From the agonized grimace on Cam’s face, it’s clear he does too.
“And I love you, Lo. I love you so fucking much, every time I breathe, it hurts. It doesn’t matter if I’m home, on the ice, at the fucking grocery store, picking up ingredients to make pesto chicken that’s never as good as yours. I can feel the spot on my chest where your head is supposed to be every morning, only to find the other side of my bed cold and empty. And it’s fucking miserable, living without you.” He shakes his head, and the movement finally has those tears spilling over and streaming down his face. “But I love you enough to endure all of it, knowing you’re out there finding what makesyouhappy.”
I wish I could say his words—the clear depth of his love—heal something inside me, but they don’t. If anything, they only serveto shatter me more, crushing those fragments of my heart into finely ground powder. I lean back against the granite post, using it for support, and the solid stone is the only reason my body doesn’t collapse under the weight of this decision.
“I’m not going to change your mind, am I?”
His teeth sink into his lip before his gaze falls to the ground. “I hope you know this is the furthest thing from what I want.”
So, that’s a no.
Tears begin to well up as I work to swallow, but rather than letting them fall, I close my eyes and hope the cool evening breeze whipping around us will act as a soothing balm to my aching heart.
“Can you at least tell me if this is forever or…is there a chance down the road?”
“I don’t know.”
My eyes open when I feel his fingers brush over my cheek. The gentleness in his touch causes me to lose the battle against my tears, but when they spill over, they barely make it down my cheek before Cam wipes them away.
His lips pull back in a grimace, and he shakes his head. “I hope there will be a right time for us one day. But for now, I think this is how it has to be.”
Staring into his eyes, seeing the pain so clearly mirrored in my own, it takes every ounce of my willpower not to beg and plead for him to wait. But I know I can’t ask that of him; it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if I did.
“We can try…” He trails off, not even able to finish the sentence.
It’s probably for the best, though. I have a good feeling I know what he was about to say, and it wouldn’t work. There’s no reality where I could ever be just his friend after knowing what it’s like to be loved by him.
My gaze shifts back to the city lights reflecting out on thedark, expansive lake, feeling every bit as lost and frustrated as I did finding his bedroom empty over a year ago.
“I guess that’s all there is to say, then,” I say, unable to keep the despair from cracking my voice.
Cam’s palm finds the side of my face and forces me to meet his red-rimmed eyes head-on. And if my heart weren’t already a pulverized mess at his feet, seeing him like this surely would’ve done the job.
“I have no right to ask for this, but I need you to promise you won’t give up on yourself, okay? Because your talent is something people should see; it would be such a waste if they didn’t.” His gaze flashes toward the glass doors leading inside before he adds, “And he may be Travis Reed, but fuck your dad, all right? Make your own legacy, Lo. Something you can look at and be proud of. Something that’s just yours.”
My jaw tenses, and I nod before whispering a grated, “I promise.”
“Good. I’m gonna hold you to that.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him how he’ll manage to do that when we can’t be together or even be friends—or when I don’t even have his damn phone number anymore. But instead, I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face against the side of his throat…and just fucking hold him.
We stay like that for I don’t know how long. It’s fucking agony to know I’ll have to live without this, which is why I do my best to memorize everything about this moment—his touch, his smell, his warmth. And it’s why I make a silent promise to myself in addition to his. To make it back to this, come hell or high water.
If there’s even an ounce of hope left, then that’s what I’ll cling to until he’s mine again. For fucking good, this time.
Far sooner than I’d like, Cam pulls away and cups my jaw the same way he did last night, like I’m a delicate piece of glass in hispalm, and he knows, with one wrong move, I’ll shatter.
Little does he realize, it’s too fucking late.
“I’m not gonna say it again. I think it’d be cruel to us both if I did,” he whispers roughly. “But just know I feel it, Lo. Then. Now. Always.”
I nod, unable to stop tears from streaming down my face as I kiss him for what might be the last time. And when it’s over, all too quickly, I do the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I turn and walk away.
Thirty-Four
Camden
