His hand reaches for me, touching the top of my hand.‘What’s happened?’
‘I think you were having a nightmare.’
‘Oh,’ he says softly, voice laced with sleep.‘Did I scare you?’
‘A little.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s fine.’
‘Come here,’ he murmurs.
His body is warm, almost too warm.I sink into him, let him wrap his arm around me and ignore how our skin sticks together from his sweat.I quietly inhale, enjoying the smell of him.It’s hard to work out exactly what his smell is.It’s not a cologne, it’s more like … the outdoors.The breeze.The leaves.Nature, somehow.I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s nice.Even sweaty, the man smells good.
‘Do you get nightmares a lot?’I ask quietly.
‘Yeah,’ he replies.
‘I used to get night terrors as a kid.It was awful.Vivid images of horrific stuff.I couldn’t believe my mind was able to conjure up some of the things I saw.I think I watched too many things that I shouldn’t have when I was young.’
‘Well, you are a writer,’ he points out.‘Big imagination.I did, too.Do you have any night terrors now?’
‘Nah, they stopped years ago.I hardly ever have a bad dream now.’
‘That’s good.’He pauses for a moment, and I wait to see if he’s ready to continue.‘I never used to.Never had issues sleeping.In fact, I slept so long and so deep, my mum used to joke it was like I was in a coma.’
‘Then it changed?’I guess, treading lightly, knowing that this may be a sensitive topic for him.I’m assuming this has something to do with what happened with his stepfather.
‘Yeah,’ he exhales.‘I was meant to be out one night but had to run home to grab something.No idea what it even was now, and I found my stepfather with his work colleague.She had dropped by to deliver paperwork apparently.Didn’t realise that involved his mouth on hers and his hand up her skirt.I confronted him about it after she left.’
I stare ahead, chewing my lip, barely breathing as a weighted silence fills the room.
‘I can still feel his hands on me.Hitting me over and over.Holding me down.His hand around my throat.The threat in my ear as he told me he’d kill me and hurt Anya if I said anything.’My eyes close.I press my forehead into his side and tighten my hold on him.He runs his knuckles down my back.‘That’s what wakes me up at night.Not every night, but when I’m really tired, he’s there.Even though he’s dead now, he still haunts me.I just keep seeing my mum’s face when I told her.’
‘I’m so sorry, Zayden,’ I whisper, tears burning my eyes.‘No one in your family deserved that.’
‘I can take a beating.Hell, I’ve been in plenty of fights.What hurts is my mother turning her back on me when I told her what happened.I still had the damn bruises on my skin and she said I was lying.I just … can’t let that go.’
‘I don’t blame you.That is the most awful thing to have gone through, and then for her to say and do that … it’s honestly unimaginable.’
‘I don’t get it.I could have protected her.I would have done anything for her, but she couldn’t do the same for me.’
I don’t know what to say.Sorry just isn’t enough.My heart aches for him.The pain in his voice hurts to hear.A tear slidesdown my cheek and I sniffle, rolling onto my back to breathe easier and wipe my face.
‘I’m okay,’ he says, wiping the tear from my cheek.‘It’s over now, I have to get over it.’
‘You don’t have to pretend it didn’t happen.It doesn’t work like that.’
‘Yeah,’ he mutters.‘I know.’
‘Thank you for sharing that with me.I know that wasn’t easy for you.’
‘I didn’t speak a word of it for so long, until I had to tell Anya.It feels weird acknowledging it.Like, the longer I spent not talking about it, the more likely it would fade into oblivion.’
‘Have you ever thought of talking to a professional about it?’I ask, a little nervous that he might take my question in a way I didn’t intend.
‘No,’ he says.‘I’m not very good at talking about things.’
