1
EWEN
The vibe in this bar is intense. Between the loud drunk people, the overly obnoxious bagpipe music coming out of every speaker, and the limited space between the bodies crammed in here, I have officially reached my limit. This isn’t my normal routine. I’m currently sitting at Murphy’s, an Irish pub not far from my apartment, with my roommate, Caleb, and all our friends to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, wearing an offensively bright green shirt with cheap shamrock beads around my neck.
“Are you really sure you want to go into the seminary after we graduate?” a drunken Emily asks. She’s asked me this question every time we’ve been together since I told her my plan to become a priest. I think it’s because she has a crush on me and wants to hook up, but like every time before, I just nod and hope that she’ll finally stop asking.
“Yeah Em, that’s what I want to do with my life,” I say, but that only gets me her pouty face.
“I just feel like there’s more to life than talking about religion,” she slurs, but I understand drunk Emily. Her gaze scans up and down my body. It’s not a new thing but it does make me uncomfortable. I don’twantto be sexualized. Emily will make a great lover for someone, one day. It just won’t be me.
She snuggles into me and I wrap my arms around her, giving her a hug. Even though she’s been trying to get with me since our first year of college, it doesn’t mean I can’t be her friend. If I was normal, I’d probably be into her. She’s gorgeous, with straight, silky blonde hair and warm chestnut brown eyes. Honestly, she’d be the total package. If I wasn’t fundamentally broken.
I realized early in life I wasn’t like the other boys. I never got sexually aroused by women or men. I never thought about sex, people’s body parts, or anything that would lead me to feel something other than emotionally for people. It wasn’t until college that I found the term asexual and figured out that was me.
The only thing that ever felt right to me was church. I was raised in a Catholic orphanage from the age of six. The priest and nuns who ran it were amazing. I felt like I belonged. I remember watching the priest and seeing how his words and knowledge of the Bible put so many people at ease, like he was a voice of God, and I knew I wanted to help people while guiding them to God’s embrace.
I pull away from Emily, trying not to hurt her feelings. She drank way too much tonight and it tends to make her overly emotional. “You can always come visit me,” I offer, even though I know she probably never will. “It’s not like I’m going far.” The seminary I was accepted to is only forty minutes from Boston.
She doesn’t acknowledge my offer.
Like I thought, I doubt she’ll visit.
Clearly ignoring me now, she flags down the waitress. “A round of car bombs, please.” She does a finger whirl to show she means for everyone. Our group cheers, while I inwardly cringe. Yeah, I’ve been drinking cheap, warm, green-dyed beer all night, but I’d avoided the earlier shots. While there's no rule against drinking with friends, it's simply not for me since I dislike how I feel the next day.
Emily turns to me and smiles. “You can’t turn down a free shot!”
I can, but tonight it’s not worth the energy to argue.
The shots arrive quickly, and we cheers before dropping the shot glass full of whiskey and cream into the Guiness and chugging. Ewww. How can people stomach so many of these? Once finished, everyone jumps right back into their conversations as if they never stopped.
Another beer is shoved into my hand. “Here,” Caleb says, “let’s finish these and then we can head home.”
Now he’s talking my language.
We chug our beers, and after I set down my glass, I tell him, “I gotta piss and then I’ll be ready to roll,” before leaving him with our friends. The bathroom has the longest line. I can probably walk home faster than it’d take to get through that.
Screw it.
I venture back to the group so we can leave. We meander outside and the majority depart in one direction while Caleb, his girlfriend Trish, and I head in the opposite. Everyone waves their farewells.
The walk isn’t too long—maybe fifteen minutes—and Trish’s place is on the way. Looking over at Caleb and Trish, all lovey together, I feel a slight pang of sadness knowing I’ll never have that with a person. But I can’t let it bring me down.
Trish says something to Caleb, but I can’t hear exactly what since she’s trying to whisper. She stops walking, forcing us to stop as well. “Baby, I don’t feel so good. Could you stay with me tonight?” She presses her hips into him, his hands locking on to her hips, and looks up at him with doe-eyes. I don’t even need to hear his response, I already know he’ll say yes.
They’ve been having sex since they got together last year. I actually prefer it when they stay at her place, then I don’t have to hear them grunting and moaning.
He nods and turns to me. Placing my hand up to stop him, I say, “Go dude, I’m a big boy and can escort myself home.”
Laughing, he slaps my back and turns toward her building. “See you tomorrow.”
The silence after Emily, Caleb and Trish, and the bar, is a welcome reprieve. I prefer the quiet. It gives my mind the chance to decompress.
Fuck, I have to piss so bad. I’m not gonna make it to my apartment. Stopping and looking in every direction, there’s nothing. Just lonely shadows dancing around the areas illuminated from the streetlights.
I duck into an alley. It’s dark—only the moon giving light to the little I can see. I’m convinced the farther I go, there’s less of a chance of someone seeing me.
There’s a dumpster that’s slightly angled out. Perfect. I wedge myself between the wall and the back of it, hiding myself. This will be over in less than sixty seconds.
