The only thing harder than being single was being single and not twenty.Things were no longer perky, or cute, or tight.Not that I’d ever been any of those things, but it was easier to pretend when the boys were too inexperienced to care.The closer I got to forty, the less inexperienced my dates were, and the less I could hide the way my body had changed.
I thought Rob didn’t care about those things, but that was because Rob didn’t care about a lot of things.Me, for one.I’d hung a lot of hopes on Rob.Hopes that I wouldn’t go into my golden years alone.
Hopes that were dumb because I never really loved him, even though I said I did.He was a box to check.Someone to make me feel less alone.Someone to list as an emergency contact.
Yeah, I had Reegan now, but Reegan was lost in her love bubble with Josh.I was happy for them, honestly, but I wanted someone who looked at me the way Josh looked at Reegan.She deserved it.I was jealous of them, but I was ecstatic for her.She was my favorite person in the world, and I was thrilled she’d not only found someone who loved her for exactly who she was, but that he lived next door to me so I could see her all the time.
But I still wanted my own Josh.My own guy who would always be there and always want me.
“Are you up?”Reegan called softly from the front door.
“What are you doing here?”I asked, spinning on my stool to face her.
“Hey, you are up.I was going to surprise you.”Reegan stepped inside.She had a beautiful potted iris in her hands.
“Is that for me?”I breathed, my gaze locked on my favorite flower.
“It is.I thought they would be perfect in the window in your bedroom since you get a lot of afternoon sunlight there.”She brought the flower closer, revealing two irises in the pot.
“Two?”
“It is February, the second month.It only made sense to get two flowers.”
I chuckled, my fingers running over the soft petals of the rich purple irises.“They’re beautiful.”
“Good.I’m taking you to breakfast.Birthday breakfast.Go put these in your room and get dressed, old lady.”
“Just wait until you’re thirty-eight and see how old you think it is,” I growled back, accepting the bright yellow pot that matched the center of the flowers.
Reegan laughed.“I’m on your heels.But I’ve always felt like I was forty.I’m more ready for getting older than you are.”
“Are you going gray yet?”
A laugh popped out of her.“No, but neither are you.”
“Oh, but I am.I found two last night.”
“Two is nothing.”
“Says the woman with zero.”
“Why are you spiraling?”Reegan asked.She followed me to my room, her gaze searching my hair.
I set the happy, yellow pot of irises on the dresser near my window, knowing it would be plenty of light for the flowers, and pointed to the offending hairs right at my part.“Could they be more obvious?”
Reegan sighed like I was being ridiculous.“Dye your hair.”
“No, I…” The thought stopped me.I’d been wanting to change my look for a while.Since Rob.Shake off the old me.The me who was so desperate to not be alone that I settled for a man I knew would never actually stick around.One I didn’t really want to stick around, if I was being honest.But I wasn’t being that honest yet.
Somewhere along the way, I lost a piece of myself.A piece that allowed me to sayfuck youto the things I didn’t like.That gave me the confidence to be single and not care what that said about me.
“I know that look,” Reegan said with a smirk.“What color?”
“Am I that transparent?”
She shook her head.“No, but I know you.You had a new color every other month in college.And a new guy.Usually the new color was because of the old guy, though.I thought you were over Rob.”
“I am.God, I so am.But I don’t love being alone.Or wanting to not be alone.”
