I began to break out in a sweat and grabbed a linen napkin to dab my brow. Bloody Sophia, I might have guessed she’d be involved.
‘Well?’ demanded Nick.
There was no way I was doing this in front of his family, who were clearly all baying for my blood. If I’d imagined the worst possible way to tell Nick about Aidan, then this would have been it. How could I explain – in front of his mother and his ex-wife! – that I hadn’t just mysteriously starting doubting my relationship the moment we set foot in Italy. That it wasn’t just about Aidan.
‘Nick,’ I said, turning to face him, my calm demeanour belying the fact that I felt as though I was about to pass outwith nerves, ‘this is between you and me. If you want to talk, let’s do it in private, OK?’
He hesitated and then he threw his napkin dramatically on the table.
‘Fine,’ he said, scraping back his chair.
Avoiding eye contact with everyone else, I followed him silently out of the restaurant.
Nick stomped over to the open fireplace where I’d seen the loved-up couple chatting over wine when we’d first arrived. What a weirdly romantic spot for a relationship to end.
‘So what’s going on?’ demanded Nick, slumping down into an armchair.
I sat opposite him, perching on the edge of the seat. I took a deep breath. For the first time, I was going to have to be the one to end a relationship. I was much more familiar with being on the other end. The dumpee. When someone didn’t want to be with me anymore, I knew exactly how to act and how to (eventually) make myself feel OK afterwards. Rejection was something I was used to; rejecting somebody else was scary and new. I gathered my resolve.
‘I do love you, Nick,’ I started. ‘Very much. But not in the way that I probably should love someone I’m planning to spend the rest of my life with. And if I’m being completely honest – with myself, as well as with you – I’ve never been sure, not one hundred per cent.’
God, that felt difficult to admit, and of course, I wished I’d come to this realisation sooner.
Nick sighed heavily. ‘Has it got something to do with that journalist guy, then? Is Sophia right?’
I bet Sophia had been in her element when she told him what she suspected.
‘In a way,’ I said. ‘The thing is, I know him – Aidan– from before. We were dating just before I met you. And the ending had been … sudden. I shouldn’t have been on Tinder in the first place when I was still hung up on somebody else. And going out on a date with you was probably not a great idea, in hindsight. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, not at all.’
‘So I was a rebound thing, then, is that what you’re saying?’ he said sadly.
I cleared my throat. There was no nice way to put it, was there, no matter which soft, flowery words you used?
‘I really liked you. I did,’ I said, remaining as strong as I could. ‘And when you proposed to me in Paris, I was swept away by it all. But part of me wanted to slow things down, and I hadn’t known how to say it. I should have found the strength to explain that I was doubting whether it was what I wanted.’
Nick slumped further down in his chair. He looked gutted and it was all my fault.
I took a deep breath. It was done, now. I had to keep my resolve. I reached out to take Nick’s hand.
‘I’ve loved every minute of the time we’ve spent together. But somewhere in my head there’s always been Aidan. And I’ve never really been able to forget him. And I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner.’
My heart was thumping so hard in my chest, I felt sure Nick could hear it.
‘So you knew he was going to be here in Florence, then, did you?’ asked Nick.
I shook my head. ‘I hadn’t seen or spoken to him for years.’
Nick shook his head.
‘I’m so sorry, Nick. I thought I could do this with you. I wanted to, more than anything.’
Nick looked at me. ‘And you’re sure? You don’t want to wait until we get back to London? Give yourself some time to think about it?’
I squeezed his fingers. ‘I just don’t think I can picture my life with you anymore.’
He nodded. ‘If this is really what you want,’ he said, ‘then I’m not going to try to stop you.’
I smiled at him the best I could under the circumstances. My face felt flushed from the open fire roaring next to us but also from the fact that this was possibly one of the worst moments of my life. I hated disappointing people and I’d not just let Nick down, I’d dropped him from a huge height. The poor guy had had no idea what was coming when he’d booked me a train ticket to Florence, but then, in truth, neither had I.
