“I’m good.” I slammed down a pile of wood.
“Knox, don’t keep things from me. You’re my best friend; I’m here for you to talk to about all of this.”
“Ha!” I let out a sarcastic laugh. “You have a lot of nerve talking about keeping things from each other.”
“Whoa. Knox.” He put his hands up in front of his chest. “Let’s talk about this. I know a lot has happened.”
“Talk to you? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you how I’m pissed that you had Birdie come here for your competition, putting her off limits for me? How I’m pissed that she kept choosing you over and over again? Do you want to hear how I tried so hard not to fall in love with her and keep boundaries up because she was courting you, yet I still slept with her and the guilt ate away at me, all to find out that you were behind the scenes setting us up? How about we talk about how you wouldn’t be upfront with me about having zero feelings for her, yet you kept on like you did, like she was a frontrunner. Is that what you want to hear?” I took a deep inhale, catching my breath, hoping my heart would slow down.
I threw one last log onto the pile, silence and tension filling the room.
“Yeah. Let’s talk about all of that.” Oliver took his coat off and hung it on a hook on the wall. “I came here to apologize to you.”
“What?” I said, looking up from my worktable.
“I should have been upfront with what I was doing. I knew after the palace walk-around that there wasn’t a spark with Birdie and me. And the day that we spent at the school, I saw the way you kept looking at her while she was playing with the kids, especially Archer.”
He walked over to the miniature refrigerator in the corner, opened the door, and grabbed a soda. He walked back over to my worktable and took a seat on the extra stool, opening the bottle and taking a long swig.
“I finally knew that both of you were into each other the night of the auction. You should have seen the way her entire demeanor changed when you walked in with Gram. It’s like she came alive—she couldn’t stop smiling. She had completely checked out of the conversation that we had been having to watch you walk down those stairs, mate. But when Gram was telling the story about her and Granddad, she kept looking at you with guilt in her eyes. That’s when I knew that you two needed some time together to sort your shit out. I had planned on making a donation to the community gardens anyway, so I used the opportunity to bid for you on Birdie’s behalf.”
My exasperation got the best of me, and I hit the worktable, shaking the tools that hung against the wall.
“Damn it, Oliver! You should have just been upfront about it all instead of trying to be some matchmaker behind the scenes.”
“I know!” he yelled back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t, butyou weren’t either, Knox. You should have told me about your feelings for her. I would have stepped aside.”
I knew he was right, but I had been trying to put him first. I always put him first. I always did what was best for everyone around me. If they could have made it right and worked it out, I would have stepped aside. I would have done that for him. “You’re my best friend. I didn’t want to do that to you. I didn’t want to jeopardize the competition.”
“Yeah, and I’myourbest friend,” he said, exasperated, “which is why you should have told me. There are plenty of other women who I could choose from. If you had feelings for her, you should have told me. It would have saved you a lot of guilt and heartache, mate.”
“She didn’t choose me. She chose you and being here for you over me. I wasn’t enough.” I wiped down the carving knife I had been cleaning and hung it up on the wall along with the other knives.
“What do you mean you’re not enough? You don’t believe that.”
“Why wouldn’t I believe that? It’s the truth. For years I’ve watched as people have bypassed me to get to you and Xavier. I’ve watched as you’ve had your pick of dates and parties and women. I’ve always preferred to stay out of the spotlight, and it never bothered me until Birdie came along. But I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough for her to choose me over you. I wasn’t enough to make her stay.”
“Knox,” Oliver said, his voice softening. “Look at me, mate.”
I set the screwdriver I had been fiddling with down and looked at my brother. His gray eyes were full of emotion. I was unsure if it was hurt or pity.
“You’re more than enough. And I’m sorry that you’ve ever felt like you aren’t. I couldn’t do life without you, Knox. You’rethe only person who has ever seen me as a person first and not just a prince. You’ve never treated me any differently, and I’m so sorry if I’ve ever made you feel less than. You’ve given everything you have to me and my family. You give your time, your loyalty, and your love to us, and I’m sorry if you have ever felt that wasn’t returned.”
“Look,” I took a deep breath, shaking my head. “I’m the one who should be sorry. You and your family have been nothing but good to me. You’re the family that I was given when I lost mine, and I don’t want you to think I’ve taken that for granted or I’m ungrateful for you.”
“I’ve never thought that for a moment.”
“I’m sorry for going behind your back with Birdie and not being honest about my feelings.”
“Maybe we should make a therapy appointment to work on our communication skills.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that comment. When Oliver and I were fifteen years old and Xavier had just turned eighteen, Leroy and Isobel had called in Dr. Sanchez to talk to us about the importance of communication and consent when we were with women. It was essentially a huge sex talk that included how to communicate with your partner and voice your own needs. It’s where I learned about the “enthusiastic yes” rule.
Oliver and I had laughed about it for years. We had never heard of anyone else having the “birds and bees” talk with a licensed therapist, complete with charts and graphs. Most of our peers would have been horrified to have to sit with two other guys and listen to your parents talk about sex, but Oliver and I just ran with it and made jokes about always having a clear line of communication open.
Yet he wasn’t wrong when he said that we should make an appointment with Dr. Sanchez. I knew I could probablybenefit from talking about everything going on right now. I had thought that I had sorted out my problems with my self-worth when my parents passed, but clearly I needed a refresher on that—and on voicing my needs.
“I do think you’re right. I’ll make an appointment. All of this has fucked me up more than I realized,” I admitted. “I’m sorry for unloading on you. And I’m sorry for hiding everything from you. I thought I was protecting you.”
