“No. Yes.”
Fuck.
I blow out a deep breath in an attempt to collect my thoughts, only to settle on, “I don’t know.”
To his credit, Cam doesn’t laugh at my blundering. Instead, he slides his hand over top of mine and whispers, “Okay. Can you try to explain for me?”
I wish I knew how.
I just know I’m the only person hecansleep with, thanks to this deal. Not that I’d want him sleeping with anyone else, but the point is, here I am, very clearly open to the idea and willing to put out, yet he hasn’t given me any indication toward it. At all. It’s breeding this insecurity in my mind that’s driving me insane.
“I guess I don’t understand why you haven’t tried. Like, after everything we talked about on FaceTime last week…”
A brief flicker of understanding softens his gaze, and a wry little smile pulls up one side of his mouth.
“Honestly, I wasn’t sure if it was just dirty talk for you. You know, setting a scene for us to get off, because, when we were in New York, you told me we weren’t having sex.” He pauses before quickly adding, “Which I was and still am okay with, by the way. I meant it when I said we could go at whatever pace you want.”
He does have a point—I said no sex then, and I also said it from the jump too. He’s followed every rule I put in place, and I’m the one who changed things without warning. I can’t exactly fault him for his confusion.
“No, uh. I want to if you do. I just…wasn’t sure if you did. With me, I mean.”
I feel my face heat as I stumble through my thoughts some more because,Jesus Christ,I sound like a dolt. Camden doesn’t seem to care, though. He’s still looking at me with the utmost patience and concern while quietly searching for his own response.
“I do want to, Lo. God, I fucking do. I just…” He trails off, an uncomfortable laugh leaving him before he glances away. “Fuck, this is going to make me sound so lame, but… I’ve never done something like this before. Real, fake, or in between.”
From his reputation alone, I’d already made this assumption. And while I’m not planning to touch on the validity of this relationship right now, part of me wonders ifthat’swhy he hasn’t pushed any further.
“I kinda figured, but you’ve always been so quick to bring people home—and I’m not judging you for it or anything,” I quickly rush out, feeling my cheeks heat. “But knowing that, having seen it firsthand, I couldn’t understand why…”
I trail off, not being able to say the last few words without wanting to vomit.
Why you’re treating me differently.
Cam’s fingers wrap around my thigh, and he squeezes it gently. The heat of his palm through my sweats does that magical thing, grounding me instead of allowing me to spiral some more, and I’m grateful.
“I may have a reputation now, but it wasn’t always like that,” he admits softly. “I didn’t even swipe my V-card until my freshman year at Leighton.”
I blink a couple times, processing the information he’s just given me that doesn’t even seem plausible. Because there’s no way I lost my virginity at a younger age than Camden did.
“How the—What?”
“I wasn’t exactly…desirableback in high school,” he says slowly, picking at the stitching on my comforter. “I may have looked the same—minus like twenty pounds of muscle—but everyone there just thought I was this idiot jockhead who didn’t know how to read, you know? Add in that my general personality is…well, what it is, and it didn’t really help matters.” He pauses and offers a little shrug. “Then I came here, and I finally got to start over as just Camden: a typical, goofy goalie who sometimes makes really dumb choices that get me in trouble. But making myself a joke felt better than the alternative. I’d much rather have everyone laughingwithme instead ofatme.”
My heart sinks as so many things start to click into place, even more than they have previously. Why he seemingly switches into character around certain people. Why he chose not to tell anyone—the school included—about his dyslexia.
And to hear people were so cruel to him for something he has no control or say in? I want to kill every one of them for it. Give me the names and I’ll go fuckingDeath Noteon their asses. Because how fuckingdarethey?
But I know my rage for the younger version of Camden isn’t useful to this particular conversation, so I force myself back on track.
“So, what’s stopped you from pursuing something since coming here? Before…” I trail off, motioning between us.
“Maintaining anything long term is kinda hard when the other person only really wants me for the night, maybe two.” He’s still looking down, extremely focused on my comforter’s stitching when he continues. “The thing I didn’t realize coming into college was that people only want something when they don’t think they can actually have it. And as soon as they get it? It’s like there’s nothing else for them to chase. The high of screwing the star goalie fades, and it’s on to the next thing. The next person. To someone who is actually boyfriend material.”
“But that can’t be true,” I attempt to reason, shaking my head. “Look at the girl with the video. If the whole reason she posted it was because she was jealous you hooked up with her brother—”
“Doesn’t mean she wanted to date me or be my girlfriend or whatever,” he cuts in dryly, finally lifting his focus to meet my gaze again. “I guess it kinda goes back to the whole thing I told you about me being called dumb or whatever, and believing it when it’s said enough.”
A sharp pain hits the back of my throat when I understand what he’s saying.
