“Well, it’s kind of hard to tell you anything when you disappear off the face of the planet,” she says, rolling her eyes at me. Then, she smiles gently and grabs one of the baby’s soft, waving fists. “Rowan, meet Francesca. Frankie. She’ll be one in just a month.”
Not for the first time this past week, I’m speechless. My sister had a baby — made an entire human, named her, had a baby shower and celebrated with her friends — and I wasn’t around for any of it.
“Well, shit,” I whisper, realizing, for the first time, that Belle is right. I might be doing more harm — to myself and the people I love — by staying away. “I’m…”
“I know,” Belle says, reaching out and touching my arm gently. When I meet her eyes, I see there the patient sister who’s always been there for me. And it hasn’t been easy. “Come on.”
I shut down the computer, and together, the two of us head to a coffee shop across the street. I have to fight the impulse to keep my head down, turn my face away from people.
Once we’re seated, and I get to hold Frankie for the first time, everything comes out.
Being with Lola. The week we spent together. My worry that it was too brief to really mean anything.
“Remember when you came to me about all the stuff at the company? It was months before anything actually came to light, but your instincts were telling you that something was wrong.”
I nod, remembering how Belle had encouraged me to do something about it, and I hadn’t wanted to. Instead, I’d focused on the work, not thinking about how Hannah drifted further and further away from me.
“Well, you ignored your instincts then,” Belle says, before popping a bite of muffin in her mouth. “And look how that turned out. Nobody is telling you to marry her, but I don’t think you should discount a connection like that. In fact, there are lots of married couples I know who couldn’t spend a week trapped in the woods and come out that happy on the other side.”
“I turned her away,” I say, shaking my head. “I forced her to leave and didn’t give her a chance to defend herself.”
“So, you apologize,” Belle says, raising an eyebrow at me. “Just like you’re going to have to do for me. Like, a lot.”
“I am sorry,” I say, running a hand down my face. “Should we talk more? I could come to your place.”
“I’d like that,” Belle says, but she’s shaking her head, her gaze wandering over to my phone screen, where Lola is frozen, mid-smile. “But I think you have something else to take care of first.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Duh,” Belle rolls her eyes, gives a little bite of muffin to Frankie, who claps her hands. When Belle glances back up at me, I can see how motherhood has made her glow. “I’malwaysright.”
CHAPTER 25
LOLA
“You can do this,” Maisie says, leaning in the driver’s side window and smooshing her hands on either side of my face, so my cheeks flatten under her palms. Her brown eyes stare into mine as she says, “You aresobrave. Crank your motivation playlist. Youcan do this!”
“Thank you,” I say, but it comes out warbled because I don’t have full use of my lips.
I don’t actually feel that brave, and I’m tempted to point out the fact that I haven’t really accomplished anything yet, but I don’t. I let my best friend think the best of me as I pull out of our apartment’s parking lot and head over to the highway, then onto the road that’s going to take me up the mountain.
Less than a month ago, I was making this drive with a trunk full of glamping supplies and a suitcase full of the fun, cute outfits I’d thought I’d wear while camping in the mountains. Less than a month ago, I hated the idea of being up there, of trying to do anything in the outdoors.
But now, I notice that there’s something almost sweet about the air the further I get out of the city, and I crack the windows, letting the cool mountain breeze ruffle my hair as I drive.
At first, I do what Maisie said; I crank my motivation playlist and dance in the front seat, shimmying my shoulders and singing at the top of my lungs. Anything to keep the trepidation at bay.
Then, as I get closer and closer to his place — or rather, where the road bends and I know I’ll have to pull over and start hiking out to his place — my heart starts to beat harder, thudding heavily in my chest.
I’m doing my best to be brave, like Maisie said, but I can’t stop the memories from flashing through my head. The look on Rowan’s face as he stood by the door.
As much as we connected with one another during the week I was there, and as much as I want him to be a consistent part of my life, I don’t know him well enough to know for certain that he regrets kicking me out.
Maybe he’s more than happy with his solitary life up in the mountains. Maybe the time I spent with him was nothing more than a hassle, and he couldn’t wait to get rid of me.
But… no.
He definitely didn’t want to get rid of me, not when I had my legs wrapped around his waist. Not when his teeth were scraping over my neck, his breath dancing over my sensitive skin, goosebumps appearing at the suggestion of his touch.
