do as much or as little as you want for as long as you want,Caleb. But I really need to hold you tonight. Five days without you in my arms has been pure hell.”
I smiled and nodded, then accepted his kiss.
He took my hand and led me below deck. I tugged him to a stop when he started to walk past the kitchen. I reached into the fridge and pulled out two containers of strawberry milk and then snagged the last package of Sno Balls from the counter.
“I’ll split them with you,” I said as I nodded at the Sno Balls.
