My session with Dr. Brett goes pretty much the same as the last few.
Take time. Talk about your feelings. Dig into your childhood.
Why do therapists always fixate on childhoods and parents?
What does whether or not I was read a bedtime story have to do with my wife having an affair?
My childhood was normal.
Okay, my parents’ start might not have been, but they did everything they could to give us a regular, American upbringing.
“What do you mean their start wasn’t normal?” Dr. Brett asks.
I look away from the camera, biting back the familiar cringe that always comes when I think about it.
“My dad,” I begin slowly, “was… is… bisexual.”
Dr. Brett doesn’t react the way Jess did when I told her. Her mouth had dropped so far it practically hit the floor.
“I guess you don’t really think of fathers being bisexual,” I continue with a shrug. “But whatever. Anyway, he had a highschool sweetheart, a man. When they went to college, I guess they decided to open their relationship.”
Dr. Brett nods, listening.
“My dad apparently sowed his wild oats and ended up getting my mom pregnant. She was ready to raise the baby alone, but Dad didn’t want that. So he broke up with Manuel, his boyfriend, and stepped up.”
“That’s quite a beginning,” Dr. Brett says. “When did you find all of this out?”
I clear my throat.
“My parents sat me and my brother down a few months after his eighteenth birthday. Told us the whole story. And that they were getting divorced… and Manuel was back, but the two were completely unrelated.” My eyes roll unintentionally.
“And what did you think at the time?” he asks.
I open my mouth, then hesitate.
“Honestly? Shame.”
“Shame of your father?”
“No,” I say quickly. “Not of him. Of the fact that he spent more than twenty years hiding who he really was because of one mistake.”
“Did he call it a mistake?” Dr. Brett asks.
“No,” I admit. “But it was implied.”
“Was it?” he presses gently.
I frown. “I mean… yeah.”
“Your father chose to be a dad,” he says calmly. “As you said, your mother was ready to do it alone. He chose to stay. So why should you feel guilty about that?”
“I don’t feel guilty,” I say automatically.
Dr. Brett leans back in his chair.
“Interesting,” he says. “Because you’ve used the words pregnancy, baby, and mistake several times. But not once have you referred to that baby as you.”
“I mean…” I look away. “That’s also implied.”
