‘That’s great,’ my father says.‘I mean, how hard could an arts degree be?She should be getting top marks.’
My father has a way with words.It somehow feels like he can prick me with a needle and deflate me with just one sentence.My mood sours considerably and I lean heavily back into my seat, feeling defeated.This night is going to be a disaster and I shouldn’t have expected anything less.
The pure shock on Zayden’s face validates me.It’s kind of nice to be reassured that the way they speak to me is not all in my head and I’m not being overdramatic.
‘How did you two meet?’Joshua asks, slinging an arm around the back of Lindsay’s chair.
‘Nora is good friends with my sister.She introduced us, and since she’s over a lot, I couldn’t help but fall for her,’ he replies, voice smooth and undeterred by their watchful eyes and not-sosubtle exchange of glances.
‘Lovely,’ Josh replies, sounding bored and sarcastic at the same time.
‘She was “over”?’My father repeats Zayden’s words, somehow making his voice sound odd, as if Zayden had said something strange.‘To your house, you mean?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘You own your own home?’he asks, and Zayden locks eyes with me briefly, since I told him that my father would ask him this, and that it would be within the first ten minutes.
‘I rent it with my sister and best friend.’
The stoic expression doesn’t waver as he nods slowly.‘I see.’
Michelle heads into the kitchen and the conversation steers from us momentarily.I’m able to breathe for the first time since I sat down.As usual, my siblings share news of all their accomplishments, and I sit silently, hoping and praying it’s almost time to go home.
When Michelle rounds the corner carrying the first two plates, Kyle gets to his feet and helps her bring the rest out.I’ve attempted to help in the past and was called ‘useless’, so I sit and wait quietly now.
My stomach falls.They’ve cooked a casserole in the sauce I hate.I can barely tolerate one single bite and they’re very aware of this; apparently it’s become the new dinner they want us to have each time we met up.We used to always eat something different, so I don’t know why all of a sudden this is the dish that’s being served on repeat.
Michelle meets my eyes and smiles widely, as if reading my thoughts.
‘This looks delicious,’ Zayden says.
My father stands and comes around the table to serve himself.
I place a scoop onto my plate and put the spoon back.Zayden’s brow furrows at the small amount.
‘Is that all you’re going to have?’he asks.
‘Yeah, I don’t like this sauce,’ I say quietly.‘I struggle with the spice.’
‘Ah, yes, that is something you will soon learn about my daughter,’ my father interjects, his deep voice drowning out any other conversations that were happening around the table.‘Fussy eater.Won’t eat this, won’t eat that,’ he screws his face up as he speaks.‘Doesn’t seem like she has too much trouble eating now.’With his free hand, he leans down and pinches the side of my stomach.
I flinch, cheeks burning.I sink low into my seat and beg the ground to swallow me up whole.Zayden’s speechless as he stares at me, his eyes bouncing between us with a horrified expression.I stare down at my plate, unable to meet his gaze.
I feel the sting crawl up the back of my neck, the heat of humiliation blooming behind my ears.Crossing my arms overmy stomach, I wish I could disappear.I’ve been working so hard on being kinder to myself, building new, healthy habits, trying my hardest to push out his cruel, condescending voice.I press my fingernails into my palm, focusing on breathing and hoping the redness in my cheeks isn’t as noticeable as it feels.He always finds a way to make me feel small.Shrink me in a way no one else can.
For a moment, I want to cancel every positive thought I’ve ever had about myself.I want to give in to the familiar darkness of self-hatred, because at least in there, nothing can catch me off guard.Instead, I sit up a little straighter, even though my chest feels like it’s caving in, and force a smile onto my face, attempting to remind myself that his thoughts and opinions don’t matter to me anymore.He has no control over me.
Casually, my father continues piling the food onto his plate before returning to his seat.Lindsay has a smug smile on her face as she does the same.
I’m going to get through this dinner, the damn wedding, and then I won’t be attending any more events.I’m going to distance myself, because I just can’t do this.I can’t feel like this all the time.The anxiety of being around them is eating me alive.
Reaching for my glass, there’s a noticeable shake in my hand.I’m always like this around them.A shell of myself.
Zayden is quiet as he stares down at his plate, and I’d love to know what he’s thinking.I’m so embarrassed that my father said and did that in front of him.No one reduces me to my size quite like he does.
‘What do you do?’Michelle asks after she’s taken her seat.‘What sort of hobbies do you have?’
‘I do a lot of different things, but mainly I play football.’
