She gave me a weak smile. “Our decisions have consequences, and mine killed my sister. I could have gone,” she said in a rush. “My stomach ache was manageable, but what Icouldn’tstomach was being her shadow for the evening while everyone bathed in her light. My jealousy killed her.” Her chest heaved and she blinked back tears. “There, I said it.”
“Clary—”
“We had plans to be kick-ass Hunters together. To find hot Hunter boyfriends. We were going to rule, but… But deep down, I knew it would be Raina who ruled. Raina that shone. I didn’t want to share the limelight with her, and it got her killed.”
“Clary, you can’t?—”
“The energy we put out there has an impact, Ana,” she said vehemently. “The negative thoughts I pushed into the world took my sister from me, and now… Now I have to live with that. But I vowed to do the right thing going forward, to never put my needs above those of others, and to set an example.”
Is that why she’d refused to heal the student who got hurt attacking another student? She wanted them to suffer for what they’d done, even if it meant she was Unwoven?
“Clary, don’t you think Raina would want you to be happy?”
“Of course she would,” Clary said. “Because that’s the kind of person she was. But I don’t deserve it. At least not yet.” She pressed her palm to her chest. “I don’t feel it yet.”
There was pain in this woman. Guilt and the belief that she wasn’t good enough. It was a powerfully destructive combination that would eat her alive if not checked.
It wasn’t my problem, but…I put my arm around her shoulder anyway. “I think Raina would be proud of you. Of the friend you’ve become to Dori, Benedict, now… Now to me.”
She sniffed again. “You think?”
“Yeah, I really do.”
She leaned her head against me. “I’m glad you came to Nightsbridge. I’m glad we’re friends.”
“Me too. Me too.” And the fucked-up thing was, in that moment, I think I meant it.
CHAPTER 28
Once a connection is formed, it cannot be undone, only monitored by boundaries. But if those boundaries fail, then there is chaos.
THE COSMOLOGIST
The dining hall was nearly empty at this time of day, as most students were in class or still in bed. The busiest hours were between twelve and two, then five and eight. I made a note to avoid those. But with the morning sun streaming in through the newly fixed windows and only a handful of students scattered about—none of whom were throwing evil looks my way—it was almost pleasant in here.
“Not long left now!” Benedict held up his planner, flipping to the calendar page where each day was neatly crossed off. “Only three and a half weeks to the Restoration Ceremony.”
“I miss Mr. Twiggins.” Dori propped her elbows on the table and rested her face in her hands.
“I miss Mimi.” Clary pouted. “She loves sleeping with me. The bed’s been empty without her.”
Of course. The block on their power would have cut them off from their familiars. It hit me how strange it must be for them not to have access to the Weave, considering that it had always been part of them. It was different for me, I had no real concept of what I was missing.
Clary confirmed my thoughts a moment later. “I’m sick of feeling empty, you know. I mean, I don’t miss doing spells so much as feeling the buzz of the Weave like… Like a… A friend.” She shook her head. “I can’t explain it.”
“I get it,” Dori said. “It’s like that feeling you get sometimes—you know, when you think you’re forgetting something, or you go into a room and have this conviction that you were supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. The absence of the Weave is that feeling, all the time.”
I recalled the yearning that had sparked inside me beneath the wards at the Border House. The way a primal part of me had reacted to the power there. Ached for it. The Unwoven had always had it flowing through them. It was part of them, and the Academy was denying them that connection as punishment. It was a smart way to prevent further infractions.
“I don’t mind,” Benedict said. “Chaos Magic sucks.”
My curiosity sparked. I’d heard Chaos Magic mentioned once during my studies with Mother, knew it was a specific thread in the Weave, but that was all. “What is it, exactly? The Chaos Magic?”
“They call it the outlier thread,” Clary said, speaking for Benedict. “And it can be extremely powerful if the wielder learns to harness it.” She nudged Benedict with her elbow. “I told you to get a better focus.”
“I don’t want a better focus. Can you imagine me having even more access to that damn thread’s power? I’m struggling to control it as it is, and—” He snapped his mouth shut, his gaze flying up to meet mine.
Wait a second… “The fire you set…it wasn’t deliberate?”
