“We’ve had a running bet going for almost two years, and I won every time up until now. They were sure you’d work up the courage by the time we got back, but I thought I terrified you too much the first time you asked that there was no way!”
I scoff. “I was not terrified! You said it was none of my fucking business, so I was minding my own fucking business, and now I feel like I’m allowed in your fucking business.”
Eris laughs. “I love fucking with you, dude. You take everything so literally, it’s hilarious. Adrienne was so pissed, she thought I’d scared you off.”
I roll my eyes. “Are you gonna answer the question or not?”
“Yeah, yeah, chill out.” Eris merges into the left lane to pass a semi. “I started using they them back in college, but my friendsall said it was too confusing because of the ‘they is plural’ bullshit and never bothered. And they them didn’t really fit me either.” Eris pats my thigh. “No offense, but they them is too…quiet for me. I present fem, but I’m also masc, and I’m obnoxious and loud, and I love that about me. I don’t want to be anything inauthentically me, and my body is part of who I am, and I don’t want to change it. That’s why I stay hairy and don’t pitch up my voice or anything.” Eris pauses, then adds, “You and Stella, you both blend in better. Not saying that you’re any less you or anything, but the way you express yourself is more accepted than mine.”
I nod, because that’s part of the reason I find Eris so interesting. Zis unabashed, stubborn pride in zimself has always made me envious. Even though I am not naturally a loud person, I aspire to zis confidence in rocking the boat.
“Anyway, I lost the bullshit friends, and I tried out different neopronouns instead that reflect me better. Like, most people look at me and see a man in a dress and makeup.”
“You’re not a man in a dress,” I murmur, tracing the back of zis fingers on my thigh. “You’re Eris.”
Eris shoots me a grin, squeezing my thigh, and my heart thumps in my chest. “I appreciate thatyoudon’t see me that way. But that doesn’t change that most people do, and I can’t control anyone’s perception but my own. So if I get to fuck with their idea of what men look like, so be it. I’ve learned to embrace that and take pride in that, so ze zim zis fits where I’m at right now. My masculinity has been zhuzhed up into something unrecognizable that makes people uncomfortable, and I love that.”
The rest of the drive continues like that, sharing all the things we want to know about each other, flirting through roasting each other, and exchanging smiles. By the time Eris pulls into the parking lot of the dispensary, where ze lives in an apartmentupstairs, my cheeks ache from laughing, but my heart is in my stomach. I don’t want the “now” to end, and the “after” to begin. I’m quietly terrified that Eris will withdraw, pretend this weekend never happened to protect zis heart.
But I need to find out what “after” looks like if ze doesn’t.
So after I help Eris get zis bags out of the back, I pull zim close into a hug before ze can withdraw and hide inside. “Thank you for everything, Eris.”
“You, too, Blake.” Patting my back, Eris tries to step away. But I cling tight, counting to five under my breath. “What are you doing?” ze asks.
“Waiting until we’ve been home for longer than five seconds before asking you out.”
To my delight, Eris cackles. “Goddammit, you take everything so literally.”
“Yeah, aspiring lawyer, remember?” I tease.
Eris huffs and pulls me tight against zim. The tote bags bang against my knees as ze rises on zis tiptoes to kiss me, lips crushing against mine. “It’s so fucking annoying, Bambi.”
“You like it.” I grin and kiss zim back.
“Ugh, just lock your damn car.” Handing me the bags, Eris waits until my car beeps to pick me up and carry me into zis building. My laugh comes out as a squeal as I wrap my legs around zis waist and cling to zim harder than ever.
Eris can pretend to be annoyed all ze wants, but I see how the star field scattered across zis cheeks flushes. The way those doe eyes widen when I kiss zis cheek. The smirk highlighted by those snakebite scars before ze presses zis lips against mine. I see through Eris, just like ze sees through me.
Ze was just as scared as me, scared I’d forget everything we’ve shared this weekend and revert to the lost recluse I’ve been for the past two years.
But I’m done shaping my life around everyone else. No more people-pleasing, no more letting anyone make my decisions, even out of spite. I have to live my life for me, all-encompassing and unshrinkable and unapologetic.
More than anything, I want to prove to Eris that I meant every word last night: I’m not going anywhere, whatever our future holds. I want to break free of the cluttered gloom of my life, for Eris to show me the friendship and laughter, warmth and love I’ve been missing out on. I want to leave behind the spiteful shell I’ve planted myself in, step into the sun, and see what blooms from these petty roots.
Epilogue
Eris
BlakeRyanissucha fucking nerd.
They had all week to clean their apartment—three hundred square feet of clutter. The whole month really, ever since they confirmed that their parents, Matt, and Allie were all coming down for a visit. Blake took the bar last week, and they start work at their new job on Monday; they finally invited their loved ones to visit when they’d have a few days to decompress and relax, but before they get busy with work.
Basically, my grumpy, messy, stressed out Bambi has hadsomuch time to tidy up.
And yet, as I’m getting ready to go out to eat in the bathroom, Blake starts panic-cleaning their apartment—a mere hour before we’re supposed to leave—just in case everyone else asks to come visit after dinner. Even though we’re meeting everyone at some pizza place in the Loop, a half hour away by train, and they just got into town today.
“Bro, even if they ask to come, you can say no. You know that, right?” I shove my makeup bag and work clothes into my totebag on the couch. My blue maxi dress is a little wrinkled after spending all day crumpled up next to my water bottle and keys, but I’ll still probably look more presentable than Blake. This dress is cute as fuck on me too, even with the wrinkles. “You just took the bar a week ago. That’s the perfect excuse to get out of giving them the grand tour.”
