I frown at Eris. “Do what?”
“Be your fake hot piece of ass for the wedding,” ze says, like it’s not the most ridiculous idea that has ever left zis mouth.
My face steels into an impassive half smile. I do not want to offend Eris. But no one would ever believe that I’d be into zim. “Uh…I don’t think that’ll work.”
“Why not? I know I’m way cooler than you, but you’re notthatbad-looking,” ze says.
I can’t tell if ze’s teasing, but no one laughs.
Dream smacks zim. “Be nice, fuckface!”
So Eris wasn’t teasing. Great. Good to know I’m not just a nerd, I’m an ugly nerd.
“I was just kidding, chill out!” Eris rubs zis arm. “Yeah, Blake’s all right or whatever, if you’re into that deer in the headlights look. I just thought it’d be fun to crash a wedding and fuck with a bunch of uptight white people. I assume everyone’s white, right?” ze asks me.
I nod. “Pretty much.”
“And like, not KKK white, or call-ICE-even-though-I’m-from-Texas white, right?” Eris asks, that marred eyebrow raised into a point. “That would make this plan significantly less fun.”
“No!” I pause, mentally running through the members of Allie’s extended family. “Yeah, no. There’s some religious people, but they usually ignore my existence.”
“Sweet. Let’s fucking go, bro!” Eris extends zis fist expectantly across the table.
“You’re just not…” Staring blankly at the “odio” tattooed across zis knuckles, I gape, searching for an explanation thatwon’t make me sound like a horrible person. But no, as far as Eris is concerned, I’m an ugly nerdandan asshole; I might as well embrace it. If I can be myself around anyone, it’s Eris. “You’re not exactly who I’d bring home to convince people that I’m doing okay.”
Eris drops zis fist, and for a split second, I hate that I’ve disappointed zim. But Eris just claps, letting out that high-pitched cackle. “Exactly. We can confuse them!”
I blink, confused myself.
“This is your chance to fuck with the uptight people who want you to be small and quiet. Bringing home a short, hairy, chubby genderfuck weirdo and acting like you traded up from your golden boy next door is going to fuck with their minds, dude! And if your best friends are really your friends, they’ll be happy you’re happy, so don’t worry about them.” Eris gestures for my phone. “Let me give you my number. Text me the deets, and you can have some fun lying to the people you let walk all over you.”
“I don’t let them walk all over me.” For some reason I can’t explain beyond sheer desperation, I pass zim my phone.
Eris raises zis eyebrow with the scar, stark white against zis tan skin and the dark brown of zis thick brows. “You barely put up a fight againstmejust now, and you don’t even like me.”
A tiny intake of breath comes from the otherwise silent Stella, a sign that they have gathered their courage. We all turn to them, waiting. I’m relieved I don’t have to pretend to like Eris for the sake of propriety.
“Happiness isn’t found in other people,” Stella says, their thin voice wavering. Their deep brown eyes are thoughtful as they look at me and Eris in turn. “It’s created by appreciating the beauty in front of you.”
For some reason, everyone but Eris and I laugh. Eris chucks a crumpled-up napkin at Stella, who bats it away, still wearing ashy smile. I roll my eyes. Honestly, that’s too far even for Eris, made especially rude considering how rarely Stella talks.
But before I can call zim out on zis bullshit, the show starts. The speakers blasting “We Found Love” by Rihanna drowns out anything else the sage Stella might have mustered.
Three
Bambi
Sprawledonthecouchin my small, messy shithole of an apartment, I accept that I’m too tipsy to study. Chugging that many mimosas was very shortsighted; not only is my mouth sticky from maple syrup and cheap champagne, but my afternoon study block is wasted. Just like me. Whose genius idea was it to study after brunch, anyway?
In a rare break from the carefully planned study schedule that lets me feel in control of my loneliness, I don’t open my laptop. Instead, I grab my phone, ignoring the new messages from my parents, Matt, and Allie—all asking if I got the invite. With how much my head is spinning, I’d probably say some impulsive shit and find myself in a worse situation than I’m already in. I’ll respond to those when I’m sober. Once I’ve figured out what I want to do.
Talking it out over brunch made it clear that Iwantto go to the wedding. I want to see Matt and Allie cute and happy. I want their friends who think I should disappear quietly to know I can be in their life. Just in a new, uncomfortable, but still lovingway. And (this is very unkind of me) I really want to see Matt’s parents and Allie’s bitchy sister eat shit when I show up.
But preferably not with Eris, so I open one of the dating apps I frequent. And by frequent, I mean look at profiles, perhaps match with someone who seems nice, then never reply to their messages. Because Adrienne was right; finding time to date in law school is hard. But also, I’ve never dated. Never expected I’d have to learn. So I have no idea what I’m doing.
Matt and I just happened. Since preschool, we were best friends and constant companions. Then, the summer before we started high school, I got hit by a truck. After that, everything was different between us. We’d been crushing on each other since puberty erupted, unsure what to do with the confusing feelings and urges, but a near-death experience really amped up the hormones. Neither of us cared to pretend we weren’t each other’s person after I almost died. We were each other’s first kiss in my hospital bed, and by the time I was discharged a month later, more than one nurse had walked in on us making out.
Dating apps are all so intimidating in comparison. Swiping through the hot single queers in my area, I read profile after profile, ferreting out excuses why it wouldn’t work. Finding a fake date is no less terrifying than a real one. I’m sure it requires me to message someone, but what do I say? How do I know that I can trust them enough to drive six hours to a small-ass town, two states away? Or convince them to trust me? What if they’re annoying, and I have to be fake aroundthemthe whole weekend too?
