Fuck, he’s perfect.
I make the sign of the cross. I used to come to confession as a teen until I started in the family business. After that, I never came back. What was the point? I didn’t believe in God, or the notion that talking to a priest would absolve me of my sins. But for a chance to talk directly to Ewen, I will confess. I’ll tell him all my sins.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It’s been years since my last confession,” I tell him. “I have taken a man’s life this week.”
A scumbag of a man. He was a wannabe pimp, trying to come into our area and hurt the girls who work the streets. I’ll never judge what someone has to do to survive, but I won’t stand for someone smacking around a woman either.
“That is a mortal sin. One of the ten commandments—Thou shall not kill. Why did you do it?”
“Honestly, Father, I’ve taken many lives. And I will continue to do so.”
A thump from his side tells me he dropped something. Probably his Bible. I guess my confession shocked him. Good, let him be scared of me.
“It’s not okay to take lives. Everyone should be allowed to die when it’s their time and be embraced by God’s waiting arms.” His voice sounds strained, like he’s trying to refrain from telling me his true thoughts.
I tsk. “Oh no, every life I’ve taken has entirely deserved it. They weren’t destined for Heaven. They were sinners worse than me.”
“But they could have been absolved of those sins. Brought back to the faith.” He turns toward the screen between us, maybe trying to make out my face or profile. I wore a hoodie with the hood up for this exact reason. I’m not ready for him to see me. “What you did was take the choice away from them. Now they will never have a chance to fully be at peace.”
“Exactly. I don’t want them at peace. They deserved it.”
Silence falls between us. I probably blew his mind with just a few words.
“Tell me Father, what would you have done if an abused woman came to you and told you her pimp was not only beating on her but was also raping her twelve-year-old daughter? And when she went to the police to report it, they didn’t care. They judged her for her life choices and did nothing because they saw her as a lesser human. Would your God not want someone to protect her and her child?”
“He has a plan in life for all of us. Unfortunately, not every story is a good one. Rape is a sin. Just like what you have done. I personally would try to help. I could never sit by, knowing an innocent was being hurt.”
“And that’s why I did it. I ended that bastard’s life. I saved that little girl from a monster. Yes, I know it’s a crime and a sin, but I don’t feel bad for doing it.”
“Have you thought of turning yourself in?”
It takes everything in me to not laugh. I will never do that. “Yeah, not happening. I won’t give up my life for dirtbags.”
“Then why are you telling me this?” he asks, cocking his head to the side.
I can’t tell him it’s because I want to talk to him. To hear his voice. For his words to be directed toward only me. That he is my obsession and has been for the past six years.
“I want my sins erased. I want to be a better man.” Lies, but he doesn’t need to know that.
The little light on his side shows he’s rubbing his rosary. I can also hear the faint sound of them grinding into each other. Probably praying for guidance. But God can’t give the answers when the Devil is here.
“Then let us pray. Give God your penance. Allow me to be His ears and absolve your sins,” he says, clearly trying to do whathe’s trained for. I want to know his true thoughts, though. Does he really believe that God will save everyone?
Being raised Catholic, I know the prayer. I haven’t said it outside of CCD as a kid, but I’ll say it now. For him. To put his mind at ease. But I know they’re just words. Nothing more. They won’t remove what I’ve done or stop me from doing it again. Because I will. I will end more lives. I will protect my family, the organization, and I’ll protecthimwithout his knowledge.
“My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In his name, my God, have mercy.”
He didn’t repeat the prayer out loud with me, but I could see his lips moving, reciting the same prayer.
“Thank you my son for allowing me to be here to hear and remove your sins. God will accept you and absolve you of your sins. Amen. How about you say the Our Father prayer, followed by five Hail Mary’s”
Fuck! This isn’t what I wanted when I came here. I wanted to have a fun, witty conversation. Clearly admitting to murder in a confession booth wasn’t the right way to go about that.
Before I can hear what else he has to say I bolt from the confessional. I don’t know if it’s the prayer or the fact that Ewen suggested I turn myself in, but my emotions are heightened. Maybe it was everything. Other than Ciaran and Shamus, I’ve never talked about my real profession. Even Fiona doesn’t know the full extent.
I’m confused. I need to get away from Ewen and this church. I need to smoke before I do something stupid. Like rushing back in there and taking him.
7
