When I’m finished, my chest is tight. I’m drowning in the shame of it, and in the futile wish I had something better to offermy mate than a half-life, burdened by debt. A life I don’t want for myself and could never ask her to accept in a partner.
“So that’s your reason?” Seren asks, with a terrible tenderness and understanding in her voice that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. “Why didn’t you just say so?”
“Don’t you understand?” Why doesn’t she understand, why isn’t she as disgusted with my failure as I am? “I’ve made a mess of it all. I’ve failed everyone, failed myself, entered into a contract that means I can’t be there for you how you need me to.”
“And all of that might be fixed after tomorrow,” Seren points out.
It might.
And we also might both lose our lives tomorrow. Or the queen might decide she’d rather have her lover trussed up and dragged back to her, no matter the cost to him.
Even if we succeed, it doesn’t erase the fact of my shame.
“None of it matters. Not the hunt. Not the bounty.”
It’s the truth. I may have initially entertained Pytri and his news about the hunt because the prize was so rich, but that’s not the reason I’m still here.
She must know that.
“But you entered the hunt,” she argues. “You went to that Goddess-forsaken realm to hear the queen’s challenge.”
I let out a harsh breath. “I wouldn’t have bothered going just for the sake of my debts.”
“Then why did you?”
I meet her eye and wait for her to puzzle out the truth of it for herself.
It takes one heartbeat, two, a handful more before her mouth falls open on a short, surprised inhale.
“Oh.”
“I went because you went, star. I went because I couldn’t bear the idea of you there alone, at any hunter’s mercy, with no one to look out for you.”
“You didn’t even know me then,” she protests.
“My soul knew yours.” It’s as honest an answer as I can give her.
Her eyes gleam briefly, but she buries whatever emotion is shining there and throws up her hands in frustration.
“I never asked you to.”
“I know.”
“So what am I supposed to do with that?” she asks, voice breaking on the question. “How am I supposed to make sense of it?”
“I went to Faerie because you’re my mate,” I concede. “I went because whatever magick and blessing of the Goddess that ties us together made it intolerable for me to imagine you there alone. All of that is true.”
She opens her mouth like she’s about to interrupt, but I press on, hoping she’ll give me time to explain.
“But now? Now that I’ve gotten to know you, now that we’ve spent this time together and I see what this magick really is, what it promises, what it means, there is nowhere I wouldn’t go. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to ensure your safety. You’re the other half of my soul, Seren, whether or not you feel it, too.”
Her eyes gleam again, and I make myself push through.
“I only wish it could be enough to make me worthy of you.”
She lets out her breath in a frustrated huff. “How about you let me decide what’s worthy of me and what’s not?”
I open my mouth to offer… well, I’m not really sure. More self-flagellation, probably. More reasons she should see me the way I see myself.
