Another sigh as I keep my eyes forward. “A snail.”
“Bambi, what the fuck?” Eris’s laugh is delighted. “A snail? That’s amazing!”
“They’re really interesting, okay?” My huff is defensive. “They are biologically—as in Capital B Biology the science—bisexual, so they’re both male and female. Also, they’re cute, and they have eyestalks, and a spiral shell, and penisesandvaginas, and they stab each other during foreplay, and I think they’re just really neat.”
Eris laughs the whole time I ramble, eventually pulling up the hem of zis dress with our joined hands to show me (a frankly hideous) cartoon snail on zis thigh. Zis leg hair is coarse on the back of my knuckles as I graze Eris’s bare skin, and I’m curious what it’d feel like under my fingertips. “I did this one as practice for my linework when I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.”
That spiral doesnotfollow the Fibonacci ratio, and the eyes arebetweenthe upper and lower tentacles. I frown, because that is my pet peeve; the whole point of the upper tentacles is the eyestalks. “That’s…cute.” I turn back to the road so ze can’tsee my judgmental expression (and to remove any temptation to touch it). My snail lookswaybetter than that.
“Matt ever come on yours?”
“Excuse me?!” I cough.
“You know, the slime. ‘Cause it’s a snail. He ever pull out during backshots and just paint the shit out of it? Turn that thing into a toaster strudel?”
My whole body burns. “No!”
“Shame. That’s the fun of a tramp stamp! Waste of a weird tattoo.” I refuse to look away from the road, but I know Eris is wearing that shit-eating smirk. “So, Bambi, tell me about your relationship with Matt. How you got together, why you broke up, your unhealthy codependent friendship now, the freaky shit y’all used to do together. All of it.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Do I have to?”
“Of course not,” Eris murmurs, then adds, “Look, from what you’ve said, he’s a tall Adonis with a heart of gold. He’s going to wonder why you think I’m an upgrade, so give me something to keep up my sleeve when he tries to intimidate me.”
“He wouldn’t do that,” I scoff.
“He wouldn’t do that toyou!” Eris snarks back, then softens. “I’m not weaponizing your relationship, just wanna know what I’m walking into.”
I huff because I want Eris to be wrong, but ze isn’t. “Fine. We grew up next door to each other, high school sweethearts, stayed together in college. Broke up because he didn’t want to do long distance. He was and always will be my best friend, and he fell in love with my other best friend after I left, so now they are still my best friends. Just…more of a unit.”
“Those arefacts, Bambi. This is the shit I was talking about.” Eris tsks. “Open up a little. Give me yourfeelings, your hopes and dreams, your fears and regrets.”
“Gross,” I grumble, glaring at the road. “Matt had quieter dreams than I did.”
“Good, that’s a nice start. Elaborate.” Eris waves our joined hands expectantly.
“Like I said, he’s someone who doesn’t see the grass on the other side as greener because he’s always excited to water his own grass.” I hesitate, but push myself to keep talking, to get to the feelings Eris won’t stop asking for. “The issue was thatIwanted flowers, for both of us, and Allie. And not just a little garden, I wanted fields of wildflowers. For me, and him, and her, and for us, and I pushed him to dream more.” I sigh. “Turns out, he was never a dreamer, but he respected my dreams more than I did. When I got cold feet about leaving, he broke up with me so he wouldn’t hold me back. Told me to spread my gay little wings and move to Chicago and go save the world.” I clench my jaw. I hate talking about this, because howdareMatt make that decision for me?
And why could I not make that decision for myself?
After the accident, I was filled with determination to live life to the fullest, to not miss a moment, to make all my dreams come true. But other than Matt, no one else wanted me to live it. Everyone in Solberg, including my parents, insisted on keeping me safe, fencing in all my ambition under the guise of protection. I let them mow me down. Applying to law school was a seed burst from a moment of anger, fortunate to sprout in my simmering resentment. Only Matt watered it, even when I was ready to let it wither.
“Did you know he was in love with Allie?” Eris asks.
I shook my head. “I don’t think he was, not yet. She was in love with him, though she never admitted it. When he broke up with me, I left right away because a clean break would let them figure their shit out sooner. They deserve each other, and Allie only had a three-month internship before she ran out of excuses to stay,and this was her chance for a happier life than she would have if she moved back in with her family.”
Eris sits silently before quietly asking, “Did they know you’re in love with her, too?”
“I’m not.” I shake my head, unwilling to ask how ze figured out a secret I never shared with anyone, one I’ve barely admitted to myself. Even in the throes of my guilt and confusion about the girl who stole my heart freshman year, when it was supposed to belong to Matt and Matt alone. “Not anymore, anyway. I love them both, but I’m no longer in love with either of them. When Matt and I were still together, I hinted at it sometimes. But Matt is built for monogamy, and Allie is too straight to consider me a possibility.”
Eris hums sympathetically. “This is the most tragic love triangle. You want a triad, but they form a line without you.”
I laugh, and it sounds wetter than I want. But Eris’s thumb swipes over my knuckles again, and the ache in my chest eases. “Exactly. But I’ve had two years to process it, and trips home during breaks, so we’ve hung out enough to get comfortable again. I am genuinely happy for them, and they still love me, just in a new way.”
Eris’s hum sounds strangely like my mother’s when she’s about to change the subject. “So, how was the sex, then? Missionary, no talking? Did he give trash head? Try to stick it in the back without prep and pretend it was an accident?”
“What the fuck, Eris?” I laugh, relieved to lighten the mood. “It was fine!”
“Fine?”
