I motion for us to continue. I know if we stop or I look him in the eye, I won’t confess. He understands and we carry on with our stroll.
“No, we actually met that night when I was walking home.” My mind fills with the memories. “We met under…unique circumstances.”
“How so?” he asks. I won’t divulge Declan’s second job. I will take those details to my grave.
“We met in an alley. I was pissing behind a dumpster.”
He laughs. “What man pees behind a dumpster? Why didn’t you just go a couple steps in, piss, and make sure it didn’t hit your shoes?”
“A man who wanted to be respectful but still had to piss.” I shove him lightly. “And really? You call me out for hiding myself from possible eyes?” We both laugh at that. “Anyways, we met then. It was an interesting meeting, to say the least.”
Caleb says nothing, just listens. I’m thankful for his silence, so I continue. “That night, I received my first blowjob.”
“Wait, what?! I thought you were a virgin through and through?” He comes to a halt.
I stop walking and turn to look at him. I’m nervous but now that I’ve started talking, I can’t stop. “I was, I mean…I still am. I’ve just done more than a celibate man does.”
“Okay, no sex but plenty of BJs and handies, got it.”
“Not at first. It was just a single, one-sided encounter. I never thought life would bring us back into each other’s lives. I went on with my life. But then I came back to Boston. He would come to confession just to talk to me. I didn’t know it was him at first, but once I figured it out, he pushed his way into my life. Coming to the church to help with the soup kitchen, showing up and attending Mass.”
Caleb puts his hand up and rests it on my shoulder. “That’s why he jumped at the opportunity to come with Fiona and I that day?”
“Yeah.”
“Was that why you looked so agitated?”
I take a sip of my coffee. “Yeah. I was trying to push him away. My mind would become jumbled around him.”
“Jumbled how?” he asks, the doctor in him coming out.
I process my words before I answer. “He made me overthink. But about things I never thought of before.” I’m not going to tell him how even though I know he’s a killer, I understand hisstance. “And he pulls emotions from me I’ve never been able to feel.”
“So, he makes you feel more human than you did before, got it.”
I point with my chin for us to move over to a bench that’s a bit off the path, and he follows. It’s shaded and seems like a good place to be more private. I sit down and he follows.
“I have always been human, you know.”
He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “You are. I’m sorry, that was the wrong term. What I meant was he made you come out of your shell. A shell you’ve worn all your life because you never knew where you really fit.”
“Yes and no. I always thought I wanted to be a priest because the church was the only place that felt right.”
“Okay. Continue.”
I do as instructed. “Declan refused to allow me to hide from him. He pushed until my walls collapsed. I thought I was fine living with those walls. Then…” I stop myself because the images of him almost dying hurt to recall. I really thought he would die that night.
“Then, what? You can’t leave me hanging here.”
I smile because if anyone can break tension, it’s Caleb. “Then he showed up after his attack. That was the first time I felt true fear.”
“You were a mess when that happened. I’ve never seen you so…what’s the right word?” His eyebrows furrow while he ponders it. “Devasted, maybe. Heartbroken is more fitting. I’ve known you for years and I can tell you I was more worried about you than him. I see death and their family. You looked like a grief-stricken mother saying goodbye to her child.”
Turning to look at him, I ask, “I did?”
“You did. That’s why I stayed with him. I needed to help ease your pain somehow. Even if you didn’t know you were in pain.”
“I knew I was in pain. It just took my mind a bit to catch on. I finally admitted to myself that I have feelings for him—feelings I shouldn’t be having.”
