She would let herself fade if no one took care of her.I understood the desire.It was the same one I had when my parents died.Untethered.Floating alone.I had Hannah and Evie, but Christy didn’t have a husband or kids.She was by herself.
Oscar and I would keep her grounded.Check in with her.Make sure she was okay.
Oscar walked into the house a minute later and went right to Christy.She collapsed in his arms, and he held her tightly.He’d experienced more loss than I had, and the look on his face said he was reliving it with Christy.
I let the two of them sit, and I went to the kitchen.Food fixed a lot of things.And alcohol numbed it.I didn’t have anything easy to prepare, and I wanted to sit with Christy instead of standing over a stove after a long and exhausting day.I grabbed my phone and put in an order for three pizzas and plenty of beer, paying extra for it to be delivered within an hour.
I pulled three beers from the fridge and opened them all, carrying them to the couch.Christy pulled back from Oscar, smiling at both of us.
“I know you guys don’t like when I’m upset.I didn’t know where else to go.”
“We don’t like when we don’t know why you’re upset,” Oscar corrected her.“We get this.”
“I don’t like not being able to fix it, though,” I added.
“True,” Oscar agreed.“Shit, Chris, I wish we could fix this.”
“Me, too.”
“Do you want to talk about it?Tell us what happened?”I asked.
She shrugged, but then she opened her mouth.“I knew he was getting close to the end.After you guys all came over last week, it was like he was at peace.He started letting go.He’s been talking about my mom more lately.It was kind of nice for me to think she was hanging around, waiting for him.”
“Maybe she was,” Oscar said, his voice thick.
Christy nodded.“I think she was.It was good.”
We were all quiet for a minute, thinking about the end.Thinking about who would be there waiting for us at the end.I hoped my parents would be there.
“I got up this morning, and I took a shower and got dressed.I’m off work, but when Dad gets up… got up, it was harder for me to get away.If he’s still in bed, I know he’s safe.But he wasn’t.When I got in there, his breathing had slowed.He could barely open his eyes.He smiled when I took his hand, but he didn’t squeeze mine back.”Christy stopped to draw a breath.It rattled on the way out with her effort to hold back her emotions.
Oscar and I sat on opposite sides of her, each holding a hand to give her our strength.Neither of us spoke, allowing Christy time to collect herself.
“I knew it was the end.I knew there wouldn’t be anymore days with him.So I just sat there.I held his hand and told him I loved him and asked him to say hi to my mom, and sat there.I didn’t do anything for him.”
“There was nothing you could have done,” Oscar whispered.
“I know.I think I know.But I’m a nurse.I save lives every day.And I couldn’t save his.”Tears streamed down her cheeks.
“If there was anything you could have done, you would have done it,” I told her.
She swallowed.“I didn’t think it would hurt this much.”
Oscar exhaled harshly.“I don’t think it matters how it happens.It hurts like fucking hell.”
I nodded in agreement.“Coach lived a life he loved.He will be missed by so many people.You’re not alone in that pain.”
“I know,” Christy said.“Thank you guys for being here for me.I should go.Let you get back to your evenings.”
I traded a look with Oscar and shook my head.“I was planning to sit right here and feel sorry for myself,” I admitted.
“What the hell do you have to feel sorry for yourself about?”Oscar asked.
“My kid is with her mother, and in a few weeks, she’s going to be away at college, and I’ll be alone,” I said, the words scraping my insides as they came out.
“I’m alone now,” Christy said.
“So am I,” Oscar said.“There are times it fucking sucks.And there are times when it’s just normal.But for tonight, we can talk about Coach, see if Josh has any food, and finish these beers.”
