I lose the fight and my shoulders sag. “I thought you having my name, my blood, made you me, but I see now how wrong I’ve been.”
“Cas...” Lana whispers.
Usually her pain wounds me, but tonight, I feel nothing.
“Fuck this, I’m out.”
Brushing past Leo, I grab my keys and slam the door on my way out. There's no one to ignore on the walk to my bike. Slade, Dex, and Shane are dead. Sparky went home. The sons are nowhere to be seen. It's like a fucking desert around here and the silence has never been so fucking loud. I've been at odds with the brothers over the years, but never my son. I don’t know how we come back from this.
I ride out of the club and push the speed as much as I can before the needle wobbles on max. I thought having my family within the club was the perfect life for me, turns out, I lose the club, I lose my family. They are one in the same.
Breaking too hard, my bike skids out, and I hit the road and tumble repeatedly until I come to a stop. I lay on the road until I get my breath back and take inventory of my body head to toe. Nothing is broken. I look down at the road burn on my arm, and it reminds me of the years where I learned to live through pain. Climbing up onto my feet, I walk over to my bike and it’s stillintact, just a few scuffs and scratches. Either life is laughing at me, keeping me in this shit show for another segment, or Slade protected me.
Fuck. I don’t think like that or believe in the afterlife. Slade isn’t protecting me anymore than he’s breathing.
My eyes water and I finally lash out. I kick at my back tire and stomp onto it until I’m breathless. I drop down onto my knees and punch at my seat. I can’t do this. I can’t keep living with my head seeing my own blood as my enemy.
The skin over my knuckles breaks and flecks of blood spatter the leather. The air hits it and I relish in the pain. I used to know where I stood with pain. It was easier to deal with than people. It came, and it went.
A quick flash of a siren has me wiping my face and rising to my feet. The sheriff whore pulls up and lowers her window.
“Do you need assistance?”
“Did I fuckin’ call for assistance?”
“Not that I know of, but it sure looks like you need it.”
My top lip curls in disgust. “I don’t need fuck all from you. Fuck off.”
Ignoring me, she continues, “I was sorry to hear about your brothers.”
I laugh but it’s anything but funny.
“Were you?” I snort.
“I do have a heart, you know.”
“I don’t think you do, why are you still here?”
She puts her cruiser in gear and pulls away. Fucking bitch. I pick my bike up and kick out the stand. I give it the once over and then climb on.
I turn the key and sigh with relief when it comes on. Tomorrow I'll fix it up, but tonight, I’ll put it to the back of my mind and find myself a drink. I've made a point not to get drunk in town for years, but I no longer care.
9
Alannah
Idon’t know what just happened. It's rare when I’ve seen Cas lose his shit, but it’s never been in our home, and never with our son. I should be too old for this crap, but again, life has had a habit of laughing at me. It hasn’t stopped from the moment I was born and my mother died giving birth to me. It laughed again when I lost my father. It laughed so hard I thought it would deafen me when my own uncle used me as bait. Cas and my boys are the only blood related family I have and seeing them argue tonight has shaken me to the core.
Leo falls onto the couch and hangs his head in his hands. Luca disappears into the kitchen and returns with a dustpan and brush, though he lingers in the doorway before bending down and sweeping up the broken glass. I make sure the albums are intact and put them back on the shelves.
I can’t bear to see Leo at odds with himself. He wasn’t wrong, and as much as the deaths shouldn’t have happened, it is a downfall of this life. I truly can’t understand why Cas is going against him and the longer this festers, the worse it’s going to get.
I kneel in front of him. “Look at me.”
He slowly lifts his head and my heart breaks at the pain in his eyes. I can’t bear to see it but I can’t kneel here and not try to make him understand where his father’s coming from at the moment.
“Your dad is in pain, such pain, he doesn’t know how to deal with it. You can’t trust what he says right now.”
