Had I caused this? Was this all because of me?
But no. I knew better. There were problems and toxicities within this house long before I ever came here. Things I had nothing to do with. I only knew if I kept myself as calm and quiet as possible it seemed a great probability that I would be left alone to do as I pleased within this house. It was the best I could hope for. Well, maybe I had slightly higher hopes but I wouldn't allow myself to go there yet. So what if I was attracted to Tane? It didn't mean anything. Not really. Not in this environment anyway.
I watched Tane curled up on the floor with a pain in my chest that started to grow. My instinct was to go to him like I would with anyone who was hurting, put my hand on his shoulder and ask him if there was anything I could do. But that wasn't my place here. Or anywhere. My world had changed forever and I needed to accept that and get on with my life, taking it day by day, reminding myself how easily things could have been much much worse.
16
Tane
Ididn't come out of my bedroom for two days. There was no need. I had everything in here, laptop, phone, TV, fridge. Elias brought hot meals and left them by my door on my order. I wasn't hungry but I still ordered three meals a day and tried to eat what little I could.
I never saw or heard Malin leave. It was for the best. My chest ached that I couldn't fix things between us. And maybe never would. Rupert would never have forgiven me. Tanekan had stopped talking again.
I never cried. Sometimes, as I watched endless and mindless TV programs, I would have to wipe at my face to dry it, but I wasn't crying. Not really. If water leaked from my eyes, I barely noticed.
On the third day I got tired of looking at the same four walls. I texted Elias and told him I would be downstairs for dinner in the formal dining room.
He replied. “Affirmative.” He was always so formal. But then he sent a second text. “Are you all right, sir?”
That was the first time I smiled. Just a little. I replied that I was fine.
I showered for the first time since playing handball with Danon and dressed for dinner. I'd slept in my clothes and they were quite ripe and ready for the hamper. I took my time choosing trousers and a nice off-white turtleneck. My hair had been sticking out in all directions but after washing it, drying it and combing it back I felt somewhat presentable again. Shoes polished, a gold watch and my favorite emerald ring in place, I made my way downstairs.
The house was far too silent. Even though Malin was gone eighty percent of the year, this silence was different, emptier.
I swallowed down my discomfort and walked with my head up into the dining room. To my surprise, Kirion was sitting at the table. He looked up quickly in surprise, then glanced at Elias as if to say: Why didn't you tell me?
It was funny how I could read him so easily. How with that one look I knew he'd been eating in here every night alone since I'd been in my room. Had he been that lonely? One more thing I could add to my list of self-blame.
Now, presented before me was a second young man I had the opportunity to screw up. He wasn't my son and I wasn't raising him but I'd made a promise to be responsible for his well-being.
Shit. What a great start for me.
“Oh, hi,” Kirion said. “Is it okay if I eat here? I didn’t know you would be.”
“I'd like the company.”
“Me, too.”
At his words, parts of my body that had been tense for over two days suddenly relaxed. It felt natural to be around him, his presence in the room no hindrance. In fact, it was more thanwelcome. I liked Kirion. As I'd gotten to know him I realized I enjoyed our talks and our meals together. I had even enjoyed taking care of the cut on his hand. Time spent with him had given me a peacefulness I never thought I would feel.
Over dinner, we were silent at first. But by the second course we were talking, not about anything major, mostly boring pleasantries, but it was actually quite wonderful. We lingered over dessert. I liked to think it was because we both didn't want the meal to end.
The next few days we shared all our meals. It was a quiet companionship with zero stress. The storm had passed and when I went out to attend my garden and clean it up Kirion followed and helped. After that, we began to work in the garden almost every day when the sun was out. Fall was quickly upon us. I pointed out the perennials to him, which always died back but came alive again in spring and then taught him about the winter flowers that waited for the right temperatures to show themselves.
He wasn't afraid to kneel in the dirt and get his hands muddy. His cut had long since healed. He always wiped his hands on his pants and then laughed about it afterward. I offered him a gardening apron but he didn't want it. He said he didn't care if he was a little messy and that it felt good. His laughter, when it rang through the still and sullen air, was like music. I had little garden posts and areas that held garden decorations and chimes. But he was the best chime, and the prettiest decoration.
We worked together well, never bumping into each other, always seeming to know when the other was ready to take the trash to the big bin or rake up the mess we'd made or take a drink break. When that happened, we'd sit on the bench underneath an elm tree I'd planted after Rupert died. If it was a particularly nice day the wind would ripple across the plants andthrough the leaves and ruffle Kirion’s beautiful hair. Sometimes I imagined the wind was my hand.
Though we’d come from privilege, the world had not been kind to either of us. But here we were both at peace. The garden was healing us.
One day, the winds turned cold. Kirion came to me, garden gloves in hands, and said, “I have to go inside now. My hands are too cold to work even with the gloves.” One palm still held a scar from when he’d cut himself.
Without thinking, I ripped off my own gloves and took his hands in my own, rubbing gently. My stomach flipped as tingles of pleasure rushed through me.
To my surprise, Kirion’s fingers curled around my own. He looked up at me and smiled. “Why are your hands still warm?”
“Alphas have hot blood.”
