“I feel satisfaction. Interest. Attachment. Possession. Annoyance. Anger. And when I say attachment,” he continued, “I don’t mean the warm, floating kind you’re probably thinking of… Honestly, I’ve never tried to explain this before, baby. It’s harder than I thought.”
Something fluttered in my chest. “You haven’t talked about this with anyone before?”
His short nails raked through my hair, gently scratching my scalp. “Not like this. When I was a kid, I said some things to mynanay. Things that I didn’t realize at the time should’ve remained as ‘inside thoughts.’”
I hummed, closing my eyes.
“She rightfully freaked out,” he continued, the scraping of his nails sending pleasant tingles down my spine. I kept my eyes closed, strangely relaxed despite the subject, and just listened. “She didn’t want anyone to know, though. She needed me to still be the perfect son she bragged about. So instead of taking me to a doctor, she took me to her priest. It was frustrating—a waste of time. So I learned to pretend. If I acted the way people expected a regular kid to act, they’d get off my back.”
I frowned a little. “Did your mom know you were acting?”
“Yeah, I think so. But it was more important for me to excel at school and in extracurriculars than to put me in real treatment.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, not liking that his needs were ignored in favor of public appearance. Then I winced. It wasn’t like my father was any better.
“It’s fine. If she had gotten me actual help, then I’d have a diagnosis following me. I wouldn’t have been able to get the job I have now. This way, I’m able to slip under the radar. No one knows, so they can’t bother me about it.” He scoffed. “Although I’m sure they have their suspicions of me now.”
“‘Cause of me?”
“Yeah. Honestly, I should’ve gotten in a fuck-ton of trouble for what I did. The only reason I didn’t is that it would’ve been a headache for the higher-ups.”
“Sorry…”
He laughed, tugging me closer. “You didn’t do anything wrong, El. I did. The only reason I’m not sitting in jail right now is that you lied and told them I never touched you.”
“They didn’t need to know that,” I mumbled, ears going red.
“No, they didn’t, baby,” he agreed, gazing at me affectionately. “You protected Daddy, you know.”
“I wasn’t trying to. I just didn’t want to tell them that stuff.”
“I know, sweet boy. But whether you tried to or not, you did,” he said, kissing the top of my head.
I was quiet for a minute, then asked, “So… what do you feel for me?”
“At the very beginning, I remember thinking you were adorable.”
I squirmed, nuzzling myself further into his side. “Really?”
His hand slid from my head to the back of my neck, squeezing lightly. “Really.”
“And um… after that, Daddy?”
His hand tightened, then relaxed. “I don’t think you’d like to hear that.”
Well, now Ireallywanted to.
“It’s okay. I know you were using me,” I said softly. “Tell me. Please?”
Daddy sighed, tapping a finger against my skin. “Okay. But if I do, I need you to keep listening till the end. Till I get to now.”
I nodded, my heart thudding hard.
“Alright. Well, like I said, I found you to be really fucking cute. I had several conversations with myself about not fucking the cult leader’s son.”
I laughed, imagining that.
“You were very much my type. Not like the guys I used to fuck and leave. You… you were more of a fantasy. Something I’d always wanted, but thought didn’t exist. Your innocence and naivety tempted me. I tried to ignore it. I started getting close to you to get information on your dad. It was rather obvious you liked me, so I was milking that,” he recounted. “It was fun to see the reactions I could get out of you.”
