The walls were covered with paintings, some of flowers and clouds, some abstract. The colors were stark oranges and reds and seemed like they wouldn’t go with the décor, yet somehow they complimented it.
There was a huge walk-in fireplace, dark and empty, a screen covering it. The mantle looked carved from soft blue marble. Everything smelled freshly cleaned. But Tane had also left his mark. An earthy, flowery garden scent. I breathed slower, letting it linger along my passageways, then closed my eyes. This was refuge. Safety. It almost made me sleepy.
I leaned against the side of the bed letting the calm of his scent wash over me. After a while, I realized I had my arms wrapped around myself. I was swaying. I thought I heard Malin shuffling around the hall and stomping up to the third floor. A couple times I heard distant yelling. I wondered if he was messing with my room again, but it didn’t matter. I was staying here for now even if I was uninvited. I’d rather risk Tane’s wrath than Malin’s.
After a few more minutes, I rubbed at my eyes, my fingers coming away slightly wet. Had I been crying? But I was fine. I made myself repeat that silently to myself until I believed it.
After another ten minutes, I found the courage to move around the room to get a closer look at things. Tane had a bookcase filled with books, mostly novels, some of which looked very old. Another bookcase held knickknacks including some old clocks, some picture frames of landscapes—none of people—and little jewelry chests. I opened one that was full of rings. I loved rings and glanced at my own laden fingers. Slowly, I took off my own rings on one hand and began to try on some of Tane’s. Theywere heavy and bulky, too much for me, but the stones were beauties, worth a lot.
After that, I stood by the big balcony windows and looked out at the storm for a long time. It was getting darker out. Tane still hadn’t returned.
There was no way I was leaving this room until he came back. I’d stay here as long as I had to. The problem was, I couldn’t see the front of the house from here, or the road. I wouldn’t know when he drove up.
Well, he could catch me here. I’d live through it.
I went to the couch and sat on the comfortable cushions. He couldn’t be mad if he found me here. I wasn’t doing any harm. Just waiting. I’d tell him that.
When it grew too dark to see, I stayed put, afraid to turn on a light. The dark made me sleepy. I decided to close my eyes just to rest them a bit.
That was the last thing I remembered as the wind and rain slashed against the windows and I fell asleep.
14
Tane
Iwasn’t sure how Danon had persuaded me to go down the street to the gym with him for a game of handball. I was still silently questioning my mind about Kirion. But now, here I was, wearing gym clothes I purchased at their counter, hitting ricocheting balls and remembering how good I was at this game, how great it felt to move and run and chase. I exercised regularly in my gym at home, but only alone. Playing a game with a partner felt wonderful.
I completely lost track of the afternoon, which was unlike me.
By the time we were done, it was dark out. My stomach grumbled for dinner. At the thought of food, I immediately pictured Kirion sitting at the table with me, enjoying the food and being good company. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed having a guest for dinner until he joined me for meals.
My stomach flipped at the nice thought. I wondered what Kirion was doing right now. I was sure he was fine but felt a sudden urge to know.
On the way home the limo got stuck in traffic. Rain pounded the streets. Everyone drove slowly. My urge to see Kirion was strong and there was no reason for it. Well, there were reasons. But I didn’t want to let myself think them. I poured myself a drink and tried to relax.
Danon got me willing to admit that I was attracted to him. But admitting that I had gone to wolf country for a companion for myself and not Malin was harder. Malin was such a frustration, always on my mind as a personal failure for which I took all the blame, and it was still compulsive for me to think I’d been on a mission to solve that.
“You can’t control others, only yourself through your decisions,” Danon had said. “You can’t change others.”
Intellectually, I knew that.
There was no denying Kirion was mine whether or not I wanted to own up to my intentions.
Now what?
Danon had not come right out and said I should consider all possibilities with Kirion. But he did say, “Take your time. Get to know him. He’s under your wing now and since you’ve stated you would never return him it’s better to accept the situation and just go with whatever the future holds. Nothing is for sure. You have choices and he has choices.”
I liked that he didn’t push me. He didn’t ask any questions about my social life, sex, or anything like that. He led me to these contemplations and then left it all to me to think about. He knew I responded best that way. My broken bond had left me withdrawn and non-talkative for a long period. I responded best to non-aggressive conversation and vague suggestions.
When I stopped seeing Danon more than a couple times a year, I did a lot of self-help stuff online. But nothing had helped me address the Malin situation.
I sighed, draining my glass as the limo pulled up my private drive.
Malin’s next trip had been weather-delayed. I hoped I didn’t run into him. My thoughts made me feel like a terrible father, but I couldn’t help but think that it was best for me and for my staff when he was gone.
I asked the driver to take me to the covered porch instead of the garage. It was a shorter distance to the stairwell to the second floor. The sooner I could get to my room and change into fresh clothes, the sooner I'd be downstairs to see Kirion for dinner.
I ran up the steps through the watery onslaught without having to open my umbrella.
