“Elijah, I’m going to be honest,” she says, and I laugh.
“I would hope so.”
“I think it’s love at first sight.”
“What?” I nearly drop my phone.
“You can’t say it’s not; you don’t even know what love feels like.” She’s got me there. “I genuinely think something in you knows, and you’re overwhelmed because you’ve never felt this before.”
“That sounds batshit crazy, you know that right?” I ask her.
Carrie chuckles, and I soak in the sound, the familiarity of it.“So does having a brother who’s never felt love or hate.”
“Good point.” After a moment of silence, I speak again. “I have to see him again. I’m interviewing him for the paper.”
“Oh! You should feel out the vibe, maybe go on a date. I really think you should pursue this, all things considered.”
“But…” I release a loud, long breath. “These feelings kind of hurt. And they’re terrifying.”
To this, Carrie laughs again. And when she speaks, her voice is soft and placating.“Love normally is.”
Chapter Ten
Rowan
The moon is revealing my frantic movements from where the curtains are pulled open. It’s late Saturday night, or technically 3 a.m. Sunday, and I’m scribbling frantically in my notebook.
I’ve just awoken from a dream of Benjamin and me. It’s a dream I’ve had plenty of times before, but this time it was sharper. It was far more intense, vivid, and emotional.
Perhaps, I think, because of Elijah.
This dream is of the first time I tell Benjamin I love him. He’s lying beneath me, hysterical and in tears. I can’t quite pinpoint what he’s so upset about, but I know I’ve caused it. I have him pinned under me as I straddle his hips, and he’s trying his hardest to push me away.
But I’m stronger. I’ve always been stronger than him.
“I’ve loved you since I was seventeen.”
“Stop it, Aaron.”
This is the first time I’ve heard it.Aaron. The dream normally skips over that part, leaving that detail unrevealed.
I’m desperate for him to listen to me, and Benjamin is throwing punch after punch to force me away from him.
But I can see it there on his face: he doesn’t hate my affection; he’s terrified of it. Of what it means and what it’ll do to him.
“Button, tell me. Tell me you’re in love with me too; that all this time we’ve been coming back to each other over and over wasn’t just because I can’t live without you, but you can’t live withoutme.”
“I have always loved you. I will never love anyone else the way I love you. With this kind of devotion.”
And I’m crying and grasping onto him with everything I have. Other words are spoken, but I can’t quite reach them. I can’t quite make them out over the beating of my own heart and the force of my own cries.
Then I’m kissing him, pulling him on top of me, and relishing in the weight of his naked body over mine.
“Benjamin, let me take care of you. Let me love you.”
“Okay. Okay, my Aaron. My darling God.”
As if he thinks that highly of me. His eyes tell me I give him the very oxygen he breathes.
