She stood on the other side of the small building, running one hand along the leaves of a beautiful blooming bush lily. The other arm held her white wool coat. I couldn’t help but stand in silence and watch her. She always took my breath away.
Her white gown stood in stark contrast against the greenery of the greenhouse. She was like a lighthouse, and I was a ship lost at sea, looking for a way home. How was it thatno matter how hard I tried to push these feelings away, each time I thought about her, they came back tenfold?
I found my feet walking closer to her. She was clearly caught up in her own thoughts and I knew I should probably announce myself, but I was mesmerized by the way she fingered the leaf through her gloved hands. I watched the way her breasts slowly rose with each breath and her eyes danced back and forth to each petal of the flower. I lived for the moments that I caught her lost in thought. Her features tended to soften, allowing the full range of her emotions to show, not just the smiling face she put on for everyone.
Caught up in watching Birdie, my shoe scratched the pavement and startled her. She dropped her coat to the ground and let out a high-pitched squeal.
“Holy shit, Knox!” she yelled.
“I’m sorry.” I put my hands up in surrender. “I saw you walk in here and I was just seeing if you were all right.”
“I mean, I’m having a heart attack at the moment, so no, I’m not all right.”
“I’m sorry. I should have said something when I walked inside.”
“You think?”
“Here.” I bent down to pick up her coat and dust it off. “What are you doing all the way back here?”
“I took a walk to clear my head. Then I got lost and I was really freaking cold. When I saw the greenhouse, I thought this would be a good place to warm up before I started to try and find my way back.”
“Fair enough.”
“What are you doing here?” she asked, her tone clipped.
“Charles, the Thornes’ landscaper, was showing me around. When I saw you come in here, I wanted to check on you.”
“Well, I don’t need to be checked up on, okay? I don’t need some knight in shining armor to come save me and make all my choices for me. I can take care of myself and make my own decisions, okay?”
I held up my hands, taking a step back. “Whoa.”
She let out a huff and then started pacing back and forth in front of me.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“What’s up? Clearly, something is bothering you if you needed to take a walk and then…whatever that was.” I waved my hand in her direction.
“This is all starting to just become too much. When Queen Mother Evelyn told that story tonight, all I could think was that this woman is a badass. And then she talked about how Queen Isobel is this great counterpart to King Leroy and helps him. I can’t be that, I can’t do that.” Her voice rose. “Then Oliver and I were talking, and he was telling me about the country tour that he would take after the wedding and all of the coronation events. It’s just a lot!”
My heart cracked witnessing anxiety take over her usually convivial demeanor.How much else is she hiding from the world?“Just take a breath. I think you’re thinking too far into the future right now.”
“And you’re not thinking far enough into the future! I have weeks—weeks,Knox—to decide whether I can move forward with all of this, okay? You don’t understand what kind of pressure that puts me under.”
I did understand the pressure, more than she knew. Oliver wanted me to dedicate the rest of my life to serving at his side, to being his stand-in when he couldn’t be there. It was different but also the same.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know the exact stress you’re under. It’s a big decision that you have to make. You wouldhave to leave your country, your family, your friends to move here and marry Oliver.”
“Yeah!”
“But is he worth it? Is he worth all of this? Is this what you want?” I waved my hand around and then looked at her, really observing her. A slight sheen of sweat was forming along her hairline. “Only you can answer that question.”
She stopped pacing and looked at me like she was dissecting every word I had just said. She cleared her throat and plastered a tense smile on her face. “I think we should probably get back. They’re going to be announcing the winning bids soon.”
“Yeah.” I looked down at her coat in my hands. I was hoping she would tell me what she was thinking. If I heard from her lips that she was fully in this, and that Oliver was it for her, I could put these thoughts and wants to rest once and for all. I needed to hear her say it. But the way she had just masked her emotions told me I wouldn’t be getting my wish tonight.
“Here. Let me help you put your coat on and I’ll walk you back up.” I moved closer and held open the white wool coat.
“Thank you. For everything.” She gave me a soft smile that didn’t reach her eyes. The closer she walked to me, the more her signature scent of lavender and vanilla filled my nose. As she turned her back to me, flashes of the dream I’d had flitted across my mind. I tried not to think of how little strength it would take to pop the buttons off the back of her white dress.
