I never thought I would be this comfortable with any person, let alone my former stalker. But I am. I feel so different with him. Like I’m a true person myself.
His erection jabs into my back and the desire to grind on it is strong. I refrain because I don’t know if I could stop us from recreating the events from last night though I know my body needs a break.
I was afraid I would have doubts come morning, but I have none. Every second of last night was bliss. My thoughts of defying God, of sinning, of everything negative I’ve been told all my life are quiet. Even they don’t question this. I haven’tdone my prayers in days. I haven’t felt anything for church and religion but sorrow. How can something so amazing between people be so forbidden?
Declan stops kissing me when the coffee is done and starts making breakfast before I’ve even brewed my cup. We eat and look at each other. No words are exchanged—just smiles. Our hands tangle together, which makes eating a bit of a struggle, but the thought of not touching makes it worth it.
After breakfast we get out and enjoy the day. The summer is coming to an end, and before we know it, it’ll be winter. The cold, bitter winters I’ve never been a fan of.
Declan shows me things about Boston I didn’t know. The history of buildings, where important events happened, everything about the city I call home. But is it my home? I only came here for college, then was assigned Our Lady of Sorrows as my post. I love the old church, and a small pain starts in my chest at knowing it’ll never be what it once was.
Following hours of walking, talking, and being in the moment we detour through a rose garden. Declan, the forever rule breaker, snaps a bud off one of the bushes. He presents it to me and says, “Here, I can officially say I’ve given you flowers now.”
I laugh. “This is only one flower.”
He goes to break off another rose when I stop him. “Hey, I don’t need more. I love that you gave me a flower.” I grab his wrist and drag him back to me. Holding my rose, I caress his cheek with my other hand, and he nuzzles into me. “Thank you. You and my flower are both beautifully perfect.” I kiss him and try to relay my feelings. I’m not sure exactly what they are, but they are feelings, nonetheless. “Who knew the Reaper could be so sweet.”
We start our walk back to his place and he interlocks our hands. Nothing has ever felt so right. “For you baby, I’ll beanything you need.” We’re just down the block from his house when he stops and turns me so we’re eye to eye. “I’m serious Ewen. I love you and will do anything to make you smile. I’ll even rip the Heavens from the sky just to gift it to you.”
I never thought someone so brutal could be so soft, and for me…only me.
A single tear falls, one I didn’t even know was there. He kisses away the tear and then places a tender kiss on my lips.
“Father?” an older woman’s voice breaks the moment. I freeze, afraid to look. I know who that voice belongs to. Declan must see the terror in my eyes because he moves in front of me, blocking me from her. Like she’s some predator who’s going to attack. I can’t let him fight this. This is on me. I nudge him to the side, stepping forward to greet her. “Hello Mother Helen. How are you?”
The older lady gives me a blank stare. “The sisters and I made you a casserole, and I was bringing it to you. We have missed you, but clearly you’re busy right now.” She shoves the warm dish into my arms and turns to leave.
This isn’t good. She just saw me and Declan kiss. There is no way it could have been anything else. Spinning toward Declan, I hand him the dish and rose. “Take this, I’ll be right back.”
I run after her. “Wait, Helen!”
She stops and angles herself toward me. Her boney finger pokes me hard in the chest “Father, I can’t right now. You—you aren’t the man I thought you to be.” Ouch. Her words hurt, but she’s right. She continues. “A Father is to have no relations with anyone outside his God. Let alone another man.”
“Please listen to me?—”
“No, I’m very sorry Father. I can’t. I trusted you. The congregation trusted you. God trusted you.” She turns but gives me the parting words of death before she leaves. “I have to inform the bishop of this.”
I stand there and stare at her retreating back. A strong hand falls on my shoulder. “Come on baby, let’s go home.”
So many emotions collide into me all at once. I’m barely able to stand with so many things warring inside.
I shrug his hand off me. “I need to go for a walk.”
He moves in front of me, forcing my gaze to his. “Ewen, everything is going to be okay.”
I shake my head, holding back tears of heartbreak. “I need to—to just walk.”
“I’ll walk with you.” He looks at me with sorrowful eyes, but mine carry a deeper grief.
“No, please just give me some space.” My words shatter the sadness in his eyes.
He hugs and kisses me. “Okay baby. I just need you to know I love you. You’re my world now. Just please come back to me.”
I don’t avoid his kiss or embrace, but when he finally lets me go I start walking. With no destination in mind, I walk to try and sort through the chaos in my head.
He says he loves me. I’ve never had another person tell me they love me, not like he does, but is love enough? I think of who I was before I met Declan. He burrowed himself into me. Becoming the thing I dreamed of when I was alone. For a long time, I feared him but somewhere along the way, I began to crave him. He made me feel things I thought I never would. Do I love him? I wasn’t sure when he first said he did. I have only loved God. But why God over Declan? I haven’t felt connected to my faith in a while now. I thought I would become a priest and my life would be complete.
Untilhim.
