Jillian left with a heavy heart. Ruse or not she did not look forward to being away from her home and the people she felt closest to. She rode back to Lady Bea’s in silence, her mind filtering through the myriad of changes that had affected her life in the past weeks. She did not like the web of deception she and Justin were creating. It could only lead to disappointment—hers.
###
True to her word, Lady Bea set about compiling an impressive guest list and employed Lady Cecilia and Lady Burlington to spread gossip concerning the big announcement.
Hosting the engagement ball of the Duke of Whittington was quite a feather in Lady Bea’s cap, whether it was to be a real engagement or not. Her status as London’s premiere hostess would certainly remain intact for seasons to come.
Jillian’s first few days at Lady Bea’s were a flurry of activity. It wasn’t until the third day that she realized she hadn’t seen Justin since he conveyed her from her townhome to Lady Bea’s. When she mentioned this oddity to Lady Bea, the older woman’s response was swift.
“Oh no, my dear, you won’t be seeing the duke before the ball, at least not without proper chaperone. Even then, your contact must be limited. It wouldn’t do for there to be a cloud of scandal surrounding such a happy occasion.”
Jillian sat back against the gold damask sofa. “No, I don’t suppose it would,” she murmured. Lady Bea’s words served to remind her just how unsuited she and Justin were.
Lady Bea’s expression gentled. “Now, my dear, your dour thoughts are reflected in your eyes. The duke must care a great deal for you. He has done much to ensure your safety.”
Jillian was uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had drifted. Justin’s motives were precisely what she was struggling to decipher. Her angst must have been apparent to Lady Bea because she looked down to consult the list in her wrinkled hand and guided the conversation to a more neutral topic.
“We have an afternoon appointment with the dressmaker who is designing your gown. Then we must finish the invitations so they go out in tomorrow’s post. We’ll be cutting it close with the ball just a fortnight away, but I have no doubt, once the invitations are received, the journey to London will commence.”
A twinkle lit her kind eyes. “This ball will be the talk for many months to come. Yet another eligible bachelor will have to be crossed off the lists of ambitious mammas, which will only tighten the competition for the remaining few.”
Jillian felt a pang of guilt. While they had confided the details of the attempts on Jillian’s life, they had not gone so far as to divulge that their engagement was a pretense. She felt a big fat fraud.
“My dear?”
Jillian looked up guiltily, praying that her thoughts were not reflected on her face. “My apologies, Lady Bea, this has been so much in such a short time.”
“It is I who should apologize,” Lady Bea said remorsefully. “I’ve barely given you the opportunity to settle in before I started making demands of you. You’ve had a trying time of late, and you’ve not even had a chance to fully recover from your latest ordeal.”
Jillian took the older woman’s hand in hers. “Don’t apologize, my lady, you’ve been so wonderful to me. Justin and I are both so grateful for everything you are doing.”
Lady Bea smiled affectionately at her, placing her other hand over Jillian’s. “I’m just so happy for you. You deserve someone like the duke after all you’ve been through.” She patted Jillian’s hand gently. “I know he’ll be good to you, my dear. He’s a good man.”
“Yes, he is,” Jillian said softly. “He deserves more than I can give him.”
Lady Bea looked startled by her statement. “Why don’t you let him be the judge of that?”
###
Snowflakes drifted downward, coating the now unmolested streets of London with a thin layer of white. Jillian shivered lightly from her position on the small balcony outside her third level bedroom. The gardens below her glistened beneath the full moon overhead, the grass already covered in a blanket of ice.
She placed her hands on the cold metal of the railing as she stared pensively into the night. Much of the last weeks she had conducted herself in a haze, in denial of the stark reality of her circumstances. It was time she took some control over her own destiny.
She had agreed passively to this whole charade because, secretly, the idea of being affianced to Justin, even temporarily, gave her inexplicable thrill. But when it was over, she and Justin would part ways, and she would resume her solitary existence, just on the fringes of society.
Justin may think he wanted to marry her now, but there was no guarantee that he would feel the same a few months down the road. Perhaps he thought to mold her into the type of duchess he found suitable, but she knew that sort of life was not what she wanted. Now that she’d had a taste of independence, she could not go back to a life subjugated to society’s rules. Not even for Justin could she make such a sacrifice.
She didn’t really fear him. He wouldn’t hurt her as Lucas had done, but there were many kinds of pain. Watching Justin come to regret his choice in a wife would be more agonizing than any beating she had ever suffered.
Retreating back indoors, Jillian gently closed the door behind her. A fire blazed in the hearth, warming the rush of cold air that entered with her. She undressed and turned the covers back on her bed.
What would she do once her engagement to Justin was dissolved? Most of her life had been spent under the dictates of others. First her father, then her aunt and then the school she had been sent away to. Once she had arrived in London, she quickly traded away her freedom to Lucas, and then, upon his death, she had remained in the society circles she despised, and for what?
It was time to make some decisions regarding her future. For the first time, she gave serious consideration to selling her London home and relocating outside the confines of fashionable society. Perhaps she could even travel. Visiting all the historically rich places she loved to read about would be an appealing prospect.
A flicker of excitement ignited within her. How many other women were fortunate enough to plot their own course in life? And here she was squandering such a luxury. She laughed aloud in delight.
An image of Justin flashed across her mind and she sobered. Again, her independence would come at a price. She wondered if she would ever truly be happy knowing that Justin had married another. Undoubtedly, he could find a more suitable duchess among the many exemplary models of young women from the finest families in England. She would release him from any obligation he felt towards her. It was the least she could do for all he had done for her.
