“I like your decorations.”
“Thank you. I kept it low-key this year. Next year, they’ll have to be babyproof.”
A radiant Clover with a seven-month-old crawling around wasn’t the gut punch I expected, but I had to put a hand to my stomach. I’d better fucking be here for that.
By this time next year, would she be ready to let a guy into her life? Into Bean’s? In more than an uncle capacity?
You might meet your soulmate.
Those words had killed a lot of lingering hope inside me, but clearly not all of it had been shut down.
Buddy.
Fuck me.
My nerves were ramping up. Would she like her gift? Would she think it was kiddish? She’d been cool about Pokémon, but dammit, I didn’t know anymore. The anticipation about my investor meetings was killing me. Realizing how empty my life was now that I was out of Omaha and didn’t have to weather my family bugged the crap out of me. And being friends with Clover? Well, that was stressful.
I ate pizza, and we chatted about our week. I didn’t have more to add. Anything I wanted to say would make it all worse.
Do you know how much I miss you?
Do you think you could make room in your life for me?
What if I ran my company from an office that isn’t far from yours and we raised Bean together and maybe had more?
It was the holidays, warping my conviction. Tomorrow, I’d be on the couch, watching movies, only I wouldn’t have Clover with me. I wouldn’t be carrying her to bed. The thought was messing me up, threatening to make me cave. I had to hold strong. She needed Uncle Van, not needy Van.
She wiped her mouth with a napkin. “Poppy called a couple of days ago. They’re having trouble with their septic system, so my parents are hosting instead. So I’m going to Billings for a night. I’m riding with Poppy.”
The heaviness inside me crowded my lungs. “Good. That’ll be fun.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? I could drive.”
I wanted very much to hop in and drive to Billings. But then I’d have to reveal that I had lied, and I was over looking pathetic, especially around Clover. “Thanks, but I’ve got a full day planned.”
I had nothing to do. Good thing she hadn’t asked what the hell I was doing. What would I say? Trying to make sure you don’t have to entertain me. I could’ve said a Christmas Day Pokémon tournament, if those existed. A tournament for those of us who were trying not to gauge whether or not a day was good or bad by how much he saw his girl smile.
She searched my face like she sensed I was lying. How could I have barely known this woman until four months ago, but she could read me better than anyone?
“Are you taking a trailer to haul all the gifts?” I asked lightly.
She laughed and rested her hand on the top of her baby belly. There was enough of a ledge now. She was getting bigger, and I was missing it.
I’d seen her once a week since we’d moved out.
“No, everyone said they’d exchange at home and pitch in to do something fun for the kids in Billings, like rent a room for a few days so we can play at a pool. With a big family, it gets to be too much stuff if we exchange gifts.”
“Fair.”
Sitting at the table and eating with her felt off. This wasn’t the right table, the right room, or the right house. It was the same sense I got each time I walked into my rental. It was off. The silence was off. Not having any clacking away at a keyboard that wasn’t me was off. My mood would turn dour if I continued on this line of thinking.
“I thawed some Christmas cookies.” She retrieved a plate from the counter and took the plastic wrap off.
“I forgot how much you all made.” But I remembered how nice that day had been. The best Thanksgiving I’d ever had.
Good thing I wasn’t going with her tomorrow. I’d probably beg to become a Duke, and that wasn’t fair to her.
“Which is your favorite?” She picked through the selection, settling on a sugar cookie.
