A strangled sound escaped my throat. More self-pity. I didn’t do that. I didn’t like myself this way. I needed a distraction. Something to focus on so I didn’t have to think. Or remind myself of how I blew it with Tane.
But right now, my heart hurt too much.
I scraped my tears away with my fingers. “Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck you.” I punched at my own thigh.
As my voice rose, I heard a knock at my door. Insistent but soft. It couldn’t be Tane. He had thinking to do. He’d said so.
I got up and approached the door. The metal handle felt cold against my palm. Slowly, I opened it.
Tane stood before me. His mouth dropped open when he saw me. My face was still wet.
“Oh, sweetheart.” Then he stepped forward and pulled me into his arms.
His hug tightened. I couldn’t breathe. All I could think was he was just being nice, making sure I was all right. I still wasn’t good enough. He didn’t want me. I squeezed my arms between us and pushed him away.
“Don’t pretend,” I said. “Don’t.”
“Pretend what?”
I turned away as he reached for me again. “That you care.”
“Kirion.”
I held my hand up. “No. I can’t. I—” I swallowed hard. “I just can’t.”
“Can’t what?” He touched my shoulder. “Please don’t shut me out. I’m sorry I said what I said about being owned. It was stupid. I didn’t mean it in the way it came out.”
I shook my head.
“Let’s sit. Can we at least talk?”
I let him steer me toward the table by the window. I’d opened the curtains halfway and raindrops raced down the pane.
We sat facing each other. I put my elbows on the table and leaned into my hands.
“I think too much,” Tane said softly. “That’s what it is. My business decisions require it.”
“I’m a business transaction.”
“Maybe at the beginning. But then I brought you home and realized Malin was not mature enough for any ideas I had to help him. I thought too rationally then, and I failed. Feelings aren’t practical and I have a son who hates me because I tried too hard to fix him through logic and reason. Not love. Or maybe it was love but I didn’t know how to show it any other way.”
“I was a product.” My voice came out low.
“Yes, but I realized you weren’t quite quickly and immediately knew what I had done was wrong.”
I looked up. “And then I asked you not to return me.”
“I already knew I wasn’t going to do that.”
“And then overnight you became responsible for what you’d done, the guardian of a live person.”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry to be that burden.”
“Burden? You think so?” He laughed without any lightness or smiles. “You want to know something, Kirion?”
I was still pouting. “What?”
