A dark figure appears in my mind. A figure shrouded in shadows and darkness. He steps closer. His eyes are green. Hauntingly beautiful and deadly.
My eyes pop open, looking around to confirm I’m in my shower and not that alley.
Shaking my head, I push away the thought. This is not the time to relive that moment.
Grabbing my loofah and squirting too much bodywash I begin the chore of washing away my day.
The loofah gliding across my body is soothing. Closing my eyes to relax, his green gaze finds mine again. Staring into my soul. I can’t see any part of him but his eyes. All the things I remember of Declan from that night come into focus.
All of it. The way he smelled, talked,touched me.
His knife and the fear of it sliding along my penis. The chill of metal touching me intimately. Everything about that moment was terrifying but oh so exhilarating.
Then his mouth was on me. Savoring me. Bringing me pleasures I had never felt before.
The memories are too much. My cock is hard as stone. Grabbing myself, I begin to stroke up and down. The suds from the soap make the glide easy but it’s not him. Not his hand. Not his mouth.
I refuse to open my eyes though. I’m giving myself this guilty moment to be a man. To rub myself like most do. I can’t allow thoughts of how wrong this is right now.
Tightening my grip, I try to make it feel like his mouth. I thrust and moan, acting like he said I did. The ache starts in my balls, causing them to draw up. My head lulls back, imagining I’m back in that alley all those years ago, allowing a murderer to suck my cock. The force of my orgasm slams into me. Cum squirts all over. Not that I can see it, but the feeling is of a firehose exploding—pressure snapping all at once.
Slumping back against the tile, I breathe heavily. The sensation of my orgasm was a lot. I can’t even remember the last time I did this, nor have I desired to.Only with him.
I slowly crack my eyes open. The shower is the same as it was before. White, simple, boring. How my life is. Basic.
Then the fear of what I did drop kicks me in the chest. I just masturbated.
Me, Father Grayson, a man of devout devotion just came from thoughts of the Devil.
This right here is why I told him to stay away from me. He causes me to throw my moral code out the window. Makes me want to sin with him and forget every value I have.
I rinse off and turn off the water. Quickly I dry myself and throw on some sweats. Beocca is already curled up on the bed, passed out, signaling it’s time for sleep.
Gently I move him, trying not to wake him. Once he’s all snuggled up and back to sleep, I pull back the covers. I slowly crawl into my spot and get comfortable. My desire to sleep has disappeared, replaced by a humming alertness that won’t go away. My mind wants to stray back to the man of my nightmares.
He makes me feel so many forbidden things. Like I’m Eve and he’s the forbidden fruit tempting me to leave the Garden of Eden. Eve knew what she was doing was wrong. Just like I know what I’m doing is wrong.
I need to repent. Ask God for His forgiveness. The best way to do that is to say my prayers.
The same thing I told Declan to do after he confessed his recent sins to me.
I grab my rosary and Bible from my nightstand. I rub the beads in my hand, allowing them to bring peacefulness to my mind. Opening the Bible, I pick up where I left off last night.
John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Is this passage a sign? God Himself telling me He still loves and embraces me?
Or is it something I need to relay to a certain person? To let him know he can still be granted entry into Heaven.
I don’t want to spend my whole evening analyzing the meaning. I need sleep and the drive to continue my mission.
After more hours than I want to count, I finally find sleep. It isn’t rest—it’s surrender. And the moment I let go, I’m thinking of Declan. He shows up because some people don’t stay in the past once they’ve carved themselves into you.
13
DECLAN
“Dec, do we still have those bar towels I accidentally stained last year?” Fiona asks as she pops her head into my office.
