She glanced down a moment before lifting her gaze once more, color staining her cheeks. “Why don’t you want me to touch you... there... to pleasure you like you pleasure me?” she asked in a low voice.
Silas’s brow furrowed in confusion, not immediately understanding her question. She always pleasured him. Hell, being in the same room with her pleased him. Looking at her pleased him.
“Why won’t you let me touch you with my mouth? Do you not want me that way? Is it because I don’t have any experience? Am I that terrible at it?”
Her flush deepened, and her expression became more distressed as understanding flashed painfully in Silas’s mind. He closed his eyes, tormented by the thought that he’d made her feel unwanted. Not good enough. As if she didn’t please him. When nothing could be further from the truth. Dear God, how did he explain? How could he tell her of his shameful, degrading past and why the mere thought of having anyone perform oral sex on him sent him to dark places in his past he never wanted to revisit again?
He desperately scrambled for something to say, an explanation. Something that would reassure her without having to delve into the sordid details that would horrify her and forever change the way she looked at him. How could she possibly ever want to be near him again if she knew the awful truth? What if she no longer wanted him?
He slid his hand down to tuck his fingers beneath her chin, nudging upward so she was forced to meet his gaze.
“Hayley, you trusting me to be your first lover, the gift of your virginity, is the single most precious gift anyone has ever given me. I said this before and I absolutely meant it. In no way does your innocence and inexperience affect my absolute desire for you. Ilovethat I’m the only man who has ever touched you so intimately, the only man who has ever made love to you, and I love even more being the one you discover your passion with and being the man who teaches you anything you want to know. Nothing will ever change that.”
Her eyes and expression very clearly showed her confusion and uncertainty. Her doubt.
“Thenwhy?” she whispered. “Why don’t you want me to pleasure you in that way? You can show me how if I’m doing it wrong. I want to give that to you, Silas. It’s important to me.”
Silas closed his eyes as awkward silence fell over them and pain slashed through his heart. To withhold the truth from her would only feed into her insecurity and she would forever perceive it as a rejection of her, and he’d die before ever making her feel that way.
And yet if he lost her by confessing who and what he was, a part of him would die anyway. Bracing for her inevitable horror and rejection, he sucked in a tortured breath, his expression going as bleak as he felt.
“It’s not you, princess,” he said in barely above a whisper. “It’s never been you. You’re so fucking perfect and I’m...” He closed his eyes again and looked away as unfamiliar emotion and vulnerability gripped him.
Beside him, Hayley shifted, going up on her knees as she slid her hands into his, holding tightly.
“You’re what, Silas?”
“Damaged. A monster. A killer,” he said dispassionately.
Her sudden intake of air was audible, and he tensed.
“I’llneverbelieve you’re a monster,” she said in an angry voice. “Idon’t care what you believe. What you’ve been told. You arenota monster and I won’t have you say it.”
“I killed my own parents,” he said bluntly, his eyes going to her face to witness her reaction.
She didn’t so much as blink. “Then I’m thinking you must have had a pretty good reason,” she said softly, her hold on his hands never loosening.
For a moment he was completely robbed of speech as he stared at her in astonishment.
“Tell me, Silas,” she gently prompted. “Tell me why you killed them.”
“They were abusive. Obsessed with money, though neither of them ever worked a day in their lives. One night when I was nine years old I was hiding in one of the bedrooms, as usual, while my parents were throwing one of their parties where the goal was to get as drunk and as high as possible and then be hungover for days after. Though I feared the parties, I actually looked forward to the aftermath, when my parents would be too strung out and hungover to even notice me. Those were the only times I wasn’t subjected to their abuse. Any other time I was their outlet for their frustration with their own pathetic, miserable existences.”
Hayley made a sound of distress but said nothing. Her only other reaction was the instant tightening of her hands around his. He couldn’t bear to look at her, to see the sympathy and compassion shining in her eyes.
“So there I was, cowering under a bed, only aware of the sounds and smells of sex, alcohol, drugs and the too-loud music that always blared through the piece-of-shit house my parents had found abandoned and moved into. One of the men they were partying with stumbled into the bedroom just as I had decided to risk leaving my hiding place and escaping out a window because things were getting bad, much worse than usual, and I just wanted to escape.
“When I saw the way he looked at me, I knew something was verywrong. I was so scared that I was frozen in place, unable to move, much less run. At that moment my fear was as strong as the hatred I had for my parents, their constant abuse, their nightly parties, the never-ending uncertainty I lived with. He dragged me to the middle of the room, shoved me to my knees and unzipped his pants. I was so terrified and shocked that I didn’t even fight him. But when he squeezed my jaw so hard I thought it was going to break to make me open my mouth and then shoved his dick down my throat, I went crazy. I bit him...”
Silas broke off, the memories of that night crashing over him, battering his senses. God, he hadn’t thought about that night in years. Hadn’t allowed himself to. He chanced a look at Hayley and flinched when he saw tears rolling down her cheeks. He shuddered, determined to get it all out and then deal with the consequences.
“When I bit him, he hit me so hard I almost passed out. Then he pulled a gun I hadn’t even noticed he had on him and put it to my head. He gave me two choices.”
The shame was suddenly as sharp as it had been that night, and Silas couldn’t go on. His throat was closing in on him, rendering him incapable of speech. Then Hayley leaned forward, burying her face in his neck, the warmth of her tears on his skin as she pressed soothing kisses against the side of his neck. Feeding on her strength and loving support, he sucked in several breaths to steady his frayed nerves and forged ahead, knowing it was best to get it over with and not delay the inevitable.
“He told me I could suck him off or he’d blow my fucking brains out.”
“Oh Silas, no!” Hayley said in a stricken voice as she lifted her head from his neck.
