I recite the words like a prayer, like I have every day since Valentine’s Day. My hand tightens on the shifter as I move itto the next gear. Turning the steering wheel with one hand, my gaze shifted from the road to the rearview mirror before I hit another curb. My pulse quickens when the car suddenly jerks to the opposite side, almost losing it, and then bright lights catch my eyes.
Blinding me.
Headlights cut through the dark pavements, coming closer by the minute. My chest tightens as I yank the steering wheel, straightening myself as the car hums like a warning. Letting out a shaky breath, I relax back into my leather seat as my eyes once again find the mirror. Short blue tendrils lash across my face in the wind. Something tugs my lip; it’s not a smile but a ghost of one, if anything. They say hair holds memory, and I want to forget. So, I cut mine—cut the cord that bound me to the past and to Kai. Burned the old strands like a funeral.
But the color?
Blue.
That was new. A reminder of him and everything I lost.
Blue like bruises.
Blue like the pieces of me I’ll never get back.
Blue like Kai.
My heart sinks at the thought—the color is the only thing I have left. There’s no going back to how things used to be. Not after all the lies and deception, especially not after becoming a pawn for Alec—my ex-boyfriend and the man who has threatened to kill the only part of my heart I want to protect. The freezing drift of the wind bites into my bones, making my body break out in goosebumps. My lips sting from the memory of how I miss his lips on mine. The weight of his body is above mine.
But all I am now is another piece of a game—I don’t want any part of it, but I can’t escape without drowning. My phone rings just as I press the gas. Looking at the illuminated screen, I can see the call is from Xena.
I press the green button in the steering wheel. “Hey, girl.” I fake the upbeat tone and listen to Roman groan from annoyance. He’s never liked me, always watched me like something dangerous. He couldn’t be more right. Unfortunately for him, Xena craved something he couldn’t give— sisterhood.
“Hey, T, are you busy?” she asks as my eyes remain on the road, foot on the gas, one hand on the shifter, and the other on the wheel. The wet gravel hugs the tires with each turn. The lights blur into streaks as I drive down the quiet roads of Cedarvale, my only escape from this hell and Alec.
“Just clearing my head. Why, what’s up?” I hated lying to her. Xena was alright in my book. We had walked similar paths in this cruel world and survived. In another life, we could be great friends. However, it’s not, and I’m definitely far from a good person. I couldn’t help the jealousy that poisoned me every time I saw them together. She’s happy and in love. While I’m just a looming cloud threatening to destroy it all.
My heart clenches at the thought. “I was thinking… You wanna hang this weekend? Shop for Halloween costumes or something?”
I smile even though I was Judas in her story. Despite the envy, I truly enjoyed her friendship— now Roman.
Ugh.
He has about as much personality as a piece of cardboard, all dark and gloomy. So different from my Kai, who’s all fire and color. It’s also funny, but Roman is the complete opposite; he’s a man straight out of a romance horror. All obsessive, possessive, and murderous. Still, I would be lying if I said seeing them together didn’t make me ache, reminding me of what I don’t have.
My heart.
The feeling usually goes away after I remind myself that what I do is for Kai. To keep him safe, and that solidifies my resolve, even if the taste is bitter in my throat.
“Yeah, sure,” I reply as I flip off the driver beside me.
“Wanna come out to a race, maybe find Roman a friend,” I tease, knowing damn well Roman is probably beside her, rolling his eyes as the words register in that thick skull. A small sliver of joy rushes through me. He doesn’t like me that much. Truth be told, I don’t like him either. But his instincts are right—whatever sense he had, warned him that I shouldn’t be trusted…
Too bad his love and need to please her override his instinct, and for that, they will suffer. “You know what, I think he would love that actually.”
I stop at a red light, looking at the deserted road stretching before me—dreading going back to the space I call my home. More like my prison, but hey, at least I’m able to still race—my little reward for being his good girl. Was it worth opening my legs for him to use me as my mind drifted to Kai?
No.
Yet I had no choice but to play his game. Pulling myself out of my head, I return to the conversation, my tone doesn’t hide the shock. “Really? He would?”
Xena smiles into the phone. “Of course he would. Roman actually will get a nice high from the thrill of racing. Tell you what, let him race.”
“What? No.” I snort. “Not in my car.”
I can see the smile on her face as she looks at Ro. “Please,” she asks, so nicely that it tugs at whatever strings I have left in my heart, and I comply, offering her a small mercy for the pain that I’ll soon be causing her. “Sounds good, Xena. But if he crashes my car, I’ll make him acquainted with my baseball bat.”
Roman scoffs loudly, and I can practically hear his eyes roll through the phone. It made me happy to get under his skin. Asmall joy in my darkened world. After a little more bullshitting over the phone, I pull into the rundown apartment complex Alec has rented for us. He says it is important to blend in and not stick out like a sore thumb. Before ending the call, I park the car. And grab the phone that rests inside the cupholder, my finger hovers over the screen.
