Harper
The club has never been so quiet, even during the night, there’s a brother drunk, stumbling around, or a motorcycle coming or going. Every night this week has been deathly silent, and my head can’t take it. It leaves too much time to let the dark thoughts run wild with nothing to distract me. Every time I close my eyes, I see Leo getting his brains blown out. He’s not anywhere but in the bar, stood in the place India was when Ellis pulled the trigger ending her life. It’s exactly the same, only Leo is stood in her place. I see Slade stumbling around and falling down to the ground, his blood gushing out of the bullet holes peppered across his chest and shoulder. When it truly gets bad, I can’t stop the intrusive thoughts growing darker of Gunner slipping out of the house and standing in the middle of the gun fire. He calls for me as tears roll down his little cheeks. No one sees him and then he’s lying on the ground, bleeding out, and taking his last breath. When I last suffered with anxiety, they told me to pick a color and find everything the same color until I had distracted myself from the intrusive thoughts. I pick white and search the room,looking for every white item I can find until Gunner is alive and well, and safe.
He’s sleeping beside me, warm and tucked up under the sheets. Hopefully dreaming of happy things and things that make him laugh.
Leo has been gone for three days, and JJ is nowhere to be seen. It doesn’t feel much like safety for me. It feels like fire ants are crawling over my skin. I can’t toss and turn too much or I’ll wake Gunner. Yet I can’t bear to lay in bed any longer. I need to move about and shake off this irritability.
Making sure Gunner is tucked up, I press a kiss to the top of his head and creep out of the room.
I hear Holly murmuring softly to one of the babies as I pass her bedroom. I could knock and see if she needs any help but I don’t want to make it worse for her if I wake the other baby. The stairs creak under my weight as I head downstairs. I pace around the living room until it no longer helps. Holly has already cleaned the kitchen twice, so there’s no point in spending hours doing it again. I open the front door, planning on going to track down my husband when I see Dad and Alannah sat out on their porch. I cross the grassy path between the houses and hold myself to ward off the chill. Them being awake and out at this time proves to me that this is bad.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” Dad asks.
“I’m waiting for Jay to come to bed.”
I'm thrumming with energy, but I can’t let it show, or I’ll see the usual looks of concern I'm used to seeing these days.
“When you bring Leo home, that’ll mean the man who paid the Mercy brother for information will be dead, yeah?”
“That’s the plan, sweetheart.”
Alannah stands and hugs me. “I’m gonna head up to bed, try and get some sleep. Not that I reckon I’ll get much, if any, and I’ll come over and check on you all in the morning.”
“Okay, goodnight.”
She disappears into the house and I sit in her chair and then stand back up. I can’t hide my legs shaking if I'm sitting. I can’t handle it if Dad gets on my case as well. I know he sees everything but usually, he doesn’t bring it up. I need him to behimtonight.
Yet, I still get asked, “You takin’ your meds, darlin’?”
“JJ sorts me out, my head’s not with it at the moment.”
He nods and I look away from his concern. I haven’t lied so he can’t catch me out.
“Why don’t you and Gunner come and stay with Lana while we’re gone?” he suggests.
“I’ll think about it, but Gunner likes it with his cousins, and Holly needs help even though she keeps telling me she’s fine.”
“How’s she really doin’?”
I shrug. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s handling those babies like a superwoman, but they constantly need her, I don’t know when she gets the time to sleep. She's up now with one of them.” Looking over to my brother’s house, I say, “I should get back, if both babies are awake, I should help her out.”
“You’re a good one, Harp’s.”
I'm not but I don’t argue with him. He reaches for a pack of cigarettes and I frown.
“You shouldn’t be smoking,” I remind him.
“A lot is happening that shouldn’t be.”
He isn’t wrong. “Make sure you get some sleep, and ride safe and stay alive.”
“Always am, darlin’,” he says, then adds, “I don’t trust anything at the moment, if the club is hit again, you...”
“I grab Gunner and get to Lana.”
“Good girl.”
I walk away and I’m about to step onto Leo’s porch when a commotion from the gates stops me in my tracks and has my dad rising to his feet.
