“I’m sure,” Jace said. “I’ve managed to find things here and there about her, but every time I think I’m getting close, the trail goes cold. I was there a few weeks ago, but the lead I was given didn’t pan out.”
I wanted to say something meaningful, something that would give him strength or hope, but I couldn’t manage to say anything at all, because my tears chose that moment to start streaking down my face. Jace’s sister had to be so damned scared, and the suffering she endured every single day of her life…
“Hey,” Jace said as he leaned into me and then drew me forward. I felt the milk get plucked from my fingers and then I was being drawn against Jace’s chest.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted.
“For what?”
“For not saying the right thing… for not making it better somehow. Because it can’t be better. I can’t even imagine how scared you must be but you’re so strong—”
“Not strong,” Jace murmured with a shake of his head before he pressed his lips against the top of my head. “Just really good at faking it.”
I wouldn’t have believed him if it hadn’t been for the fine tremor that I felt go through his body. And the way he was holding me… so okay, maybe I couldn’t give him the right words, but maybe this moment was enough for now.
But he was wrong about one thing… hewasstrong. I would have given anything for even an ounce of whatever it was that kept him moving forward, despite the inevitable hopelessness he must have felt every time he’d had another lead on his sister dry up.
“And Caleb?”
“Yeah?”
His arms closed around me even tighter. “This helps,” he said gruffly.
I didn’t resist when Jace maneuvered us so that we were lying down. Unlike the previous times he’d held me as we’d slept, this time I was pressed up against his chest, my head tucked right beneath his chin. His fingers sifted through my hair and I found myself sinking more of my weight down onto him, even as my brain tried to warn me that I was getting too close.
“Make me understand, Caleb,” Jace said softly.
It didn’t take a genius to know what he was really asking me. I suspected he had a million questions for me, but the surprise would have been if he’d led with anything thatwasn’trelated to the scars on my arm.
“I don’t understand it myself sometimes,” I admitted.
“When did it start? I don’t remember… I don’t…” His voice dropped off, but I didn’t need him to continue. He didn’t remember seeing the scars on me when we’d first met two years earlier or the one Christmas we’d spent together.
“About six months ago,” I said. I could feel my anxiety building, so I began toying with the material of his shirt. “This kid from school toldme about it. I walked in on him when he was doing it in the bathroom. I saw the blood in the sink and the razor blade in his hand and I thought he was trying to kill himself. I told him I’d get help, but he just laughed at me. Said help was already there and then he lifted the razor blade. I couldn’t stop thinking about it – he was so… relaxed. Almost… happy.”
I was still playing with Jace’s shirt when his hand settled over mine. I smiled against his chest when he began to thrum our fingers together. I wondered how he knew I needed to keep some part of me moving at that point. Most people needed quiet to focus.
I wasn’t most people.
Quiet and I didn’t do well together.
“I’d been getting into trouble with Mav and Eli the past year because they caught me drinking a lot. The alcohol made it so I didn’t have to feel anything, but it was too hard to hide. I didn’t want to risk messing around with drugs, since I’d seen what they’d done to Nick.”
I felt Jace tense beneath me and his fingers stilled for a moment, but I continued. I wasn’t interested in dragging this whole thing out.
“Then I remembered the kid’s expression from that day in the bathroom and I decided to try it. I’ve never felt more in control than when I have that blade in my hand, Jace,” I admitted. “I know that sounds fucked up—”
“It doesn’t,” Jace interjected. “But you know it’s not real, right?”
I sighed because I did know that. “I know,” I murmured. “I don’t control it. It controls me.” I hesitated and said, “I’d still rather have the illusion, though.”
Jace sighed. “What happened to going to therapy? You told Eli you’d try.”
“I did,” I said softly. I pulled my fingers from Jace’s and let them rest on his chest. “Tell me how I was supposed to tell a complete stranger the truth, Jace. That not only did I let my father fuck me, but that I actually got jealous when he’d pretend I was someone else.”
Shame curled through me and I wasn’t surprised when Jace shifted us until we were both sitting upright. He grabbed my chinand forced me to look at him. “Don’t you dare try to take any of what that man did to you on yourself.”
I willed myself to remain quiet, but giving voice to that particular secret was like punching a tiny hole in the dam that was holding back all the shit that was threatening to drown me. “I hated him so much, Jace.”
