She looks right into my eyes as she says it. And I know she’s right. There’s no stopping her. Silence passes between us and Syd slides the plane ticket off the table and chews on her lip.
“I know she loves you,” she tells me.
I nod. I know it, too.
“And you love her,” she says.
I nod again. Open my mouth to speak and close it again, unsure if what I’m about to say might ruin this young girl—no young woman—for life. But she needs to know.
I swallow and tell her the truth.
“Sometimes that’s not enough.”
Syd tilts her head and makes the sound my mom makes sometimes with her teeth. She looks me over like I’ve just told her the wrong answer to the easiest question in the world. Then she pats my shoulder twice and goes back to her side of the table where she polishes off her sandwich, leaving me to wonder who just schooled who.
Chapter Forty-Six
Devon
Lesson 47: Heartbreak is not an equation you can solve.
“Each group has been given three systems of equations. To date, you’ve all become masters at solving them—finding the point that makes both of the equations true—like genius detectives?—”
“Or master thieves cracking the safe code!” Logan interrupts me. Not surprising.
“Yes, if you’d rather be sociopaths in this simile, by all means.” I give him a thumbs up while I circulate, a few well-read kids giggling to themselves at my joke. Normally that sound would fill me with that warm, gooey feeling, but it falls short. I’m much harder to fill these days.
“Anywho,” I continue. “You might run into something you’ve never seen before with these systems. Your job is to use your teammates, your brains, and any of the resources I’ve placed atyour tables to figure out the answers to these three systems—if you can. Mwahaha.”
I steeple my fingers and do my best evil laugh. They just stare at me like I’m their mother wiping something off their chin.
Danielle’s hand goes up in the back. Her acrylics are filed to points. She looks badass. “Can we use the graph?” she asks.
“Is it at your table?” I ask back.
“Yes.”
I lift my brows and Danielle nods. Inference making skills. Check.
“Alright, are you ready, teams?”
A chorus of yeses smacks me from all angles. And one hell yes. I shake my head at the latter.
“Go!”
Twenty-five heads bend toward their task. Four stay still and stare at my X-men poster across the room. I’ll take that percentage.
I head for my desk and set the timer on my phone, barely resisting the temptation to read Jeff’s texts about being in the area last Saturday for the hundredth time. The dot dot dot had been like three quick shots to the heart. Boom. Pow. Bang. And they’d lasted there for almost an hour before they disappeared. What did he write that he never sent? I’d thought of every possible text.I love you and I’m outside your window with a boombox. Or, I’m moving my family and career to New Jersey to be with you.My imagination could be so selfish. I’ve reread those six bubbles a thousand times; touched the screen like I could feel him through it. Thank goodness for school and my students. They are the only thing left distracting me from this awful gaping hole in my gut. I picture it as Miss Pac-Man swallowing all the little balls of joy that she can get her greedy lips around.
“Eight minutes, sleuths and thieves,” I announce, holding up my phone screen.
I love team discovery math. They are always so engaged, excited to arrive at the knowledge. The scratching of pencils on notebook paper soothes me for a moment before it gets gobbled up.
I’ve been texting with Jenny—a dangerous pastime, I know, based on my desperate need to escape all things Jeffish. But my dumdum heart has to check in on his mother and Sammy. And indirectly, Jeff.
It seems things are moving along as expected. They have paid off everything they needed to. And Jeff is starting his new position at Chicago Central. Life is moving on for them. Moving forward. Making progress.
Sydney will be flying out at the end of January and staying with his family. When she told me what Jeff did for her, I cried. There was joy in those tears—excitement for her incredible future—and so much pride. After everything that girl has been through, she’s not tethered by her past or her self-doubt. She’s a goddamned trailblazer.
