Which meant he thought of it enough to know not to speak.
“What about when Noah and Simon brought up your job and why you left? Another time it could have happened.”
“Farrah, there was no good time to do it. You’ve been insecure about me to begin with. That you thought I’d leave and go back to that life. I know how you feel about cheating and you know how I feel. It’s pissing me off you think I’m lying to you.”
“You’re mad?” she asked, her eyebrows rising. “You have no idea how betrayed I feel. What it’s like to lose your heart to someone else who isn’t honest about everything. Who might be putting on some show or front and then is going to change a year from now, two years from now. I’ve been there and gone through it already. You know those things and yet you weren’t completely truthful about everything. It’s more aboutthat!”
“No one is truthful about it all,” he shouted. “You’re condemning me for not giving you one small fact about my past that wasn’t true. You’re harping on a lie someone else said. Doyou know how many times people are backstabbed or lied about in that industry? Do you know how cutthroat it is? You don’t and I wouldn’t tell you.”
“Why did you bring me around your old life? Why subject me to those things then?”
“Because I wanted you to see what it was like so you could finally realize it’s behind me. You heard them all tonight. You heard the women and their sides of it, didn’t you?”
They were all tired of only having half a relationship. Never seeing the men in their life and doing it on their own.
Watching the men in their lives come home exhausted and stressed.
That it wasn’t all that it looked like on the outside.
Yes, she’d heard that side of it and there was a part of her that actually felt for Jayce and what he might have gone through silently, but that was his choice to do it.
“That’s not the point here,” she said.
“What is?” he asked, throwing his hands up.
“I just told you. But fine—I’ll spell it out. You didn’t explain everything to me. You let me believe things that weren’t true. You put on this big front for everyone, like everything was fine, when it wasn’t. To your family, to your friends. No one close to you ever saw this coming, because you hide things too well. What was it someone called you? An ass kisser? That fits, doesn’t it? And now you expect me not to believe you’re only telling me what Ineedto hear, not what Iwantto hear? Or vice versa. You’re delusional if you think I wouldn’t question it. Not after everything I’ve gone through with my ex, not while I’m still living through it. Did you really think I’d just sit here, nod my head, and swallow every word you said tonight without asking questions when I’ve been seeing other sides of you?”
“I would have never agreed to this dinner tonight if I thought this was the result,” he said, running his hands through his hair.
“And that says everything I hoped it hadn’t. It tells me you knew I’d question things and I’d be upset and you didn’t want me to know. See, not truthful.” She picked up her purse and went toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
“To see if I can get another room tonight. If I didn’t come here in your car, I’d leave now.”
“Don’t,” he said, walking toward her. “Don’t leave and walk out of here like this. I’ll sleep on the fucking couch if you want, but we’ll leave together tomorrow.”
She stared at the anger on his face. The tenseness of his body, his fist clenched, his shoulders rigid. She didn’t worry he’d hurt her, not physically, but her heart was already shattered.
“Your back can take it, but I’ve got the bed.” Then she shut herself in the bathroom and sobbed until it felt as if her heart was breaking again.
41
TO FIGURE OUT
“Imessed up,” he said, walking into his parents’ house on Sunday morning.
Not only was his body in pain, his heart ached enough he thought he’d have to clutch his chest a few times on the ride home with the two of them in silence.
“What did you do?” his mother asked. “I didn’t expect to see you until work tomorrow.”
“I didn’t think I’d be here either.” The plan was for him to spend the week with Farrah, then go back to his sister’s condo that he had moved into weeks ago.
He’d decided there was no reason to buy anything just yet. He was aiming at a future with Farrah and if things worked out the way he wanted, they’d figure that step out together.
If he hadn’t fucked up like he had.
He told his parents what had happened at dinner last night and then the drive home. He also explained more of what Farrah told him about her failed marriage and the fears it left her with.
