“What’s in September?” I ask.
“When Blake’s lease is up?” Linda prompts. “Are you two going to do long-distance when they move back, or something?” She trails off.
Oh wow, Blake really did not even hint to their mom they were staying. Stomach sinking, I glance at Blake, who is staring at the table like they’re actively wishing for a hole in the floor to open up and swallow them. I don’t know what I expected, given what fucking doormat Blake can be. Still, the disappointment stings as it leaks into the cracks formed by insecurity. Shouldn’t they be excited about this? About their future here? With me?
However, Blake asked for my help to push the conversation, and this is the chance they wanted to clear the air. I can set my hurt aside and freak out for later when I’m alone. “Uh…I think Blake might be the one to answer that question,” I mutter, prompting Blake with a squeeze of their thigh under my hand.
“Blake?” Linda asks, cocking her head. “Anything to share?”
Eyes wide, Matt looks like he’s about to interrupt again, change the subject. I shake my head, jaw tight. This is something Blake wants to tell their parents today. This is their opportunity. So why aren’t they saying anything? I swallow hard, mouth dry. Blake just sits there, expressionless.
Allie looks from Blake to me, giving me an encouraging smile.“Still waters,”she mouths, a reminder of the conversation we had in the bridal suite last month. We were hiding together so she could vent about everything weighing on her, and askme everything about my relationship with Blake. Blake and I were supposed to be faking a history that didn’t exist, but I never bothered to keep up the pretense with Allie. Somehow, I could tell she’d know I was lying, so I just told her everything. Including many things I hadn’t told Blake yet.
She wasn’t surprised, because Blake is a terrible liar, and I obviously had feelings for them (obvious to everyone but Blake, anyway).They’re someone who hides everything, internalizes it, and only a privileged few get to witness the real Blake. Allie warned me then, that if I was going to stick around, I should know how special they were, and treat them accordingly, be someone they could trust to open up around.
Until a month ago, Blake hadn’t had someone like that since they moved to Chicago. Blake lost that trust in their parents when they pushed them to fit in, instead of be themself in high school. They lost that trust in Matt when he broke up with them, and in Allie when she asked if Blake would be mad if something happened between her and Matt. Blake never blamed any of them, never held any anger or bitterness against them, because Blake is understanding and loyal. And, according to Allie, because they never know what the fuck they’re feeling until the pain has healed.
Everything Allie told me that afternoon was true. Blake is so bright, so full of life, but only when it’s just us. They’re getting more open around our friends in private, but not to the degree of when we’re alone together.“Still waters run deep with Blake,” Allie had said. The calmer they are, the more they’re freaking out. When they’re overwhelmed, they shut down.
I haven’t seen that quiet, reclusive version of Blake since their argument with Jessica at the rehearsal dinner. Since the polite walls between us broke completely, and we saw each other for who we were, what we wanted. We’ve seen each other’smeltdowns and freak outs, and we’ve worked through them together.
The blank person next to me, with the polite mask as they mull over an answer is not okay. Blake needs more than me at their side—they need to trust I have their back. And I have to trust they have mine, because I’m freaking out too, panicking that they’re taking so long to answer this simple question, with a prepared answer they were practicing on the train ride over. I’m terrified they’re taking so long because they’re working up the courage to say they’re moving back, that they might choose to leave me.
I have to trust they won’t.
I pull Blake’s hand from where it’s clenched on top of their knees, working my thumb under their fingers to press against their palm.
Fist slowly unclenching in my hands, Blake takes a deep breath, then another. Looking at the table, they blurt out, “I haven’t gotten to explore the city yet. And I have an appointment with a gender therapist who can help me start HRT. And with work— Oh, I start my new job on Monday! I guess, I just…” Blake trails off when they look up at their mom for her approval, but Linda simply nods for them to finish. “I want to stay. I’m staying. I’ll be happier staying.” Their eyes flick to me, and the slightest blush blooms on their cheeks as they lace their fingers with mine. “Oh, and Eris and I have only been together for a month, since the wedding. I lied to Matt and Allie about seeing someone here, and Eris helped me cover my ass by pretending to be my partner, and we just decided to keep being partners for real.” They smile at me. It’s quiet, just a slight curve of their petal pink lips, but a real smile all the same. “Did I get them all? My orgasms?”
A laugh escapes me, and I’m too relieved to see a hint of the real Blake to care that their mother just heard that. “Yeah,Bambi, you got them all. We’ll settle up later, though. In private.”
“Fuck,” Blake bangs their head on my shoulder. “I said all of that the wrong way.”
“It was perfect,” I squeeze their hand. “You’re perfect, Bambi.”
“Well!” Linda sighs loudly, politely ignoring any references to orgasms. “So much to take in all at once, but it sounds like you’ve got everything under control, and you’ve put a lot of thought into this!” She smiles at the server, who finally brings us the bottles of wine Blake ordered. “Excuse me, dear? Can you also bring a bottle of champagne? We have so much to celebrate!”
“Tell us all about your new job!” Allie prompts Blake, even though she’s fully aware of what Blake’s job is.
“I’ll be a junior associate at an environmental law firm,” Blake says, directing it to their mom. “They specialize in environmental policy.”
“Oh, Blakey-poo!” Linda beams. She pats Michael’s arm, who takes an earplug out. “Blake got a job here in Chicago. They’ll be working at an environmental law firm, starting Monday!”
“Oh! That’s great! I was wondering what the plan was.” Michael smiles, nodding approvingly. His smile is just like Blake’s, a little awkward and unsure, but so bright and genuine. “I’m proud of you, kiddo!”
Blake relaxes, leaning against my arm. “Thanks, Dad.”
A weird pressure forms in my chest as I watch this awkward ass family connect in their own awkward ass way. Blake’s parents remind me of my own, a bit, except my parents are much cooler. Heartless assholes, like I try so hard to emulate, but effortlessly confident and social. My mother was also exacting and demanding, but where Mom was inflexible in her expectations, Linda seems to simply want the best for her family. Dad was just as distant as Michael, but I don’t think I ever heardhim say he was proud of me. If he did, it never came so easily as Michael’s approval just now.
It’s hard to know what Linda and Michael might think of me, with everything that comes with being the alt genderfuck baddie that I am, but I hope they like me. I’m sure Michael is more engaging when he’s not tired and overstimulated. And when we’re more comfortable with each other, Linda and I will have many interesting debates ahead of us. She’s the only other person at this table who doesn’t seem to break out in hives at the thought of conflict, anyway.
The server returns with a bottle of champagne and a tray of glasses. Matt passes the glasses around the table to us as he fills them. “What are we toasting to?” he asks.
“To your wedding, for one!” Linda waves her glass between Matt and Allie. “To my beloved child graduating from law school, and passing the bar—”
“I don’t get my results until October,” Blake starts, but I cut them off with a groan.
“Bambi, you literally said it was easier than you were expecting,” I huff.
