Jenna looked at him, mouth open. But she could certainly envision it happening as he’d speculated. So, she’d approached a man and asked him to become her lover all on the basis of idle gossip. Mortification seized her, and she had the urge to flee the room. But another thought popped into her mind, and she whipped her head around to look at him. “If none of the rumors were true, then why...why did you agree to become my lover?”
He looked away, his expression pained. When he looked back, she could see guilt reflected in his eyes.
“At first, I was angry. Angry at your assumption, and angry because you were treating me no better than every other woman of society.”
Jenna had the grace to flush. Shehadn’tbeen any better than anyone else. A pulse beat at her neck, though. Had he done this all out of some desire for revenge? She looked away, unable to meet his gaze any longer.
“But you made me feel alive for the first time in many years,” he said quietly. “I wanted to take you in my arms from the first moment you walked into the library.”
The silent pain in his voice caused her chest to tighten. She turned back to look at him. “Who was the other woman, Gray? Is she why I hear such sadness in your voice sometimes? See such pain in your eyes?”
He gazed into the fire, and suddenly he looked vulnerable, sitting naked in front of her. He looked so open, as if all his defenses had been breached. “Five years ago, I met a girl and fell in love with her. She was unattainable, but I loved her anyway, and she loved me. Her name was Roslyn and all I could think about was making her mine.”
He turned back to her, and she saw the memories burning brightly in his eyes, almost mirroring the flames from the fireplace. “Her father was livid that his daughter had condescended to my level and swore that he’d never allow a man such as me to marry into his family. I begged Roslyn to elope with me, and she reluctantly agreed. You see, it wasn’t that she didn’t love me, or thought she was above me, but she knew that by marrying me she would be letting go of her family. It was a choice she should have never been forced to make.”
Jenna’s heart ached for both Gray and Roslyn, for she knew well how familial duty went. “What happened?” she asked softly.
Tears clouded his gray eyes. “Her father followed us and caught up to us before we could be married. In a rage, he confronted us and demanded Roslyn return with him. He told her that her mother had suffered a heart attack when she’d learned Roslyn had run away. Roslyn couldn’t refuse to return with him. She promised me, as soon as she saw to her mother, she would marry me no matter what her father said. On the way back, they had a carriage accident and were both killed.”
“Oh, Gray! I’m so sorry.”
“So, you see, my love for Roslyn ruined an entire family. I went to see her mother, knowing I was at fault for her ill health only to find her the pink of perfection. Roslyn’s father had lied in order to get her to return with him. Only now, they were both gone and Roslyn’s mother had no one.”
“Surely you don’t blame yourself,” Jenna said in disbelief.
“Who else would I blame? I should have never asked her to choose me over her family. If I hadn’t, she’d still be alive.”
“Maybe her family shouldn’t have made it a choice,” she mused. “She could have had both if they had accepted her choice in you.” But even as she said the words, she knew how ridiculous they sounded. Women weren’t offered a choice. Wasn’t that precisely why she was sitting here in front of her lover? Because she hadn’t been offered a choice in whom she married or been given any say so in her future.
Resentment swelled her chest, and for the first time she felt truly angry at her parents, her father. How could they have saddled her with Stuart? Didn’t they care anything for her happiness?
If only she hadn’t been born an earl’s daughter. Then perhaps she wouldn’t be used as a pawn, wouldn’t be offered up like a sacrificial lamb for the family honor.
“They didn’t accept her choice because I was born on the docks and actually work for my living.” The bitterness in his voice echoed through the room.
“You must have loved her a great deal.”
He nodded, seemingly lost in the pain of his memories. Feeling awkward, she got up and went to put on her clothing. Gray followed her and buttoned the back of her dress. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel badly.”
She turned around in his arms. “I’m the one who is sorry. I made such assumptions about you, treated you like every other person in society has. For that I am ashamed.”
“No,” he said fiercely. “You aren’t like the others. You actually talk to me, not down at me. I’ve not regretted our affair for a moment. I hope you haven’t either.”
“No, but I am more ashamed that I haven’t been able to conjure regret for acting in complete opposition to everything I’ve been brought up to believe.”
“You are an incredible woman, Jenna. I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman to equal you.”
She smiled at him. “And I don’t think there is another man like you in the world. Roslyn was lucky to have your love.”
“Thank you for saying that,” he said quietly. Regret filled his face as he consulted the time. “We’ve but a few minutes before you must go.” He drew her tightly into his arms just as a knock sounded at the door.
They pulled away and Jenna gave him a rueful smile. “That will be Masterson telling me the carriage is here.”
She paused at the door and turned back to look at him. “You’ve said why you agreed to the affair. But is it also the only reason you have continued seeing me?”
His face hardened and his eyes flashed. “If you have to ask that, then you’ve learned nothing about me.”
She stared at him for a long moment. “Goodbye, Gray. Until tomorrow.”
