“Don’t say it’s mine,” he blurted out and immediately hated himself for it. “It can’t be mine. I can’t be a father.”
Her expression suddenly went from timid to angry. “I didn’t ask you to.”
Adam felt himself shrink at her words. He knew he was being unreasonable. He knew his reaction better resembled how a cornered animal might behave than a grown man. With great difficulty, he pulled himself together. “I’m sorry,” he managed. “Sorry. This was a… a shock. But I could have reacted better. Can we start over? I mean, after I’ve had a chance to process. Just so I don’t hyperventilate and pass out right in front of you.” Heforced a chuckle to indicate his intention to lighten the mood with that last sentence.
Kyra only shook her head. “OK, boss. We’ll try this again later. But please know, I won’t ask anything of you. I have this handled. You can… choose not to worry about it.”
He thanked her for letting him know in a purely professional voice that gave nothing away. Then he told her to meet him for dinner that evening, where they would discuss next steps. She left looking less than pleased, but Adam didn’t know what else to do. The truth was, he had no next steps planned. Rather than something he just wasn’t ready for, becoming a father was something he had long promised himself he would never do. It made up a big part of his life plan, in fact. Not having children.
It wasn’t that he disliked children. It was that he knew he would be a terrible father and wanted to spare them from having the kind of upbringing he’d been forced to live through. Both nature and nurture were working against him, as far as he was concerned. He was genetically tied to his terrible father. There was no evil-stepfather scenario in this case. And he’d been taught everything he knew about fatherhood from that same terrible father. One thing Adam excelled at was knowing his own limitations. And for the sake of his own potential future children, he had long ago decided not to have them.
But he had to take responsibility. Not doing so was out of the question.
That evening, Adam cooked dinner for two, doubting himself the entire time. Was there any amount of good food that could make up for what he knew he was going to have to say to her? Was there any way to soften the blow? He had made a massive, massive mistake in a moment of passion, and now he was goingto have to admit it to someone other than himself. He wanted to punch himself, but he flipped the well-seasoned steaks instead.
This meal would be his attempt at a peace offering, so he set the scene carefully. The dining room was spotless. The table was set beautifully with sides of potatoes, green beans, and dinner rolls. He was a simple man with simple tastes. He did his best to keep it unromantic, but he couldn’t resist lowering the lights to a more comfortable level.
When Kyra showed up, he noticed she was freshly showered with her hair tied in a bun. He also noticed, much to his chagrin, that she smelled fantastic, and he narrowly avoided telling her so.Keep it professional, he reminded himself.
“Thanks for coming,” he said, pulling her seat out for her. Maybe he didn’t intend to be romantic, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t at least be a gentleman about things. He was determined to make up for what he considered his earlier childishness. “I made them medium because I forgot to ask what you preferred, and you weren’t answering your door.” He set her plate with a nicely carved steak in front of her.
“I was probably in the shower,” she said. Her smile was formal rather than warm, but he knew it was his fault, so he didn’t comment. “But medium is perfect.”
“Good.” He sat across from her and gestured for her to help herself to the side dishes first. “Please, enjoy. And to put your mind at ease before we start, I want you to know I don’t intend to leave you in the lurch. I recognize my own role in this mess, and I intend to make it right.”
She shook her head. “That’s the thing, though. I don’t consider it a mess. I understand you don’t want to be a father, and youdon’t have to be. But I’ve always wanted to be a mother, and I don’t want to give up this chance. You don’t have to be involved. My mom has already offered to help, and I think…” She paused and seemed to consider the truth behind what she was about to say. “I think it’s going to be good. We’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry about us.” A small smile crept across her face, and that, at least, seemed genuine.
“So, you plan to keep the baby?” he asked, genuinely surprised.
She nodded. “Yeah, I think so. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, and even though I didn’t plan this at all, I’m OK with it.” She shrugged. “I keep thinking that maybe it was meant to be. Maybe I would never have found the right guy anyway, so the universe gave me this chance.”
Adam grumbled, “You’ll find someone. A person like you? Of course you’ll find someone.” He tried not to let the jealousy he felt creep into his voice.
She blushed and bowed her head. “Thanks, I guess.”
He got the impression she was as unhappy about it as he was. They both allowed silence to permeate the dining room as they dug into their dinner. “Do you like it?” Adam asked after Kyra had taken several bites of his cooking.
“It’s delicious,” she said. Her mood seemed to be lifting. “Perfect even. I didn’t know you could cook.” Maybe good food was more help than he’d given it credit for. “I haven’t been able to eat much lately, but this is so good. I think I’ll even have seconds.”
“Good,” he said. And without thinking, he added, “Eating well is good for the baby.” He leaned across the table to tip the decanter he’d filled into her cup.
“No thanks, I…” she began.
But he reassured her. “It’s cranberry juice. Don’t worry. I’m not a complete idiot, despite how things might look from where you’re sitting.”
“I wouldn’t think that about you.” She sipped the juice gratefully. “And thank you for the meal. Honestly, this is probably the best steak I’ve had in years. You really are an excellent cook.”
He let her finish her meal before he carried her plate into the kitchen and sat back down across from her. He watched her contentedly sip her juice for a minute or two before breaking the silence again. “I want you to know that I mean to help you out financially.”
“Oh, no, that’s not what I?—”
“I want to,” he interrupted. “I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to raise a child, but I won’t let my own kid want for anything. I have a little saved up, and I’ll help out where I can. Don’t tell me not to because you’re worried I’m being pressured into it. I want to help for my own peace of mind. And I’ll stay out of everything else, which is the best thing for everyone, I think. Is that acceptable?”
She chewed her lip for a moment and finally nodded. “But… can I still work here? Please. This is the best job I’ve ever had. I don’t want to give it up because of one stupid mistake.”
“Stop, stop.” He held up a hand to silence her. “Of course you can keep working here. I would never let you go for something like that.” He stopped when she frowned, and he thought better of what he was saying. “You’re far too valuable an employee, is what I mean. I’d have a hell of a time replacing you.”
She smiled, and he felt worlds better. Under everything, though, there was still the hum of a dread he couldn’t seem to shake. No matter what she said, he knew his life was never going to be the same again.
